Jokes Thread [3]

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Two Minnesota Engineers

Sven and Ole, two Minnesota engineers, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A Woman walks by and asks what they were doing.

"Ve're supposed to find da height of dis flagpole, " said Sven, "but ve don't haff a ladder."

The woman takes a wrench from her purse, loosens a couple bolts, and lays the pole down on the ground.

Then takes a tape measure from her pocketbook, takes a measurement and announces, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walks away.

Ole shakes his head and laughs. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask fer da height and she gives us da length!"
Sven and Ole have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Senate.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

This is a JOKE.. I do NOT wish to offend anyone.

The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a
4-star general in the U.S. ) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and
Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any
questions.

An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a third world war? And, will
Russia take part in it?"

The general answered both questions in the affirmative.

Another officer asked, "Who will be the enemy?"

The general replied, "All indications point to China ."

Everyone in the audience was shocked.

A third officer remarked, "General, we are a nation of only 150 million,
compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?"

The general answered, "Just think about this for a moment: In modern
warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters, but the quality of
an army's capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few
wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and
Israel was always victorious."

After a small pause, yet another officer - from the back of the auditorium
asked,

"Do we have enough Jews?"

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Is everybody clear on that?

5% of us are clear.

25%- Clear on what?

25%- Who is Uncle Jack?

25%- My uncle has a horse named Jack?

20%- Someone fell off a horse?

I'll sure try to keep this in mind when posting....lol:roflmao:

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

COMPUTERS

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves
whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
'
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
'
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the
feminine gender ('la computadora' ), because:
'
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
'
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
'
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and
'
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your
paycheck on accessories for it.
'
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
'
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine
('el computador') , because:

'1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
'
2. They have a lot of data but still can't
think for themselves;
'
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem; and
'
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model..
'
The women won!!'

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Painting The Church





Painting theChurch
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.



As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid; and because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.





Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried,

"Oh, God, Oh, God, forgive me. What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke,



(you're going to love this)





"Repaint! Repaint!


And thin no more!"




"Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light."

 

[Trucidation]

Wife or Mistress?

An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?" asked the architect and artist in unison.

The engineer replied, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume that you are spending time with the other woman, so you can go to the office and get some work done."

 

[Trucidation]

Sports Fan

Three friends were enjoying themselves at the game in a packed Mile High Stadium, until they noticed an empty seat down in front.

One of them went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy replied, "Yes, that's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Craig Morton days, but now my wife is dead."

The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad that he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to and enjoy the game together.

"Oh no." the guy said. "They're all at the funeral."

:shock:

 

[gladson1976]

Painting The Church





Painting theChurch
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.



As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid; and because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.





Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried,

"Oh, God, Oh, God, forgive me. What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke,



(you're going to love this)





"Repaint! Repaint!


And thin no more!"




"Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light."

Nice one

The way I heard it was like this,

The Angel of the Lord came to Smokey in his dream and pointing a flaming sword at him, said "Repaint, you thinner!"

 

[solarmystic]

This may be a bit offensive but it's just a simple joke:-

A lawyer who was confused in his mathematics asked his secretary:

If I give you $3million less 17.5%, how much would you take off?

Secretary: Everything sir!

 

[Phone Man]

What is sad about a 1958 Buick going over a cliff with 5 Lawyers.





A 1958 Buick seats 6.

Jim

 

[BugMeister]

I say, I say, I say..

my mate has a racing snail..
one day, he decided to remove it's shell,
to make it go faster - y'know like more aerodynamic, an' all that..

- didn't work, though..


..it looks more sluggish than ever..:huh:

 

[A Guy]

I say, I say, I say..

my mate has a racing snail..
one day, he decided to remove it's shell,
to make it go faster - y'know like more aerodynamic, an' all that..

- didn't work, though..


..it looks more sluggish than ever..:huh:

:roflmao: That just struck my funny bone

A Guy

 

[marsmimar]

Ten really, REALLY bad jokes. You've been warned!

1. Two blondes walk into a building . . . you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clear wrap for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

4. Patient: Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.
Doc: That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
Patient: Is it common?'
Doc: It's not unusual.

5. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him".
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
checks his teeth. Finally, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put
him down."
"What??? Why??? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy".

6. What do you call a fish with no eyes? . . . A fsh.

7. I was getting into my car, and this guy says to me "Can you
give me a lift?"
I said "Sure. You look great ... the world's your oyster ... go for it."

8. Two fat guys in a bar. One says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

9. Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
the other one off.

10. UK's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. British search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues throughout the day.

 

[techpro]

Thier are some funny's on here for sure, check this.

A young couple is out carousing one evening.
While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up.

When the spedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help," he pleads.

She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover yourself with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road.

When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."



Oh sorry, was I supposed to keep this G rated? Hopefully the moderators will forgive me haha

 

[Trucidation]

Nah, that's fine. Hilarious Here's mine for today:

Golf Gotcha

The club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I am, to even things a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."

The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went.

Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.

"What happened?" asked one of the members.

"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, that jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls, then yelled 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"

 

[techpro]

Nah, that's fine. Hilarious Here's mine for today:

Golf Gotcha

The club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I am, to even things a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."

The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went.

Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.

"What happened?" asked one of the members.

"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, that jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls, then yelled 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"

Haha this reminds me of the nitro circus series, only on that I think they called it gobling and when they did it they said "goba goba goble goble goble!"

 

[Trucidation]

Sex

A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe do it several times a day.

His grandfather continued to tell the young fellow that later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year - maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?"

His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.

"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed into her bedroom, and I go to into my bedroom. And she yells, 'F*** You!" And I holler back, "F*** You too'."

 

[solarmystic]

Sex

A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe do it several times a day.

-SNIP-

:roflmao:

 

[Borg 386]

One day Steve's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S&M magazine.

This was highly upsetting to her.

She hid the magazine until his father got home.

When Steve's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in your son's closet."

He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

After an uncomfortable minute of silence she finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I DON'T think we should spank him."

 

[Trucidation]

After having their eleventh child, a redneck couple decided that they had enough children. So the husband went to his doctor, who also treated mules, and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed the man to go home, light a cherry bomb, put it into a beer can, and then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The redneck said, "I may not be the smartest guy on the block, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can, and putting it next to my ear is going to help me." The doctor assured the man that the procedure was guaranteed to work.

The man left the doctor's office and when we arrived home, he lit a cherry bomb and put it into a beer can. Then, he held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5." The man paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand...