When men retire - be very afraid

[seavixen32]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse, so I had to learn to while away my time.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

"Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out."

 

[boohbah]

last christmas my son and i set off all the musical santas, they were bobbing up and down and singing carols.
the staff gave us a few frowns,

 

[seavixen32]

Many years ago, I was on leave in Singapore and along with some pals ended up in the notorious Bugis Street in the early hours.

It was fast approching Chinese New Year when one of us picked up a firework from one of the stalls. He asked the Malay store holder how this thing worked and was told to pull the blue touchpaper, which he promptly did.

The rocket flew into the firework stall and set the lot off with a display culminating in three burnt out stalls and three chastened sailors hot-footing it back to their ship pretty sharpish.

 

[JaidynM]

:roflmao:

It's not only retired men that do it though. I'm pretty sure all males do.

 

[A Guy]

My 1st job was at Kmart. They are famous for their "blue light specials". They have this cart, with a pole and a flashing blue light on top. It has an automobile battery underneath for power. The shoppers flock whenever it gets turned on.

We'd turn it on and walk it around the aisles for a while. We'd get a trail of people following. Then we'd park it against a wall, turn it off, and walk away. The people would stand there for a while, and slowly drift away.

A Guy

 

[Dinesh]

That was really funny. :roflmao:

 

[Chilidawg]

Posing Barbie in compromising positions with Mr. Potato Head......

 

[seavixen32]

I once had a boss I hated with a passion, but as I was a maintenance electrician I had the run of the factory.

In those days there were no touchpad telephones, they all had a dialler.

Anyway, I went into his office after he had gone home and removed all the fixing screws from the base of his telephone and carefully replaced the handset.

The next morning I watched for him to come into work, waited for him to get to his office and called him on the pretence I was the telephone engineer doing an inventory of all the phones before a new maintenance contract was drawn up.

At this stage I asked him to check the serial number, which was on the bottom of the phone so naturally he picked the phone up to do so. The base fell apart in four pieces, the handset fell on the floor and bits of the phones innards popped out all over the place.

He never did discover who did it and I dined out on that story until I retired.

 

[mkr10001]

Hahah that's brilliant. I need to try some of those myself

 

[bigmck]

I once had a boss I hated with a passion, but as I was a maintenance electrician I had the run of the factory.

In those days there were no touchpad telephones, they all had a dialler.

Anyway, I went into his office after he had gone home and removed all the fixing screws from the base of his telephone and carefully replaced the handset.

The next morning I watched for him to come into work, waited for him to get to his office and called him on the pretence I was the telephone engineer doing an inventory of all the phones before a new maintenance contract was drawn up. == HEY, CHILIDAWG. We have a lot in common.

At this stage I asked him to check the serial number, which was on the bottom of the phone so naturally he picked the phone up to do so. The base fell apart in four pieces, the handset fell on the floor and bits of the phones innards popped out all over the place.

He never did discover who did it and I dined out on that story until I retired.

I did a similiar trick. -- On the older phones the mouth piece was just screwed on. You could unscrew it and take the diaphram out and put the plastic cover back on. When the next call comes in the person answers and says "Hello". Of course no one can hear him so he speaks louder and then louder before he hands up.

 

[Joan Archer]

You're little:devil2: the lot of you, funny though. :roflmao:

 

[seavixen32]

What really gets these obnoxious people going is when they call you to ask where you are.

I used to say, "I'm here", and then listened gleefully as they coughed and spluttered into their coffee.

On a real awful note I once upset a work colleague who was very hard of hearing.

He wore a deaf aid in both ears, but during working hours he used to turn the amplifier down to block out the workshop noise when the lathes and milling machines were going full blast.

As he walked to his workbench I sidled up to him and mouthed the words: "Hello, how are you" while making sure not a sound crossed my lips.

With that, he turned his deaf aid full on so I shouted as loud as I could: "Hello, how are you?", which damn near blew his ears off.

Even my mates said how wicked I was and nobody spoke to me for the rest of the day as a punishment.

 

[beauparc]

Ah, Bugie street....!! Happy memories from the mid '60s.

What stories one could tell. Unfortunately, continued membership of these august forums would be unlikely!!

 

[seavixen32]

Who mentioned Bugis Street?!!



Orchard Road where I once fell in this monsoon ditch after yet another night in Bugis Street.