Jokes Thread [3]

[BrightBlessings]

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the
Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are far too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much.
You think your stiff upper lips make you above the rest of us. Look at
me...I'm ME. I have the Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood,
and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

THE ENGLISHMAN REPLIED, "AWFULLY SPORTING OF YOUR MOTHER, OLD CHAP !!!!!"

 

[Trucidation]

Ouch, burrrrn! Ha.

Girls At Different Ages In Your Life
At 8: “You Take Her To Bed And Tell Her A Story”
At 18: “You Tell Her A Story And Take Her To Bed”
At 28: “You Don’t Need To Tell Her A Story To Take Her To Bed”
At 38: “She Tells You A Story And Takes You To Bed”
At 48: “You Tell Her A Story To Avoid Going To Bed”
At 58: “You Stay In Bed To Avoid Her Story”
At 68: “If You Take Her To Bed, That’ll Be A Story“

 

[Dinesh]

Ouch, burrrrn! Ha.

Girls At Different Ages In Your Life
At 8: “You Take Her To Bed And Tell Her A Story”
At 18: “You Tell Her A Story And Take Her To Bed”
At 28: “You Don’t Need To Tell Her A Story To Take Her To Bed”
At 38: “She Tells You A Story And Takes You To Bed”
At 48: “You Tell Her A Story To Avoid Going To Bed”
At 58: “You Stay In Bed To Avoid Her Story”
At 68: “If You Take Her To Bed, That’ll Be A Story“

:haha::roflmao:

 

[pebbly]

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £10,000.

The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the supermarket manager stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

(You're going to hate me for this..........)

"ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 at Tesco!"

 

[pebbly]

Blonde wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen."

Husband texts back: "Pour some luke warm - not hot - water over it."

Wife texts back: "Computer really b******d now.”

 

[richnrockville]

Blonde wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen."

Husband texts back: "Pour some luke warm - not hot - water over it."

Wife texts back: "Computer really b******d now.”

Now that's a good one.

Rich

 

[arizonajack]

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section.
The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have
a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have
a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The
stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she
says "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first
class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardesses didn't know what to do
because they had to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off,
so they got the co-pilot. The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and
whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in
the coach section. The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said
to her to get her to move. The co-pilot replies, "I told her that the
front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

 

[arizonajack]

A man gets new tires one afternoon and apparently the mechanic failed to tighten the lug nuts on one of the wheels because later that night he's driving down a dark, lonely road and his wheel falls off. He is able to jack up the car and put the wheel back on but can't find the lug nuts, even with a flashlight. He starts pacing back and forth, wringing his hands, "What am I going to do, what am I going to do?" (This happened back before cell phones.)

He hears a rustling behind him and turns to see a figure in the bushes behind a chain link fence. The fence bears a sign that says mental institution.

The guy behind the fences says "Lost your lug nuts, eh?"

Motorist: "Yes."

Patient: "Can't find them, eh?"

Motorist: "That's right."

Patient: "Well, take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels and drive slowly till you get home."

Motorist: "Wow, I'm amazed that you came up with that idea."

Patient: "I'm crazy, but not stupid."

 

[Hopalong X]

A man gets new tires one afternoon and apparently the mechanic failed to tighten the lug nuts on one of the wheels because later that night he's driving down a dark, lonely road and his wheel falls off. He is able to jack up the car and put the wheel back on but can't find the lug nuts, even with a flashlight. He starts pacing back and forth, wringing his hands, "What am I going to do, what am I going to do?" (This happened back before cell phones.)

He hears a rustling behind him and turns to see a figure in the bushes behind a chain link fence. The fence bears a sign that says mental institution.

The guy behind the fences says "Lost your lug nuts, eh?"

Motorist: "Yes."

Patient: "Can't find them, eh?"

Motorist: "That's right."

Patient: "Well, take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels and drive slowly till you get home."

Motorist: "Wow, I'm amazed that you came up with that idea."

Patient: "I'm crazy, but not stupid."

I first heard that one about 1968. :shock:

The good ones always come back around just like the lug nuts. :devil:

 

[arizonajack]

A man gets new tires one afternoon and apparently the mechanic failed to tighten the lug nuts on one of the wheels because later that night he's driving down a dark, lonely road and his wheel falls off. He is able to jack up the car and put the wheel back on but can't find the lug nuts, even with a flashlight. He starts pacing back and forth, wringing his hands, "What am I going to do, what am I going to do?" (This happened back before cell phones.)

He hears a rustling behind him and turns to see a figure in the bushes behind a chain link fence. The fence bears a sign that says mental institution.

The guy behind the fences says "Lost your lug nuts, eh?"

Motorist: "Yes."

Patient: "Can't find them, eh?"

Motorist: "That's right."

Patient: "Well, take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels and drive slowly till you get home."

Motorist: "Wow, I'm amazed that you came up with that idea."

Patient: "I'm crazy, but not stupid."

I first heard that one about 1968. :shock:

:devil:

Yeah, that's about the same time I first heard it.

 

[Hopalong X]

It is worth a new run for the "youngsters".

 

[BugMeister]

a cannibal is eating a comedian..
- suddenly he stops and says, "This tastes funny.."

 

[marsmimar]

A jungle explorer was in a pot of boiling water. Two cannibal children were
playing catch with him.

The mother yells at the children: "How many times have I told you . . . stop
playing with your food??!!?"

 

[arizonajack]

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."

The king then explains the trial to him-you have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.

The first apple went in...but on the second one he winced in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second guy arrives with ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...but on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The second one replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

 

[A Guy]

A blond calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"

"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"

"Well,I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."

"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."

"It's a big rooster," she said.

The husband arrives home and tells his wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

A Guy

 

[pebbly]

A chemist walks back into his shop after a short break and sees a man leaning against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant

"He came in for cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives" replied the assistant.

"You f----kn idiot" exclaims the chemist, "you can't treat a cough with laxatives"

"Of course you can" replies the assistant, "look at him, he's too f---kn scared to cough"

 

[pebbly]

Two IRISHMEN were looking at a mail order catalogue and admiring the models.
One says to the other,
'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?'
The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful.
And look at the price!'


The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'


The second one smiles and pats him on the back.
'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful
as she is in the catalogue, I will get one too.'


Three weeks later the youngest IRISHMAN asks his pal, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the catalogue?'


The second IRISHMAN replies......
'No, but it shouldn't be long now. She sent all her clothes yesterday’

 

[pebbly]

After landing my new job as a B&Q greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ......About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly

unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.


I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Don't be effing stupid. Of course they aren't twins.

The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind,

or just stupid?"


I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone sh****d you twice.

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B&Q."

My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

 

[arizonajack]

Warning: Dirty Joke Ahead


Top 10 things WOMEN would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal about sports, cars and money.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9.

 

[jadinolf]

View attachment 181392

http://www.sevenforums.com/chillout-room/174695-funny-geeky-cool-pics-2-a-49.html#post1609619

A Guy

A Guy,
I am always a day late and a dollar short.........that's what happens when you get
up there in years like me....

You mean I have that to look forward to?