Jokes Thread [3]

[LADYPINKtomato1]

The Trip

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.
So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband......
　
　
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks
its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said, "Who S_ _ _ _ed up your hair?!"

 

[A Guy]

Letter from an Irish Mother to her Son

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.

You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.

Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!

Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

We had a letter from the under-taker. He said if the last payment on your Grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Your loving Mum


P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

A Guy

 

[Hopalong X]

Medical bloopers!

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,' . . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,' . . . replied the patient. ​

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ' How long have you been bedridden? '
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . . ' So how's your breakfast this morning? '
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste' Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
A foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
​

 

[BrightBlessings]

Frank and his bride had just returned from the honeymoon and were settling down in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night the landlady met Frank in the hallway and said, "I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your new 'Missus' would like to have them?"
"I'll ask her," he responded. Opening the door to his apartment he called out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"
"No way!!," his bride retorted, "If you show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going home to my Mother!"

 

[Britton30]

Don't assume too much!​

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: "Windows frozen."


Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it."


Wife texts back: "Computer completely screwed up now!"​

 

[Layback Bear]

Britton; some how I think that is true.

 

[Dwarf]

Britton; some how I think that is true.

Is that from personal experience? Or were you the one who made the phone call? :huh:

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Don't assume too much!


Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: "Windows frozen."


Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it."


Wife texts back: "Computer completely screwed up now!"​

SEE what happens when we assume, most often we're wrong. W R O N G..
plus we get in big, BIG messes.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Frank and his bride had just returned from the honeymoon and were settling down in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night the landlady met Frank in the hallway and said, "I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your new 'Missus' would like to have them?"
"I'll ask her," he responded. Opening the door to his apartment he called out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"
"No way!!," his bride retorted, "If you show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going home to my Mother!"

OHHH NOOOO , does this mean the marriage is almost over ???:huh::shock:

 

[Layback Bear]

Britton; some how I think that is true.

Is that from personal experience? Or were you the one who made the phone call? :huh:

No No; I just know a couple that live West of Virgina that would fit to a T if the circumstances would arise.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

New SIM to surprise her husband
Woman Buys A New Sim Card Puts It In Her Phone And Decides To Surprise Her Husband

Who Is Seated On The Couch In The Living Room.
She Goes To The Kitchen, Calls Her Husband With The New Number:
"Hello Darling" The Husband Responds In A Low Tone:

"Let Me Call U Back Later Honey, The Dumb Lady Is In The Kitchen.."

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Wife treats husband
A Wife Treats Hubby By Taking Him To A Lap Dance Club For His Birthday ..

At The Club: Doorman Says: "Hi Jim How are You?

Wife Asks: "How Does He Know You? "

Jim Says: "Oh Dear, I Play Football with Him"

Inside Barman Says: "The Usual Jim?"

Jim Says To Wife: "Before You Say Anything, He's On the Darts Team."

Next A Lap Dancer Says: "Hi Jim Do You Crave Special Again?"

The Wife Storms Out Dragging Jim With Her & Jumps Into A Taxi..

Driver Says "Hey Jimmy Boy, You Picked Up An Ugly One This Time.."



Jim's Funeral Is On Sunday

 

[A Guy]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on a plane and he turned to her and asked, ‘Do you want to talk?’ Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’

The little girl who had just started to read a book replied, ‘What do you want to talk about?’

‘Oh I don’t know,’ said the atheist. ‘How about why there is no God or no Heaven or Hell or no life after death’ as he smiled smugly.

‘OK,’ she said. ‘Those could be interesting topics, but let me ask you a question first.’

‘A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same grass, yet a deer excretes pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?’

The atheist visibly surprised by the girls intelligence, thinks about it and says, ‘I have no idea.’

To which the girl replies, ‘Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, no Heaven or Hell or no life after death, when you don’t know Sh*t?’

And she went back to reading her book….

A Guy

 

[BlackSparrow]

Oh god, thanks a lot A Guy, i'm now gonna laugh my ass off for the next 10 mins!

 

[HammerHead]

Quick Thinker

A robber was conducting a holdup in a busy bank when his mask came off. He hurriedly put it back on and turned to a nearby man and asked "Did you see my face?" and the man replied yes. He promptly shot the man. The robber then turned to a nearby woman and asked "Did you see my face?" and she replied no but my husband did.

 

[BrightBlessings]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus
was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her
turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow
her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly
embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her
enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to
discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once
again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the
second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin,
she could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she again
reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the
step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked
her up easily by the waist and placed her gently
on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be
Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know
who you are!' The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I
would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda
figured we was friends.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on a plane and he turned to her and asked, ‘Do you want to talk?’ Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’

The little girl who had just started to read a book replied, ‘What do you want to talk about?’

‘Oh I don’t know,’ said the atheist. ‘How about why there is no God or no Heaven or Hell or no life after death’ as he smiled smugly.

‘OK,’ she said. ‘Those could be interesting topics, but let me ask you a question first.’

‘A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same grass, yet a deer excretes pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?’

The atheist visibly surprised by the girls intelligence, thinks about it and says, ‘I have no idea.’

To which the girl replies, ‘Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, no Heaven or Hell or no life after death, when you don’t know Sh*t?’

And she went back to reading her book….

A Guy

LOL.... I was about to post this also.. you beat me to it. Thanks ..

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus
was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her
turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow
her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly
embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her
enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to
discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once
again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the
second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin,
she could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she again
reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the
step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked
her up easily by the waist and placed her gently
on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be
Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know
who you are!' The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I
would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda
figured we was friends.

Bright B that's a great comeback.. I loved it .

 

[Hopalong X]

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I
would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda
figured we was friends.

Howdy! I'm Hoppy. <Texas sized grin>

 

[Phone Man]

Cajun heritage and damn proud of it.
Jim