Jokes Thread [3]

[richnrockville]

FWIW: The difference between a Fairy Tale and a Sea Story:

A fairy tale always begins: Once upon a time.

A sea story always begins: Now this is no S**T.

Rich

 

[Britton30]

You can always tell when someone is about to tell a lie, they begin with,
"To be honest" or,
"To tell you the truth..."

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Children in church

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.


Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

 

[BlackSparrow]

Oh god, Michael Winslow is too funny.

 

[A Guy]

The Scottish Tourist

A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring " Run....Run!"

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: " R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya! "

A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams " R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya! "

The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells " R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run! " All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, " He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls. "

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, " Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!! "

A Guy

 

[indianacarnie]

:roflmao:

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

 

[richnrockville]

Saw this on G+ that really hit my funny bone.

A little, silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a very difficult jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help her with the puzzle. When he arrives, the old lady shows him the puzzle spread out all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says:

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." Then he takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." and he says this with a deep sigh...




"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

 

[pebbly]

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

 

[A Guy]

Gonna have to groan that one Kathryn

A Guy

 

[Trevers1987]

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

O no ........ your really spoiling us

 

[BlackSparrow]

Gonna have to groan that one Kathryn

A Guy

 

[Hopalong X]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 76).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid.... "Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you might be my kid."

 

[BugMeister]

Oops, I laughed so much me lallies gave way under me..!!:roflmao:

 

[BugMeister]

:roflmao:

 

[Borg 386]

mmmm hmmmm

 

[Borg 386]

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

 

[richnrockville]

Good one Borg

Rich

 

[jadinolf]

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

Excellent!

Thanks

 

[Joan Archer]

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a fel...ony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

 

[pebbly]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaning that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.