Jokes Thread 2

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Cat Lover or Not, this is funny!
View attachment 115069
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'

There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold..

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew! View attachment 115070

 

[Pusspa]

just wanted to say that after reading this post http://www.sevenforums.com/hardware...-need-new-thermal-compound-4.html#post1081640 i was reminded of the joke, what do lentils and dildos have in common? they are both meat substitutes.

 

[smarteyeball]

j what do lentils and dildos have in common? they are both meat substitutes.

Heh heh heh...


Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.

She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.

She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says, 'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'

 

[Fluffy]

1. Go to Google maps Google Maps
2. Go to Get Directions
3. Type in Japan for start location
4. Type in China for the end location
5. Scroll down to direction #43......
6. Laugh

43. Jet ski across the Pacific Ocean
Love it

 

[xarden]

Good ol' Google and their easter eggs...

 

[alfred01]

What do tattoo's and a political convention have in common?........Both involve thousands of little pricks.

 

[alfred01]

j what do lentils and dildos have in common? they are both meat substitutes.

Heh heh heh...


Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.

She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.

She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says, 'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'

I don't get it. No, I understand the joke I just don't.......

 

[ionbasa]

1. Go to Google maps Google Maps
2. Go to Get Directions
3. Type in Japan for start location
4. Type in China for the end location
5. Scroll down to direction #43......
6. Laugh

43. Jet ski across the Pacific Ocean
Love it

lol thats nothing compared to this:
1. Go to google maps
2. Go to Get Directions
3. Type in Exeter Street, Loma Linda, CA for the start location.(my street)
4. End location Japan
5 look at step 18 and step 33.
lol= its even slower than jet skiing

 

[andsome]

Fancy dress party

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.

Being embarrassed about his bald head and wooden leg, he doesn't know what to wear to cover up his
head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will look just the part?.

The man is very offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note: Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is now incandescent with rage, because the fancy dress company has now gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the treacle over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse, and go as a toffee apple.

 

[CarlTR6]

1. Go to Google maps Google Maps
2. Go to Get Directions
3. Type in Japan for start location
4. Type in China for the end location
5. Scroll down to direction #43......
6. Laugh

43. Jet ski across the Pacific Ocean
Love it

lol thats nothing compared to this:
1. Go to google maps
2. Go to Get Directions
3. Type in Exeter Street, Loma Linda, CA for the start location.(my street)
4. End location Japan
5 look at step 18 and step 33.
lol= its even slower than jet skiing

Yes, but think of the upper body strength it would build!

 

[The Howling Wolves]

May your stuffing be tasty, May your turkey be plump, May your potatoes and gravy Have never a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner Stay off your thighs!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! Be safe in your travel to and from your loved ones!!

Enjoy the cartoons....

 

[BrightBlessings]

How cost effective!

ANOTHER GREAT IDEA FROM AN AVERAGE JOE. WHY AREN'T PEOPLE WITH COMMON SENSE
LIKE THIS IN WASHINGTON/CANBERRA?
Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the
airports:

All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not
X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or
in your body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.

This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be none of this stuff
about racial profiling and the device itself would eliminate long and
expensive trials.

This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the
airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an
announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers, we now
have a seat available on flight number..."

Works for me!

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

Hello BB, that's a good one.

 

[andsome]

How cost effective!

ANOTHER GREAT IDEA FROM AN AVERAGE JOE. WHY AREN'T PEOPLE WITH COMMON SENSE
LIKE THIS IN WASHINGTON/CANBERRA?
Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the
airports:

All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not
X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or
in your body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.

This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be none of this stuff
about racial profiling and the device itself would eliminate long and
expensive trials.

This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the
airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an
announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers, we now
have a seat available on flight number..."

Works for me!

ABSOBLOODYLUTELYBRILLIANT!!

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Here's the photo of the New Air Security.....

 

[WindowsStar]

How cost effective!

ANOTHER GREAT IDEA FROM AN AVERAGE JOE. WHY AREN'T PEOPLE WITH COMMON SENSE
LIKE THIS IN WASHINGTON/CANBERRA?
Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the
airports:

All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not
X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or
in your body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.

This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be none of this stuff
about racial profiling and the device itself would eliminate long and
expensive trials.

This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the
airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an
announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers, we now
have a seat available on flight number..."

Works for me!

Completely Perfect! Awesome Idea!!!!

 

[targnik]

For us married folk :dragging_chain:

What do marriage and a tornado have in common??

At the start there's a lot of sucking & blowing

...and...

...in the end you lose your house!! :roflmao:

 

[lorddenis]

What do marriage and a tornado have in common??

At the start there's a lot of sucking & blowing

...and...

...in the end you lose your house!! :roflmao:

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::haha:

 

[gladson1976]

How cost effective!

ANOTHER GREAT IDEA FROM AN AVERAGE JOE. WHY AREN'T PEOPLE WITH COMMON SENSE
LIKE THIS IN WASHINGTON/CANBERRA?
Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the
airports:

All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not
X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or
in your body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.

This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be none of this stuff
about racial profiling and the device itself would eliminate long and
expensive trials.

This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the
airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an
announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers, we now
have a seat available on flight number..."

Works for me!

Here's the photo of the New Air Security.....
View attachment 116190

Perfect :roflmao:

 

[BrightBlessings]

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