Jokes Thread [3]

[LADYPINKtomato1]

A man received the following text from his neighbor:


I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.


The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.


A few moments later, a second text came in:


Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

 

[A Guy]

Good one M'Lady

A Guy

 

[Layback Bear]

I like it Lady Plink.
That damn auto correct.

 

[Ranger4]

Telephone ringing & answered by a young girl.
“Hello”
“Hello sweetie, its Daddy here”
“Hi Daddy”
“Sweetie, is Mummy there”
“Mummy is upstairs with Uncle Bob”
“But you don’t have an Uncle Bob”
“Well that’s what she said”
“OK Sweetie, would you go upstairs & tell Mummy that Daddy is leaving work early & he will home very soon”
“OK Daddy, hang on”
After quite some minutes.
“Daddy I went upstairs & told Mummy what you said & there was a scream, then some loud voices & a lot movement, then it all went quiet, so I opened your bedroom door & saw Mummy lying on the floor. I think she must have fallen over & hit her head on the corner of the dressing table & she is not moving. I couldn’t find Uncle Bob so I looked out the window & saw him lying on the bottom of the swimming pool & he isn’t moving either.”
“But Sweetie we don’t have a swimming pool”
“Yes we do Daddy, you emptied it last weekend so it can be repaired”
“Is that 555 4276”
“No it’s 555 4267”
Click.

 

[dukethedj]

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Winston Churchill loved them

> 1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it..
>
> 2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
>
> 3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
>
> 4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
>
> 5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
>
> 6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
>
> 7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
>
> 8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
>
> 9. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
>
> 10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
>
> 11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
>
> 12. You do not need a parachute to skydive; you only need a parachute to skydive twice.
>
> 13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
>
> 14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
>
> 15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
>
> 16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
>
> 17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Yes, our grandmothers still had genuine knowledge of staying naturally healthy!!!
My granny lectured me about her practical knowledge:

“For better digestion, I drink beer, for loss of appetite I drink white wine, with low blood pressure, red wine, with high blood pressure, cognac and whenever I have a cold, I drink Vodka.”

“And when do you drink water?”

“I have never been that sick!”

 

[UsernameIssues]

Where there's a will, there's a way.
But Howard Hughes proved:
Where there is a way, there is a will.

 

[Layback Bear]

Yes, our grandmothers still had genuine knowledge of staying naturally healthy!!!
My granny lectured me about her practical knowledge:

“For better digestion, I drink beer, for loss of appetite I drink white wine, with low blood pressure, red wine, with high blood pressure, cognac and whenever I have a cold, I drink Vodka.”

“And when do you drink water?”

“I have never been that sick!”

Thank you Lady.
I emailed that to some friends I know will enjoy it.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Thanks.. feel free to share whatever i post.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

WHY SENIORS STILL NEED NEWSPAPERS:



I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a Newspaper.



"This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on Newspapers.
Here, use my iPad."




I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him.

 

[UsernameIssues]

WHY SENIORS STILL NEED NEWSPAPERS:



I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a Newspaper.



"This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on Newspapers.
Here, use my iPad."




I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him.

That reminded me of this thread of yours:
http://www.sevenforums.com/chillout-room/282168-paper-not-dead.html

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

YES with the video.. I like that as well.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Me thinks this may have been around before...
Southern cops have a way with words!

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

1. "You know stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Not sure if this has been shared before.

Ole Fills In

A doctor in Duluth, Minnesota wanted to get
off work and go hunting, so he
approached his assistant.


"Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to
take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns
the following day and asks: "So, Ole,
How was your day?"

Ole told him that he took care of
three patients. "The first one had a
headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo, mate, and the second one?"
asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Ole.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens
and a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself,
taking off everything including
her panties and lies
down on the table and shouts:
'HELP ME - I haven't
seen a man in over two years!!'"

"Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole,
What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes!!

 

[Britton30]

Good old Ole, a man after my own heart, I would have done the same to help the poor lass.

 

[ICIT2LOL]

Sounds like us at work Ole LOL!!

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

IS THERE SUCH A THING AS TOO MUCH SEX?

Too Much Sex
I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.
One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."
His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about my age (65), sitting a couple of stools down had also overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says,
"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that s**t”.

 

[jadinolf]

IS THERE SUCH A THING AS TOO MUCH SEX?

Too Much Sex
I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.
One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."
His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about my age (65), sitting a couple of stools down had also overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says,
"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that s**t”.

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Joe you know that saying too ?..
made me laugh out loud !!!!

 

[jadinolf]

For sure LPT1