Jokes Thread [3]

[Dwarf]

And the best part is this:

When they decide to get in touch with her directly, they address the envelope as follows:

Mrs Smith (deceased)
Plot 1049,
Finchley Memorial Cemetery,
Great North Road,
London

As if that wasn't enough, they begin the enclosed letter as follows:

Dear Mrs Smith,

We are very sorry to learn of your death.

In order to finalise matters pertaining to your account, we would be pleased to hear from you at your earliest convenience.

The Bank.

N.B. We are truly sorry to hear of your passing. If there is anything we can do to be of assistance to you, please ask.

 

[Joan Archer]

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Layback Bear]

A young blond woman in a broken moaning voice stated that she liked men who put their money where the mouth is. Billy Bob raised his head and said that he had already put it on the night stand where the lamp was.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

 

[A Guy]

View attachment 181392

http://www.sevenforums.com/chillout-room/174695-funny-geeky-cool-pics-2-a-49.html#post1609619

A Guy

 

[The Howling Wolves]

View attachment 181392

http://www.sevenforums.com/chillout-room/174695-funny-geeky-cool-pics-2-a-49.html#post1609619

A Guy

A Guy,
I am always a day late and a dollar short.........that's what happens when you get
up there in years like me....

 

[A Guy]

View attachment 181392

http://www.sevenforums.com/chillout-room/174695-funny-geeky-cool-pics-2-a-49.html#post1609619

A Guy

A Guy,
I am always a day late and a dollar short.........that's what happens when you get
up there in years like me....

Many don't visit that thread, so will see yours And remember what my Mom's 92 year old neighbor always said when I'd ask him how he was:

"Another day above ground..."

A Guy

 

[The Howling Wolves]

http://www.sevenforums.com/chillout-room/174695-funny-geeky-cool-pics-2-a-49.html#post1609619

A Guy

A Guy,
I am always a day late and a dollar short.........that's what happens when you get
up there in years like me....

Many don't visit that thread, so will see yours And remember what my Mom's 92 year old neighbor always said when I'd ask him how he was:

"Another day above ground..."

A Guy

Or...............I am on the green side of the grass!

 

[The Howling Wolves]

"Listen Mr. Tech Support! I have been on hold for the last 30 minutes!!!
All I wanted was for you to install my MOUSE.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

THE TOILET SEAT

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks
to paint the seat on their toilet.

Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After
finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower.
Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.
As she tried to stand up,she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her
to the toilet seat.

About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever..
Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts.

Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her
to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study
how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).

Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,
"Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Subject: History Of The Middle Finger

I am so much more in the know than I was, so interesting. I never knew this before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English archers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the
longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'
And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing

 

[Bongo]

Apple Family

 

[richnrockville]

This is terrible but funny.
Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds,
20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.
The big guy says: "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers
to the questions everyone always asks me.....
I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles
weighs 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around "

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Places I've been : Observation



I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump , and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

 

[A Guy]

Good one M'Lady

A Guy

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Football and the Blonde

Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be one the best -- because it makes football make sense!

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

 

[seavixen32]

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

:roflmao::roflmao:

WOW Dennis this is one of the best all time blonde jokes.. lol:roflmao:

 

[The Howling Wolves]

:roflmao::roflmao:

WOW Dennis this is one of the best all time blonde jokes.. lol:roflmao:

How to give a quarterback.........................2 dimes and a nickel!

 

[Hopalong X]

This is the new Miss Kentucky and the picture that will stay with her for the rest of her life:
Make-up and hair style ................... $500
New dress for the show ................$700
Giant stuffed bear ........................... $300

Not knowing how to hold the bear with a microphone in her hand.......Priceless!!!