Jokes Thread [4]

[Lady Fitzgerald]

I'm not sure how I did it but I sure bought a lot of defective keyboards.

Could it be global warming causing this problem?

Luck of the draw, or because they're cranked out like crazy from all over the world. You see wireless KB's in dollar stores now. I bought a really nice looking illuminated KB from Staples ($48 I believe) it looked nice, horrible ghosting though, skipped just about every 4th or 5th letter. And being that I was writing my midterm paper, that KB went back pretty quick.

Speaking of global warming, where the hell is spring?

In AZ!

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

Luck of the draw, or because they're cranked out like crazy from all over the world. You see wireless KB's in dollar stores now. I bought a really nice looking illuminated KB from Staples ($48 I believe) it looked nice, horrible ghosting though, skipped just about every 4th or 5th letter. And being that I was writing my midterm paper, that KB went back pretty quick.

Speaking of global warming, where the hell is spring?

Borg, Spring is where I live.

That's not spring, 82 is summer. :sarc:

No, 100°+ is summer.

 

[A Guy]

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'

A Guy

 

[Layback Bear]

My Spring today is -5F/-20C.

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

My Spring today is -5F/-20C.

You're a Polar Bear; that should be a heat wave for you!

 

[Layback Bear]

I'm a new age Polar Bear. Trying to use to this so call Global Warming. It's not working out well at all for me.

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

I'm a new age Polar Bear. Trying to use to this so call Global Warming. It's not working out well at all for me.

:roflmao:

 

[Layback Bear]

Cleveland Metroparks Zoo saddened by death of 30-year-old polar bear

Posted: August 12, 2013

Media Contacts

Joe Yachanin, (216) 635-3310
Sue Allen, (216) 635-3338

Cleveland Metroparks Zoo is saddened to report the death of its female polar bear, “Aurora.” The 30-year-old bear had been showing signs of steadily deteriorating health for the last several months.
Last spring, Zoo veterinarians gave the bear a thorough exam and found evidence of liver cancer. The veterinarians determined that the cancer was at such an advanced stage that treatment was not a viable option. Since then, Aurora’s keepers and the veterinary staff kept a close watch on her behavior for signs of discomfort and to monitor for quality of life issues.
Over the last two days it was determined that her condition had significantly worsened and the Veterinary and Animal Care staff made the difficult decision to euthanize her yesterday.
“It’s never an easy decision to euthanize an animal,” said the Zoo’s General Curator, Andi Kornak. “Aurora enjoyed a long life and she was a favorite of both guests and staff. But her condition was beyond treatment and we made the humane choice after assessing her quality of life.”
Aurora was born at Cleveland Metroparks Zoo on November 13, 1982. She did some traveling before finally returning to Cleveland in 2001, spending time in the Ruhr Zoo in Gelsenkirchen, Germany, the Milwaukee County Zoo and the Henry Vilas Zoo in Madison, Wisconsin.
Female polar bears have an average life expectancy of 24 years in zoos. Polar bears are the largest land predator in the world, capable of reaching up to 8 feet long and 1,600 pounds for a full-grown male. They are classified as “vulnerable” in the wild by the International Union for Conservation of Nature.

Cleveland Metroparks Zoo . . . Connecting People with Wildlife

​

 

[Layback Bear]

The picture in my Avatar came from a picture I took at the Cleveland Zoo many years ago.
The bear was just trying to keep cool on a hot summer day.

I was one of 5 iron workers from local 17 that built all the cages, rocks, pools ect. for the polar bears to live and play. Then some experts from Disney came and sprayed everything with concrete to make things look like rock.

If you ever get a chance to go see some polar bears take some marshmallows with you.
They love them. They will stand up on their back legs and growl for more. Just keep throwing them one at a time and they will put on a show going after them. Don't tell anybody about the marshmallows or I might get in trouble. Don't feed the bears; I believe the sign said.

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

I don't advocate feeding zoo animals unless the zoo itself advocates it (it's bad for the animals). I've seen zoos permit visitors to feed certain animals by either providing the food at certain times or putting it in coin operated dispensers. I've fed giraffes and lorries (a fruit eating bird). The polar bears I've seen put on a pretty good show on their own without being bribed.

 

[A Guy]

:focus:

A Guy

 

[A Guy]

Fifty Shades of Golf:

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife Paula puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and Paula came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’... On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

"So... Here I am!"

A Guy

 

[A Guy]

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank Goodness for the church ladies with computers. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The sermon this morning:'Jesus Walks on the Water.’The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
---------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
And this one just about sums them all up...

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

A Guy

 

[DocBrown]

Facts About Crows

Just when you thought you knew everything!









A fact you won't soon forget about crows.



Researchers for the MassachusettsTurnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern thatthey may have died from AvianFlu.



A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts; however, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.



By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.



MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. He very quickly concluded the cause:When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.




:ar:



They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

 

[Ranger4]

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

 

[VistaUltimate]

There was an elderly man who had Parkingson.

His son worked in a parking lot,so his father stayed with Parkingson.

(translated)

 

[JustCall]

Rofl

 

[VistaUltimate]

There was a student (boy) in Senior High School with his teacher who was teaching Religious Studies. She had a ponytail. He asked her: "How will I look with that ponytail?". She replied: "You'll look like an a****le!" Then the whole class laughed.

 

[A Guy]

Dave stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.

He waggled, looked up, looked down... waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner Roy asked, 'What the hell is taking so long?'

'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Dave explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'

His companion Roy shook his head and said, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here.'

A Guy