Jokes Thread [4]

[Ranger4]

The problem is when the only thing in your hand is a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail.

 

[HarriePateman]

haha, but when you have a screwdriver nothing looks like a screw

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

haha, but when you have a screwdriver nothing looks like a screw

Don't give me such tempting straight lines!

 

[HarriePateman]

Haha, i always loose my bleedy screws

 

[Phone Man]

A sweet grandmother Telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her
blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."

 

[HarriePateman]

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::haha:

 

[Borg 386]

There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.

 

[andrew129260]

There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.

lol I find that funnier then I should.

 

[A Guy]

1. There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

2. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's a hardware problem.

3. A SEO couple had twins. For the first time they were happy with duplicate content.

4. Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC

5. Why do they call it hyper text?
Too much JAVA.

6. Why was the JavaScript developer sad?
Because he didn't Node how to Express himself

7. In order to understand recursion you must first understand recursion.

8. Why do Java developers wear glasses? Because they can't C#

9. What do you call 8 hobbits?
A hobbyte

10. Why did the developer go broke?
Because he used up all his cache

11. Why did the geek add body { padding-top: 1000px; } to his Facebook profile?
He wanted to keep a low profile.

12. An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, tavern, public house, Irish pub, drinks, beer, alcohol

13. I would tell you a UDP joke, but you might not get it.

14. 8 bytes walk into a bar, the bartenders asks "What will it be?"
One of them says, "Make us a double."

15. Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, "Are you ill?"
The second byte replies, "No, just feeling a bit off."

16. These two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, "So what'll it be?"
The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu"
"Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated."

17. "Knock, knock. Who's there?"
very long pause...
"Java."

18. If you put a million monkeys on a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program. The rest of them will write Perl programs.

19. There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.

20. There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.

The geekiest tech jokes on the internet - TechRepublic

A Guy

 

[Shimshom]

Was feeling bored and lonely, Joined a dating website. After 2 days half the site was in love with me long time and the other half was offering most of the universe and beyond. Below is how I dealt with it and some advice

I met a girl she came from cyber
She promised gold, to be my lover
There was just one thing a little plea
Send donations help her dig
That love she promised is for me

Then came another girl from Cyber
I fell in love, she liked the other
The heart was broken the tears were quick
But all was forgotten with one mouse click

So if your cyber girl won’t kiss
Log back in and find her niece
If the love you shared was not so great
Log back in and find her mate
And if your cyber boyfriend left you
Log back in and find his nephew
Maybe not so happily
But keep it in the family

 

[Phone Man]

Jim

 

[Arelem]

The funeral proceeds down the street,
As sighs and wails diminish,
He died of drinking straight shellac,
But he had a lovely finish.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

That was quite interesting...

 

[A Guy]

Good to see you M'Lady

A Guy

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Good.. to see you M'Lady

A Guy

Thanks much... I have a bit more time now again.

 

[A Guy]

Good to see you M'Lady

A Guy

Thanks much... I have a bit more time now again.

That makes one of us, lol.

A Guy

 

[Arelem]

That was quite interesting...

Do you mean interesting, or "interesting"?

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Take your PICK...

 

[essenbe]

Paraprosdokians ​

Figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Winston Churchill loved them!

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit . . . Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy .
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now​

 

[andrew129260]

The internet:

Where men are men, woman are men, and children are FBI agents.