Jokes Thread [3]

[seavixen32]

Whan an Irish astronaut was told his mission to send a manned spacecraft to the Sun was doomed to failure because the spaceship would be burned to a frazzle he replied; "We've thought of that one. We're going at night-time when it's dark."

 

[seavixen32]

On a lighter note, there was an article in today's Daily Mail, which reported that scientists have designed and built a computer that can read your thoughts.

They're too late. My wife's been reading mine from the day we got married.

 

[Kari]

This should be told with a heavy Irish accent:

A wealthy British gentleman drives his Bentley along a small and quiet road near Liverpool. Paddy has come from Ireland with a ferry to Liverpool and is now walking, trying to hitch-hike to London to see his brother.

The gentleman sees Paddy and thinks this road is so quiet that man is never getting a ride, here's no traffic. So as a real philanthropist he stops and gives Paddy a ride.

After some introductions Paddy asks "How'd you get this nice car?"
The gentleman: "I work for Cunard as a manager, they pay me quite well."
Paddy: "I've worked f***'n'ard all my life and still can't afford a Bentley!"

(Old joke from over two years ago, from the first Jokes thread.)

 

[Maguscreed]

This one time at band camp I stuck a flute in my butt and played the national anthem.



This statement is best used while making eye contact for increased effect.

 

[Hopalong X]

This one time at band camp I stuck a flute in my butt and played the national anthem...

...I placed second in the talent show that year. I never understood why I was never asked back to band camp.

 

[stevieray]

This one time at band camp I stuck a flute in my butt and played the national anthem...

...I placed second in the talent show that year. I never understood why I was never asked back to band camp.

You should've used your own flute.

 

[profdlp]

You should've used your own flute.

:roflmao:

 

[Phone Man]

This one time at band camp I stuck a flute in my butt and played the national anthem.



This statement is best used while making eye contact for increased effect.

I really didn't need to know that.

Jim

 

[boohbah]

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel like
you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing
comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you
can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the
toilet allday and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year- old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a
flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble crapping?"

"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight.
You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so
tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

 

[Kari]

During the WWII there was widely spread rumors circulating among the servicemen in Finland that the army was adding bromine to their food. That was called a "brake", "braking" the men, making their sexual lust to disappear thus making it easier for them to stay in service, away from wives and girlfriends. At least people thought bromine would do this.

Now, some 65+ years after the war, two Finnish veterans were sitting on a park bench in Finland, talking about the subject.
- "Do you remember those stories about army adding bromine to our food during the war?"
- "Yes, why do you ask?"
- "I think the story is true. It's just that it seems it did not work as they wanted, it did not work immediately but after some time."
- "You got any evidence?"
- "Yes. I've noticed lately my wife does not excite me anymore sexually."

 

[panais]

During the WWII there was widely spread rumors circulating among the servicemen in Finland that the army was adding bromine to their food. That was called a "brake", "braking" the men, making their sexual lust to disappear thus making it easier for them to stay in service, away from wives and girlfriends. At least people thought bromine would do this.

Now, some 65+ years after the war, two Finnish veterans were sitting on a park bench in Finland, talking about the subject.
- "Do you remember those stories about army adding bromine to our food during the war?"
- "Yes, why do you ask?"
- "I think the story is true. It's just that it seems it did not work as they wanted, it did not work immediately but after some time."
- "You got any evidence?"
- "Yes. I've noticed lately my wife does not excite me anymore sexually."

:roflmao:

 

[pebbly]

One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of-breath Freddie who shouts out,
"Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is ****ing the cow!" Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young Freddie aside and explains that a certain decorum is required.
"You should have said, "The bull is surprising the cow" - not some filth you picked up in the City," he says.

A few days later, Freddie comes in again as his uncle and aunt are entertaining.
"Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!"

The adults share a knowing grin. Uncle John says, "Thank you Freddie, but surely you meant to say the cow, not *cows*. A bull cannot "surprise" more than one cow at a time you know...".

"Yes he can!" replies his obstinate nephew, "He’s ****ing the horse!"

 

[pebbly]

n a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde & a frightfully awful looking fat lady.

After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, & the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman has a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me & by a mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face".

The large lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde & she smacked him".

The Frenchman thought - "That f***ing Englishman put his hand on that blonde & by a mistake she slapped me".

The Englishman thought - "I hope there’s another tunnel soon so I can smack that French t**t again"

 

[pebbly]

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ’You died in your sleep, Ralph..’

Ralph was stunned. ’I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’

St. Peter said, ’I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.’

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. ’So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’

’Not bad, replied Ralph the hen, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’

’You’re ovulating,’ explained the rooster. ’Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before? ’

’Never,’ said Ralph.

’Well, just relax and let it happen,’ says the rooster. ’It’s no big deal.’

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

Ralph! Wake up you dirty b*****d. You sh*t the bed!’

 

[Hopalong X]

WANTED
For telling bad jokes​

:busted: :busted: :busted: :busted:


:roflmao:​

 

[M1GU31]

Why did the dog move to the shade?

He didn't want to be a hotdog

lol me and my cheesy joke

 

[A Guy]

3 winners today Kathryn. The step is yours. A Guy

 

[Layback Bear]

Thanks pebbly!!

 

[The Howling Wolves]

May have been around before but...

Sunday Morning Sex

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,

Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,

"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny.

"Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.

Nothing too strenuous simply in, on the Ding and out on the Dong.

"She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,

"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

 

[wilywombat]

Why is a chickens egg rounded at the ends?.....

So it's butt doesn't shut with a bang!!