Jokes Thread [3]

[BlackSparrow]

Nice one's A Guy :roflmao: I can't stop laughing damn it!

 

[richnrockville]

Reminds me of the presidential inauguration ball roundup where a wonderful female reporter said.
"with all the balls around town tonight, we must remember that some presidents did not have any balls at all"
(then she broke up as the camera went to another reporter...)
Rich

 

[Joan Archer]

 

[richnrockville]

Good one Joan. :roflmao:
rich

 

[A Guy]

:roflmao:

A Guy

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Joan that's a really good one..
I hope you won't mind if I save it .

 

[BlackSparrow]

:roflmao: nice one Joan xD

 

[Joan Archer]

Joan that's a really good one..
I hope you mind if I save it .

No problems, I picked it up from Facebook and it was meant to be shared, glad you enjoyed it.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Music in the Cemetery

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and suddenly he hears some music.
No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads? Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827".
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backwards!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, and like the previous piece, it is also being played backwards.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a crowd have gathered around the grave.
They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backwards.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the group asks him if he has any explanation for the music.
"I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says incredulously.
"He's decomposing."

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Blonde In Church

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation,

"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."



The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Life is Short, Smile While You still have Teeth.

Give me an Amen, Brother!!!

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Blonde In Church

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation,

"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."



The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Life is Short, Smile While You still have Teeth.

Give me an Amen, Brother!!!

Amen, Brother!

 

[A Guy]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

A Guy

 

[F5ing]

Jane and Arlene...

:roflmao:

 

[BlackSparrow]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

A Guy

Oh god, funny and yet so wrong.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Cell phone in public

After a busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes
as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled
out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart it's
Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four
thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the
accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life
- yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman
sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe,
yelled at the top of her voice: "Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and
come back to bed!"

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public anymore.

 

[Imperfect1]

Cell phone in public

After a busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice: "Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public anymore.

YES!!!!!!! :haha:

 

[BlackSparrow]

:roflmao: That is hilarious LadyPinkTomato

 

[BugMeister]

Woman walks into a bar and asks for a double-entendre..
The barman gives her one..

 

[xarden]

A fur seal walks into a club.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Thank you BlkSparrow