Jokes Thread 2

[DocBrown]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.



He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.



"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."



Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.






Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.


Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"





(folks, you're gonna luv this)














The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a RollingStone."








(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are...)


Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!



Have a great day

 

[gladson1976]

I did sing, but I didn't grin. I was :roflmao:
You ROCK DOC

 

[slash3r]

Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is an architect and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I'm not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."

 

[Tews]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms

and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

 

[Kari]

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

That is a good one.

 

[A Guy]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms

and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

:roflmao: Forgot that one, lol. A Guy

 

[madtownidiot]

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan.

“What the hell was that for?” he asked.

“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,” she replied.

“But you don’t understand,” he pleaded. “Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”

“Oh honey, I’m sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.”

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, “What was that for?” he begged.

“Your horse called!”

 

[The Howling Wolves]

MY LAST TRIP TO CostcoYesterday I was at my local Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Buddy , the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...... it will be their laugh for the day!!!

 

[ionbasa]

okay a punny joke relating to my first name.
There are 2 atoms walking down the street. the first one stops and tells the second one "I think i lost an electron"

The second atom says "are you sure?"

the first atom replies: "of course I am......Im positive"
:roflmao::haha:
........hahaha......well not realy, but my first name is Ion, pronounced E-ah-n
so theres my punny chemistry/physics joke....

 

[CarlTR6]

A
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

:roflmao::roflmao:
I love it!!

 

[slash3r]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms

and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Forgive me, for I am stupid, but I don't understand the punch line. Can someone enlighten me? :huh:

 

[WindowsStar]

[Forgive me, for I am stupid, but I don't understand the punch line. Can someone enlighten me? :huh:

The turkey is FROZEN! He left it in the freezer extra long. He is dead.

 

[Thorsen]

Passionate Lady....


"Welcome to the Sunnyvale Horseracing Track, I'm your announcer Richard Small. Before the race begins, lets have a look at the line up...

Lineup:

In lane 1. Passionate Lady
In lane 2. Bare Belly
In lane 3. Silk Panties
In lane 4. Conscience
In lane 5. Jockey Shorts
In lane 6. Clean Sheets
In lane 7. Thighs
In lane 8. Big Johnson
In lane 9. Heavy Bosom
In lane 10. Merry Cherry

THEY'RE OFF!!!

Conscience is left behind at the gate.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson is in a dangerous spot.

AT THE HALFWAY MARK:

It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Johnson is pressed in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.

AT THE STRETCH:

Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.
Big Johnson is making a final drive.
Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

AT THE FINISH:

It's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and
Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head...

Bare Belly shows...

Thighs weakens...

Heavy Bosom pulls up and Clean Sheets never had a chance."

 

[Trucidation]

What creatively named horses

MY LAST TRIP TO Costco

:roflmao:

 

[Kirsch]

Forgive me, for I am stupid, but I don't understand the punch line. Can someone enlighten me? :huh:

If you buy a Turkey, where do you store it? The freezer.

The bird saw the frozen turkey in the freezer and decided to calm down

 

[gladson1976]

Exercises

This really works!

I came across these simple exercises recently and thought I should share‚ them with you. The article suggested doing it three times a week.

1. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 2kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms‚ straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to‚ reach a full minute, and then relax.

2. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit‚ longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato sacks. Then 25kg‚ potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50kg‚ potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute
(I'm at this level).


3. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

 

[BrightBlessings]

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
Holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam..
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
Is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands
To hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
And your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man
And replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"

 

[yowanvista]

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
Holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam..
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
Is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands
To hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
And your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man
And replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"

:roflmao:

 

[CarlTR6]

1. Go to Google maps Google Maps
2. Go to Get Directions
3. Type in Japan for start location
4. Type in China for the end location
5. Scroll down to direction #43......
6. Laugh