Smoking tech support

[Capt.Jack Sparrow]

A funny story i found .. thought of posting it

After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance...

Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?

Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer...

Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply...

Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files...

Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it...

Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command...

For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded...

Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem...

Customer: I knew it!

Technician: Just add the line 'LOAD NOSMOKE.COM' at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes...

About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer...

Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking...

Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

Customer: MS-DOS 6.22... Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out...

When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...

Customer: I need a new power supply...

Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?

Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply...

Technician: What did he tell you?

Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE...

 

[Dinesh]

LOL that's really funny.

 

[Smoke]

LOL Whats funny is there are alot of people that are like that.

 

[Uber Philf]

hahahaha, that made my day XD

 

[derekimo]

That was great.:roflmao:

 

[smarteyeball]

Wait? That command doesn't actually work?

 

[Dwarf]

There's more to be found here Computer Stupidities

One of my favourites is:

I work at an ISP in the United Kingdom. The most shocking call I received came from a student at a local college here. He had received a CD for an ISP from an American friend.

• Customer: "Hi there. I got this CD from an American, and he says that his ISP is better than mine because the calls are free. So can I install it?"
• Me: "Yes sir, that's your choice completely. But is this an American ISP? Because if so, I don't think it will work with your computer."
• Customer: "Listen, I happen to be a computer student. I know exactly what I'm doing, so don't insult my intelligence!" (click)

Ten minutes later, he called back, humbled.

• Customer: "My computer exploded."
• Me: "What!? How did that happen?"
• Customer: "Well, the CD didn't work. I couldn't get through to the ISP. So, I changed the computer to American power."

He'd changed the voltage switch while the computer was on, causing the power supply to explode.

 

[smarteyeball]

Lol, you just have to love 'red switch' stories

 

[Dwarf]

Some more:

While visiting a network user's office to install a small program (we use Windows NT 4.0 here), he asked:

• Him: "Can you answer a question?"
• Me: "Sure."
• Him: "See the recycle bin? Does someone come round and empty it?"

I was teaching an email course to novice users -- some of them I was explaining how to enter contact information in the address book, so the program could "look it up" for them. Bad choice of words.

• Student: "So it'll look up phone numbers for me?"
• Me: "That's right."
• Student: "Does it have to be on the right page?"
• Me: "Uh, do you mean the right screen, or...?"
• Student: "No, I know it has to be my own computer screen. But when I hold the phone book up to the screen for the computer to look up the number, does it have to be on the right page?"

 

[Uber Philf]

Some more:

While visiting a network user's office to install a small program (we use Windows NT 4.0 here), he asked:

• Him: "Can you answer a question?"
• Me: "Sure."
• Him: "See the recycle bin? Does someone come round and empty it?"

I was teaching an email course to novice users -- some of them I was explaining how to enter contact information in the address book, so the program could "look it up" for them. Bad choice of words.

• Student: "So it'll look up phone numbers for me?"
• Me: "That's right."
• Student: "Does it have to be on the right page?"
• Me: "Uh, do you mean the right screen, or...?"
• Student: "No, I know it has to be my own computer screen. But when I hold the phone book up to the screen for the computer to look up the number, does it have to be on the right page?"

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! :roflmao:

 

[Joan Archer]

:roflmao:http://smileycons.com/

 

[InternetLord]

LOL Whats funny is there are alot of people that are like that.

LMAO, my roommate is one.

 

[FuturDreamz]

NOSMOKE.EXE I love that.
I have to remember that concept for tech supporting stubborn people.

 

[IggyAZ]

DOS? Whats that.....

 

[Capt.Jack Sparrow]

Here is another one

A desperate woman writes to the Technical support Guy,
Dear Tech Support ,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1 .

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate Woman

DEAR DESPERATE Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 , Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 .
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1..0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

Tech Support

 

[Lordbob75]

Here is another one

A desperate woman writes to the Technical support Guy,
Dear Tech Support ,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1 .

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate Woman

DEAR DESPERATE Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 , Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 .
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1..0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

Tech Support

F***ing epic.

~Lordbob

 

[Capt.Jack Sparrow]

Subject: If cars were *really* like computers

What if cars really were like computers? You'd have a helpline to assist in solving problems as they came up... Now just imagine if the same people that answer the phones at Microsoft had to answer the General Motors helpline...

HelpLine: 'General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?'

Customer: 'I can get in through the driver's side door just fine, but I can't open the passenger's side.'

HelpLine: 'How did you try to open the passenger's side?'

Customer: 'I pulled up on the handle, just like on the other side.'

HelpLine: 'People are always making that mistake. You have to push on the passenger's side. Remember, you're always moving the handle toward the left of the car. It's more consistent that way.'

HelpLine: 'General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?'

Customer: 'How do I turn my windshield wipers on?'

HelpLine: 'There's a little button on the radio console . . .'

Customer: 'Radio console??'

HelpLine: 'Yes, it's more efficient to have all the controls in one central position. Look for the one with a shape like a piece of pie on it.'

Customer: 'And that's the windshield wiper button? I was always wondering what that did.'

HelpLine: 'People are always asking that. You'd think they'd be more familiar with the principles of graphic design.'

HelpLine: 'General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?'

Customer: 'My car will go forward, but when I put it in reverse, nothing happens.'

HelpLine: 'What model do you have?'

Customer: 'It's a brand new 1994 Mongoose.'

HelpLine: 'Yes, but it is a 1994R with a big R or 1994r with a small r?'

Customer: 'I don't know. Let me find out and I'll call you back.'

HelpLine: 'Alright, but let me tell you you've probably got the small r model. You'll need to upgrade to the big R version to go in reverse.'

HelpLine: 'General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?'

Customer: 'I just called about the car that wouldn't go in reverse.'

HelpLine: 'Well, yes, we get a lot of calls about that.'

Customer: 'It turns out I have the small r model. But I bought the one with the 'Reverse gear option'.'

HelpLine: 'Yes, that's the option to upgrade to a reverse gear.'

Customer: 'Why don't they all just come with a reverse gear in the first place?'

HelpLine: 'Well, that's very difficult to do, even for our world-class engineers, and not everyone may want it. Also, it makes the car more complicated to drive. So we offer it as an option to our 'power drivers'.'

Customer: 'How come all the Jupiters have had it standard since 1974?' HelpLine' 'Ahem. Well, yes, they're not a market leader, they're just for people who really like working on cars. If you really want to get involved in those kind complicated details, go right ahead . . .'

But really, we're leaving out an important part:

HelpLine: 'General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?'

Customer: 'My car just caught fire.'

HelpLine: 'I see. And what model was it?'

Customer: '1994r Mongoose.'

HelpLine: 'Big or small . . .'

Customer: ' . . . small r.'

HelpLine: 'And your registration number?'

Customer: '426917-woof-271828-arf-314159-spam.'

HelpLine: 'And where did you buy your car?'

Customer: 'Fast Eddie's Sports-o-rama in Glendale.'

HelpLine: 'And what was the name of the salesman?'

Customer: 'I don't remember.'

HelpLine: 'I see. Are you sure you didn't steal this car?'

Customer: 'Of course I didn't steal it!'

HelpLine: 'And would you be interested in purchasing our extended service contract?'

 

[richc46]

Good story Captain. Nice break from the O/Ps

 

[mitchell64]

Most entertaining. C.J.S.

 

[Abhishek Ghosh]

Nice posts mate