Jokes Thread 2

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  1. Posts : 46
    Windows 7 Ultimate x86

    Here is the other portion of the Abbot and Costello that i have:

    Costello: Hey, Abbott!
    Abbot: Yes, Lou?
    Costello: I just got my first computer.
    Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get?
    Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.
    Abbot: That's terrific, Lou.
    Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!
    Abbot: You will in time.
    Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
    Abbot: Oh?
    Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
    Abbot: Well, I don't know-
    Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
    Abbot: Really?
    Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
    Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?
    Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
    Abbot: That's true.
    Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
    Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-
    Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
    Abbot: I know, you press the Start button-
    Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
    Abbot: I did.
    Costello: When?
    Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button.
    Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
    Abbot: To shut off the computer.
    Costello: I press Start to stop.
    Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
    Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.
    Abbot: Start
    Costello: Start what?
    Abbot: Start button.
    Costello: Start button to do what?
    Abbot: Shut down.
    Costello: You don't have to get rude!
    Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
    Costello: Then say what you mean.
    Abbot: To shut down the computer, press-
    Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
    Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?
    Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
    Abbot: But that's what you do.
    Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
    Abbot: Don't be ridiculous.
    Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation.
    Abbot: What are you talking about?
    Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.
      My Computer

  2. Posts : 1,491
    Win7 Pro-64 Bit

    Hollywood Squares:
    These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

    Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
    A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
    (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

    Q. Do female frogs croak?
    A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

    Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
    A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

    Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
    A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
    Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

    A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
    Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
    A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

    Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
    A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency....

    Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
    A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty....

    Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
    A.. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

    Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
    A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

    Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
    A.. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

    Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries Are you going to get any during the first year?
    A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

    Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
    A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

    Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
    A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

    Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
    A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

    Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
    A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

    Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
    A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

    Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
    A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

    Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
    A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

    Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
    A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

    Q.. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
    A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

    Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
    A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

    Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
    A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

    Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
    A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

    Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
    A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
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  3. Posts : 17,322
    Win 10 Pro x64

    That was a great show, Thanks BB.
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  4. Posts : 3,187
    Main - Windows 7 Pro SP1 64-Bit; 2nd - Windows Server 2008 R2

    BrightBlessings said:
    Hollywood Squares...
    That goes in the "Keeper" file - thanks!
      My Computer

  5. Posts : 7,781
    Win 7 32 Home Premium, Win 7 64 Pro, Win 8.1, Win 10

    That was good BrightBlessings...I used to watch that show just because of Paul Lynde and his answers
    Last edited by Borg 386; 13 Jan 2011 at 09:08.
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  6. Posts : 281
    Windows 7 Pro 64bit SP1

    lots of applause here ... and roflao
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  7. Posts : 1,402
    Windows 7 Ultimate x64

    The Irish Millionaire

    Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
    and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
    "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,"but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
    Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
    "Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
    "Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

    a) Sparrow

    b) Thrush,

    c) Magpie,

    d) Cuckoo?"

    "I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."

    Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

    "Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."

    "Are you sure?"

    "I'm fookin sure."

    Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
    "Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
    "Dat it is."

    There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!" The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
    "Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you knowit was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

    "Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"
      My Computer

  8. Posts : 7,781
    Win 7 32 Home Premium, Win 7 64 Pro, Win 8.1, Win 10

    Last edited by Borg 386; 13 Jan 2011 at 09:08.
      My Computer

  9. Posts : 1,180
    Windows 7 Ultimate

    echrada said:
    The Irish Millionaire
    I like that!! :)
      My Computer

  10. Posts : 22,814
    W 7 64-bit Ultimate

    Borg 386 said:

    This one's good!
      My Computer

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