Jokes Thread [3]

[Borg 386]

A guy walks into a bar & there's a drunk sitting at the bar, holding a little ball of something muttering "Looks like plastic, feels like rubber...". The guy sits down a couple stools over & after a beer, he notices the drunk is still playing with the ball muttering "Looks like plastic, feels like rubber..."

The guy walks over, looks at the ball & says "Sir, I'm a chemist, can I see that for a moment." The drunk hands it to him & the chemist, after examining it says "Wow, this is weird...it's exactly like you say, it looks like plastic & feels like rubber. Where did this come from?"

The drunk says "My nose..."

 

[richnrockville]

Borg, that one is enough to gag a maggot.

rich

 

[BugMeister]

Q: What do call a man with a rubber toe?

A: Roberto..

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Q: What do call a man with a rubber toe?

A: Roberto..

Lol... now that's cute....

 

[Phone Man]

Jim

 

[BlackSparrow]

View attachment 251844

View attachment 251845


Jim

Oh Jim... xD

 

[Phone Man]

Jim

 

[pebbly]

A little boy enters his parent's bedroom early one morning only to find his mum lying on top of his dad frantically making love. Realising she'd been spotted in the act, mum hurriedly gets dressed and follows her son down the stairs to try and explain what he saw. "Tom", she says, "you know that your daddy has a big fat tummy, well sometimes I have to bounce up and down upon it to flatten it down, that's what I was doing when you came into our room!"

The little boy, looking quite bemused replies, "well that's a waste of time, because whenever you go out shopping the next door neighbour's wife comes around, gets on her Knees and blows it back up again!"

 

[The Howling Wolves]

A little boy enters his parent's bedroom early one morning only to find his mum lying on top of his dad frantically making love. Realising she'd been spotted in the act, mum hurriedly gets dressed and follows her son down the stairs to try and explain what he saw. "Tom", she says, "you know that your daddy has a big fat tummy, well sometimes I have to bounce up and down upon it to flatten it down, that's what I was doing when you came into our room!"

The little boy, looking quite bemused replies, "well that's a waste of time, because whenever you go out shopping the next door neighbour's wife comes around, gets on her Knees and blows it back up again!"

Pebbly,
So much for starting the week off on a good note but having one's stomach flattened and blown back up
is a great way to start your work day.
THW

 

[Layback Bear]

Memories, I think.

 

[BlackSparrow]

A little boy enters his parent's bedroom early one morning only to find his mum lying on top of his dad frantically making love. Realising she'd been spotted in the act, mum hurriedly gets dressed and follows her son down the stairs to try and explain what he saw. "Tom", she says, "you know that your daddy has a big fat tummy, well sometimes I have to bounce up and down upon it to flatten it down, that's what I was doing when you came into our room!"

The little boy, looking quite bemused replies, "well that's a waste of time, because whenever you go out shopping the next door neighbour's wife comes around, gets on her Knees and blows it back up again!"

pebbly... you just made me fall off my chair!

 

[Borg 386]

A man decides he's had enough of the big city & moves to a Alaskan cabin in the middle of nowhere.

He's enjoying the quiet when one day, he see's a grizzled old prospector walking toward his cabin. The prospector walks up to him and says "Howdy. Names Ray. I'm your neighbor, 5 miles over the ridge. Come to invite you to a party. Tomorrow evening."

The man says "Well that sounds nice. I accept your invitation."

The Prospector says "Gotta warn ya, gonna be some drinking & gambling."

The man replies "Oh that's no problem, I wouldn't mind a good drink after all this time."

The prospector says " Gonna be some cussin', fighting and wrestlin' around too."

The man says "Oh...well...I guess that won't be a problem."

The prospector says "Gonna be some wild sex too."

The man thinks it over & says "Well, I haven't been out around others for a bit, so I suppose I can put up with all of that."

As the prospector walks away, the man shouts at him "Excuse me, but what should I wear, will it be formal or casual?"

The prospector turns around and says "Don't matter none...just gonna be you & me there."

 

[Imperfect1]

Oh ick! That was funny, Borg!

 

[suavedude]

A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that
when she married she was to please her husband and never
upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon when the
young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making
love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes
and she let a big fart. She looked up and said, "Excuse
please, front hole so happy back hole whistle!"

This cracks me up...big time!

 

[suavedude]

Involuntary Muscular Contractions

A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical
students.


Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably drinking beer with his mates.'

*It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........*

 

[suavedude]

Kofi hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Abena, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" Kofi said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, Kofi!" Abena said. The next day, Abena ran into one of Kofi's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Kofi won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Abena." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 

[alikhan]

A little boy enters his parent's bedroom early one morning only to find his mum lying on top of his dad frantically making love. Realising she'd been spotted in the act, mum hurriedly gets dressed and follows her son down the stairs to try and explain what he saw. "Tom", she says, "you know that your daddy has a big fat tummy, well sometimes I have to bounce up and down upon it to flatten it down, that's what I was doing when you came into our room!"

The little boy, looking quite bemused replies, "well that's a waste of time, because whenever you go out shopping the next door neighbour's wife comes around, gets on her Knees and blows it back up again!"

:roflmao:

 

[Joan Archer]

SEX AFTER DEATH? A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Judy..........Judy"
"Is that you, George?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful!? What's it like?"
... Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, George, are you in Heaven?"



"No, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

 

[Kari]

Good one Joan!

 

[Dwarf]

Joan, Have you been taking lessons from Kathleen (Pebbly) ? :huh: