Jokes Thread

Dwarf said:

Jonathan_King said:

Three guys died when they got to the pearly gates St Peter met them and said ...

Not long after this, a fourth guy died and when he arrived at the pearly gates St. Peter met him and asked the same questions that he asked the other guys. ...

And the very next day, a young man in his late thirties arrived to the gates of Heaven.

'Good day', says St. Peter.
'Hi', answerers the the newcomer.
'You are a car mechanic, I see, you had a car repair shop', says Peter. 'How old are you?'
'I'm 36 years old', tells the young man.
'Hm, but you have billed 508 080 hours from your customers alone in the last 10 years. That makes 58 years, working 24/7. Can you explain it?'
'These foreign cars! You have to work around the clock to get them fixed!'

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I havenever seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.


They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...

'Go get your mother.'

Great one...

May be P.I.,but funny all the same...

The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
'Hey Jose, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'
'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee..'
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
'Jose, Jose, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'
'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'
'Jose when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smells like bacon.... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.
And with that... Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Jose following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Jose with his dying breath.
'Jose... go back man, you was right ees not a bacon tree.'
'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?
'Jose... ees not a bacon tree...
　



　
Ees
　
Eees a ham bush.

The sad part is we Latin Americans do talk like that (some with not all the mistakes). Last night my family and I volunteered with stophungernow.org to pack food bags for Haiti. We were packing soy protein, powdered vitamins, dried vegetables and rice in a plastic bag, putting them in bins that were then taken to weighing, sealing and packing (we packed about 50k meals in our shift).

Well, at one point we ran out of bins in our station and I started shouting for more, a guy looked at me and said "Beans? We don't have any beans!". I was like "just get some trays will you..?

DreemWarrior said:

May be P.I.,but funny all the same...

The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
'Hey Jose, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'
'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee..'
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
'Jose, Jose, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'
'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'
'Jose when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smells like bacon.... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.
And with that... Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Jose following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Jose with his dying breath.
'Jose... go back man, you was right ees not a bacon tree.'
'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?
'Jose... ees not a bacon tree...
　



　
Ees
　
Eees a ham bush.