Jokes Thread

[Charbroil57]

Judging...

Did you hear about the two gay judges, they "tried" each other...

 

[Charbroil57]

Salesman...

During a sales trip through New Mexico, a salesman stops in a roadside bar for a cool one and notices a sign hanging in the back over a mule that states...

"Make my mule laugh and win $1000!"

The salesman asks the bartender if that's true and the bartender replies "yep".

The salesman says "Get the money ready", and walks to the back, whispers in the mules ear, and the mule begins hee hawing like crazy.

With this, the bartender pays the salesman, who promptly leaves.

On his way back through the same town, the salesman stops in the same bar and notices that the sign had been changed. The word "laugh" was marked through and substituted with the word "cry", now reading...

"Make my mule cry and win $1000!"

Salesman says get the money ready, again walks to the back on the other side of the mule out of sight, and in a few moments the mule starts crying.

Salesman walks back to the bar, and the bartender gave him the money, but asked how did you make the mule laugh and cry?

On the first visit I told the mule that mine was bigger than his and now I just proved it...

 

[Ballistyx]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

 

[Kari]

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Joke of the day!
:roflmao:

 

[masterB]

Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?

Math Problem:
There are 7 girls on a bus(no bus driver).
Each girl is carrying 7 backpacks.
In each backpack, there are 7 big cats.
For every big cat there are 7 little cats.

Question:
How many legs are there on the bus?

 

[masterB]

At the gates of Heaven

St. Peter

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, 'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died. 'No problem,' the man said. 'I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.' The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day; it was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, 'OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and let him in. A few seconds later Donald Trump arrived at the gates.
'Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died....'Trump said, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily ex_ercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing and stomps on my fingers, well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly. 'The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. 'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,’ the Angel announces. 'Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and he lets Trump enter. A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, 'Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died. 'Clinton says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator.....

 

[masterB]

I am on vacation

I am on vacation.

 

[Termana]

Edit: lol wtf, I didn't even realise this was in the jokes thread. Thats a joke in and of itself.
--
None, buses are on wheels, not legs.

lol
The answer is 10990.
7 girls = 14 legs
7 girls with 7 backpacks each means there is 49 backpacks.
Each backpack has 7 big cats, so 7 times 49 is 343. Cats have 4 legs, so the big cats legs equal to 1372.
Then for every big cat, there is 7 little cats. So 7 times 343 is equal to 2401 little cats. The little cats all have 4 legs, so 2401 little cats times 4 is equal to 9604 little cat legs.
So adding it all together, 14 human legs + 1372 big cat legs + 9604 little cat legs = 10990 legs IN the bus. And one smashed up bus from there being no driver.

 

[masterB]

Property Taxes

[FONT=&quot]Your House As Seen By:[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot]1. Yourself...
2. Your buyer...
3. Your lender...
4. Your appraiser...
5. Your County's Tax Assessor...[/FONT] [FONT=&quot][/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]

 

[masterB]

20 Dollar Bill Mysteries!

[FONT=&quot]INCREDIBIL![/FONT][FONT=&quot]

1) Fold the 20$ bill long ways as shown...

2) Fold it again as shown...

3) Fold it again as shown below ...and see...

The Pentagon...in fire!

4) Now flip the bill on the other side and see the Twin Towers in fire!

Coincidence?!
A simple folding of the 20$ bill is showing a catastrophic premonition!!!

5) More strange!

3 Coincidences on a simple 20$ bill !!!

And look at this!!
9(month) + 11(day)=20 ($)

Isn’t shocking?

[/FONT]

 

[garysgold]

Enjoy.

Gary

 

[masterB]

Thanks Gary!

 

[garysgold]

:roflmao:

 

[tw33k]

two flys are on a piece of dog sh1t having lunch. one stops eating, looks around, cocks his back leg and farts. the other fly slaps him in the mouth and shouts "you dirty *******! don't fart while i'm eating!"

 

[SquonkSC]

A man with gangrene on both legs goes to the doctor to get the results of his last test.

The doctor says, I have good and bad news.

The guy says, ok, give me the bad news first.

Well, I'm afraid we will have to amputate both legs. I'm sorry.

The guy bursts into tears and the doctor puts his arm around him.

After a few minutes the guy calms down and asks, what is the good news then?

The doctor says, One of my colleagues want's to buy your Armani shoes.

 

[Ballistyx]

Once there were 3 people in an airplane, one took a bite out of
an apple. She thought it was too sweet so she threw it out of
the plane. The second person took a bite out of a lemon and she
thought it was too sour so, she threw it out of the plane. Then
the last person took a bite out of a grenade and he thought it
was too crunchy so, he threw it out of the plane. Then they
landed and decided to go for a walk. They first passed a little
girl who was crying and they asked, "little girl, little girl,
why are you crying?" and the little girl said, "an apple came
down and killed my new kitty". Next they passed a little boy
who
was also crying. And they again asked, "little boy, little boy,
why are you crying?" and the little boy said, "a lemon came
down
and killed my new puppy." Then they passed a blonde sitting on
the side walk laughing her butt off. They asked, "why are you
laughing so hard?" and the blonde said, "I farted and the
building behind me blew up!!"

 

[DJG]

Three men were walking when one suddenly collapses and dies. The police arrived, identified the dead man as John Murphy from his wallet, and started questioning the other two men.

"Do you have any idea why your friend might have died suddenly"? One of the friends scratched his head and said, "Well, it could be because he had two a$$holes".

The police officer stared at him. "Really? Are you sure?? How do you figure that"?

"Well, officer, everytime me and my brother walked into the Midnight Nightcap with John, Dave the bartender would always say "Hey, here comes Murphy with the two a$$holes".

 

[Ballistyx]

Three men were walking when one suddenly collapses and dies. The police arrived, identified the dead man as John Murphy from his wallet, and started questioning the other two men.

"Do you have any idea why your friend might have died suddenly"? One of the friends scratched his head and said, "Well, it could be because he had two a$$holes".

The police officer stared at him. "Really? Are you sure?? How do you figure that"?

"Well, officer, everytime me and my brother walked into the Midnight Nightcap with John, Dave the bartender would always say "Hey, here comes Murphy with the two a$$holes".

 

[ratePV]

How many MS Technical Support reps does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-----------------------------------
Dear Valued Customer,

We apologize that you are experiencing difficulties with MS Light Bulbs. To hear these options again, press 1.

Answer from MS: "Wont Fix!" looool

 

[tw33k]

An American, Englishman and an Australian walk into a bar. The barkeep turns round and says "What? Is this some sorta joke?!"