Jokes Thread [3]

[The Howling Wolves]

THIS IS HOW IT BEGAN!!

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP). And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE). That is how it all began, and that's the truth.

 

[Qdos]

Did you know the internal combustion engine was invented long before the time of Christ?

Most people believe it only came into being thousands of years later, after the steam engine had been invented - but this is untrue.

Want proof? Open a copy of the First Testament and turn to Exodus...

"The roar of Moses Triumph was heard throughout the land...."

So he had a motorbike...

 

[seavixen32]

Seen outside a church near Anfield Road, the home of Liverpool Football Club, was a poster in big letters claiming that JESUS SAVES!!

To which a local scally had scrawled in reply: "BUT IAN ST. JOHN SCORES ON THE REBOUND!!"

 

[richnrockville]

FWIW:


Tom had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00.'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks
Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More 'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

 

[jfar]

Dear R_A_NICC,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed
undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs
4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Kiara
------------------------------ ----------------

Dear Kiara:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5. 0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System
Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources)

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

"Excellent Tortoise Wisdom!"‏

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, and I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's-ass. It's the tortoise life for me!

1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, only drinks water, and is fat.
3. A rabbit only eats vegetables, runs and hops all day long, and only lives 5 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing energetic, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise! I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me.

 

[Layback Bear]

THIS IS HOW IT BEGAN!!

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP). And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE). That is how it all began, and that's the truth.

Very very good. I like that. How long did it take you to do it?

 

[profdlp]

Very very good. I like that. How long did it take you to do it?

5772 years.

Jewish Holiday Calendar 5772 - Jewish Holidays in 2011-2012

 

[seavixen32]

From comedian Tim Vine:

Conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

THE GOLF BALL AND THE SAND WEDGE




> A woman takes a lover home during the day,
> while her husband is at work.
>
> Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly,
> sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet.
> Then the woman's husband also comes home.
> She puts her lover in the closet,
> not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
>
> The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
>
> The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
>
> Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'
>
> Man - 'That's nice.'
>
> Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
>
> Man - 'No, thanks.'
>
> Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
>
> Man - 'OK, how much?'
>
> Boy - '$250'
>
> A few weeks later,
> it happens again that the boy and the lover,
> are in the closet together...
>
> Boy - 'Dark in here.'
>
> Man - 'Yes, it is.'
>
> Boy - 'I have a sand wedge.'
> The lover, remembering the last time,
> asks the boy, 'How much?'
>
> Boy - '$750'
>
> Man - 'Sold.'
>
> A few days later, the boys father says to the boy,
> 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball,
> let's go outside and have some short game practice.
> The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'
>
> The father says, 'What?!
> How much did you sell them for?'
>
> Boy - '$1,000.'
>
> The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost.
> I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'
>
> They go to the church, and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
>
> The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
>
> The priest says, 'Don't start that shit with me again.
> You're in my closet now!'

 

[pebbly]

A girl came skipping home from school one day.


'Mommy, Mommy,' she yelled, 'we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!'

'Very good,' said her mother.

'Is it because I'm blonde?' the girl said. 'Yes, it's because you're blonde,' said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. 'Mommy, Mommy,' she yelled, 'we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!'

'Very good,' said her mother.

'Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?'

'Yes, it's because you're blonde.'

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,' she yelled, 'we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!' And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

'Very good,' said her embarrassed mother.

'Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?'
'No Honey, it's because you're 24.'

 

[pebbly]

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"


The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"

The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde!"

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh,I'm sorry." She gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her First Class isn't going to Houston "

 

[Dwarf]

With reference to the Skipping Girl joke: Not only is she blonde, but she's also the teacher!

Thought I'd recall this one, posted last August:

An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman were sat in a bar drowning their sorrows. It had seemed a long time since any of them had seen any boobs, let alone had any chance of fondling any.

Last orders soon came, and Paddy turned to Fred and Jock and said "I'll see you down by the harbour tomorrow morning. I have a feeling that if we're cleaning our boats, our luck will change."

The friends agreed, and so the next morning they were down at the harbour cleaning their boats. Whilst they were doing so, who should come by but 3 very buxom girls who were very well endowed on the upper part of their bodies.

The redhead walked upto Paddy and said "Can I have a ride in your boat?" Paddy replied "Sure. Climb aboard."

Next, the blonde went upto Fred and asked the same thing. Again Fred replied "Sure. Climb aboard."

Finally, the brunette approached Jock and once again asked the same question, to which Jock replied in the same way as Paddy and Fred had done previously.

The following day, Paddy and Fred met up again at the bar. Each had a huge smile on their faces. They told each other what had happened when they went out in their boat. "It was like this, we went out for miles and miles and then I killed the engine. I then turned to her and said 'It's either screw or swim!' And then she said 'I can't swim!'"

A short while later, Jock ambled in with an awkward gait. He looked sad, and had tears running down his face. Paddy and Fred told him how they had got on, and then asked him what had happened to him. Jock replied "I took her out in the boat, miles and miles out to sea." Paddy said "Go on, go on." Jock continued "I then killed the engine and said 'It's either screw or swim!'" Fred said "Well, what happened next?" With a tear in his eye, Jock continued "She pulled down her pants and.... She had a pecker, a great BIG pecker.... and I can't swim!"

Fred went over to Jock, put his arms around his shoulders and said "I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you'll be feeling better soon."

Jock thanked Fred for his comforting words and then turned to Paddy. "Well, don't you have something to say to comfort me?" he said.

Paddy thought for a moment. Being Irish, it was more of a mo than a moment, but then he said "You shouldn't have been wearing that dress, Jock. You shouldn't have been wearing that dress."

 

[pebbly]

Good one Dwarf :roflmao:

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Good one Dwarf :roflmao:

Pebbly,
Don't be laughing at my dress that I wore.
It was one that I removed from your closet last night.
THW

 

[Dwarf]

Now then Dennis (or is that Jock?)

I thought that dress looked familiar.

 

[panais]

A girl came skipping home from school one day.


'Mommy, Mommy,' she yelled, 'we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!'

'Very good,' said her mother.

'Is it because I'm blonde?' the girl said. 'Yes, it's because you're blonde,' said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. 'Mommy, Mommy,' she yelled, 'we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!'

'Very good,' said her mother.

'Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?'

'Yes, it's because you're blonde.'

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,' she yelled, 'we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!' And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

'Very good,' said her embarrassed mother.

'Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?'
'No Honey, it's because you're 24.'

Good one!!

:roflmao:

 

[pebbly]

Now then Dennis (or is that Paddy?)

I thought that dress looked familiar.

I,ve told you 2 before about looking in my closet

 

[pebbly]

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."

The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."

"Yes I do!"

"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"

"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"

"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."

"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"

"Well, then I pick up some of the s**t that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of
the cage."

"Well, what if there ain't no s**t in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some s**t on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."

 

[pebbly]

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."