Jokes Thread [3]

[robinb9]

Subject: Massage

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

 

[Layback Bear]

BOY I'm going to start loosing more remotes.

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

Just lost mine. :devil2:

 

[Layback Bear]

Careful I take a long time for looking.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

I'm really missing posting on this thread, I've not figured out how to cut and paste on this tablet yet... however I'm saving up. ... when I get back on my laptop.

 

[pebbly]

A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that
when she married she was to please her husband and never
upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon when the
young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making
love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes
and she let a big fart. She looked up and said, "Excuse
please, front hole so happy back hole whistle!"

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

W O W pebbly you are a riot this morning .... you may have to go sit on those naughty steps alone again....lol..

 

[The Howling Wolves]

A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that
when she married she was to please her husband and never
upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon when the
young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making
love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes
and she let a big fart. She looked up and said, "Excuse
please, front hole so happy back hole whistle!"

Pebbly,
You win again...


THW

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

I wath laughing tho hard, I thpewed my drink all over my keyboard and now the eth key dothn't work any more!

 

[boohbah]

i laughed tho hard i farted

lois just shouted through to stop whistling :shock:

 

[BlackSparrow]

The Top 10 Signs You're Sick of the Holidays:


10. You've got red and green bags under your eyes
9. You're serving reindeer pot pie
8. When you hear, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?," you scream, "No! I'm not listening!"
7. You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers in the ass with your BB gun
6. You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you
5. Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some guy make photo copies
4. You're busted for running through town wearing nothing but mistletoe.
3. You've got eggnog coming out of your ears
2. Your standard response, "And happy holidays to you too, you *******"
1. Two words: tinsel rash

 

[pebbly]

Paddy's ambling down Soho one night feeling rather frisky but quite skint. Suddenly, he notices a discount brothel that's restricted to blind men only. Buying a pair of dark glasses and a stick from a nearby novelty shop, he then enters the house of ill-repute and is directed to one of the 'lady's' rooms.

Half way through the proceedings, he feels the beauty's backside then inquires "what's with all of the feckin spots on yeh bum darlin?". Enraged, she dismounts and says "you're not bleeding blind Paddy, that's the price list in Braille!"

 

[pebbly]

A farmer in the local village is having trouble with one of his farm hands servicing the cows before the bull has his chance. In despair, he confides with the pub landlord about his dilemma. The landlord, in his wisdom, suggests a solution to the farmer in that the local floozy could visit the farm and distract the farm hand from his unusual sexual activities.

Sure enough, the farmer agrees to this and everything is arranged. That night the floozy ventures up to the farm dressed in a very seductive little number, accentuating her voluptuous figure. She hears all of the moans and groans coming from the barn and quietly enters without the farm hand noticing. There he is, stood in a wheelbarrow, servicing a brown cow whilst he's at it!

The floozy decides that extreme action is required and strips off naked then walks alluringly towards the farm hand asking coyly, "is there anything I can do for you Paddy?" To which he replied, "yes, you could wheel me over there to that feckin black one!"

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

Oopsie

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

Another oopsie.

 

[BlackSparrow]

A farmer in the local village is having trouble with one of his farm hands servicing the cows before the bull has his chance. In despair, he confides with the pub landlord about his dilemma. The landlord, in his wisdom, suggests a solution to the farmer in that the local floozy could visit the farm and distract the farm hand from his unusual sexual activities.

Sure enough, the farmer agrees to this and everything is arranged. That night the floozy ventures up to the farm dressed in a very seductive little number, accentuating her voluptuous figure. She hears all of the moans and groans coming from the barn and quietly enters without the farm hand noticing. There he is, stood in a wheelbarrow, servicing a brown cow whilst he's at it!

The floozy decides that extreme action is required and strips off naked then walks alluringly towards the farm hand asking coyly, "is there anything I can do for you Paddy?" To which he replied, "yes, you could wheel me over there to that feckin black one!"

Paddy's ambling down Soho one night feeling rather frisky but quite skint. Suddenly, he notices a discount brothel that's restricted to blind men only. Buying a pair of dark glasses and a stick from a nearby novelty shop, he then enters the house of ill-repute and is directed to one of the 'lady's' rooms.

Half way through the proceedings, he feels the beauty's backside then inquires "what's with all of the feckin spots on yeh bum darlin?". Enraged, she dismounts and says "you're not bleeding blind Paddy, that's the price list in Braille!"

Oh pebbly, how do you come up with all those hilarious jokes? :roflmao:

 

[Dinesh]

A store that sells “New Husbands” has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor number 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please!!!
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

(scroll and keep reading!)




PLEASE NOTE:

the store's owner opened a “New Wives Store”
just across the street.

The 1st Floor has wives that listen to men.

The 2nd, 3rd, 4th,5th and 6th floor have never been visited by men 

 

[Kari]

:roflmao:

Good one Dinesh! And so true.

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

Hey, we women always listen to men! Take them seriously? Well, that's another story.

 

[Dinesh]

:roflmao:

Good one Dinesh! And so true.

Yes, it is indeed.