Jokes Thread [4]

[LADYPINKtomato1]

No sex after surgery ...




A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard,

has sued St Luke's Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there,

he lost all interest in sex.





A hospital spokesman replied ...

"Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight."

 

[Phone Man]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao: that's the best one yet !!!

 

[COMPUTIAC]

Forecast
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Sincerely, The CAT [/FONT]

 

[Roderunner]

Did you hear about the man who ended up in hospital after making French Toast ?
He burned his tongue on the toaster.

 

[Phone Man]

 

[COMPUTIAC]

 

[Britton30]

S O M E T I M ES​

Sometimes....when you cry....

no one sees your tears. ​

Sometimes....when you are in pain....

no one sees your hurt. ​

Sometimes....when you are worried....

no one sees your stress. ​

Sometimes....when you are happy.....

no one sees your smile.​

-​

-​

-​

But FART !! just ONE friggin' time.....

And everybody notices!!
And You thought this was going to be one of those
heart-touching stories!​

​

 

[BrightBlessings]

Perils of a Catholic Upbringing

As I walked down the busy sidewalk, knowing I was late for Mass, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.


Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.


Recalling my old pastor, Father Mike, who always admonished me to 'care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked,' I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.


Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.


Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden beauty.


A small voice inside my head called out, 'Reach out, reach out and touch this person!'













So I did........
















I won't be at Mass this week.

 

[Phone Man]

When I saw her picture a Jimmy Buffet song came to mind. Can you name it. Its initial are WDWGDAS.

The answer can be found here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=zH-cPckntEY

Jim

 

[A Guy]

10 pints of Guinness

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

A Guy

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

10 pints of Guinness

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

A Guy

That story is completely false. Any Irishman could down ten pints of Guinness with nary a soft belch, not just one. Not only would every man (and probably the women) have relieved the Texan of $500 each, they would have been lining up for seconds and even thirds.

 

[Wishmaster]

A little old woman was sitting in church one Sunday morning.
Shortly after they sat down she leaned over to her husband and said, " I think I just let one of those silent farts. I sure hope no one smells it."

The old man looking embarrassed replied, "Turn on your hearing aid!"


---------------

A little old man and woman were sitting on the porch swing together enjoying a lovely spring day.

Out of no where the little old woman turns a slaps the old man as hard as she could.

'What on earth was that for?" he asked.

She replies, "50 years of bad sex. That's what for."

They sit in silence for about 5 minutes and then the old man turns and slaps the old woman.

'Why on earth did you just do that?" she asked.

"For knowing the difference." The old man replied

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age
and thinking,“surely i can't look that old.”


well, you'll love this one:

My name is alice , and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school .

”yes. Yes, i did. I'm a mustang,” he gleamed with pride.

“when did you graduate?” i asked.

He answered, “in 1975. Why do you ask?”

“you were in my class!” i exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.


Then, that ugly,


old,


bald,


wrinkled faced,


fat-assed,


gray-haired,


decrepit


son-of-a-bitch


asked,



”what subject did you teach?”

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age
and thinking,“surely i can't look that old.”


well, you'll love this one:

My name is alice , and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school .

”yes. Yes, i did. I'm a mustang,” he gleamed with pride.

“when did you graduate?” i asked.

He answered, “in 1975. Why do you ask?”

“you were in my class!” i exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.


Then, that ugly,


old,


bald,


wrinkled faced,


fat-assed,


gray-haired,


decrepit


son-of-a-bitch


asked,



”what subject did you teach?”

:shock: :roflmao: OUCH! I'm class of '67; imagine how that would hurt me!

 

[Britton30]

Heh, heh, I'm from the hippy class of '67 too.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

I'm NOT saying which class I'm from... lol

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

I'm NOT saying which class I'm from... lol

Coward!

 

[Britton30]

I'm NOT saying which class I'm from... lol

Coward!

:roflmao::devil2:

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

SO be it.... I'm well and healthy.. having more fun than is allowed !!!:devil2::roflmao:

50th Anniversary

A man and woman were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful,
agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one. 'Sorry I'm running late.
I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have
time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad.
I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss
is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said,
"There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.
You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college.
Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much,
but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're ba****ds?"

"Yep," said the father, "And cheap ones too."
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't It?