Jokes Thread [3]

[LADYPINKtomato1]

That's exactly what this thread is all about.. helping us all to enjoy our hard working days..
laughing out loud when we can here later!!

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

New . . . For Senior Travel and over crowded nursing homes.

I did not know this...

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart
problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Warn all your friends.
I have mine ordered.
View attachment 198917

 

[seavixen32]

Statiticians say that one in four of us will suffer from mental health problems at some time in our life.

If you are in a group of four and the other three appear to be perfectly sane and normal it must be you!

 

[Layback Bear]

Nice one Lady. I have been telling people you years ice is fating so if you don't want to gain weight drink your booze UP/NEAT.

 

[pebbly]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what’s happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body.

"Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner.

The DI is taken to the second dead man. "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The DI is taken to the last body. "Ah" says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Irishman 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken," replies the coroner.

 

[pebbly]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to lodge a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It’s Keith, the dwarf."

 

[pebbly]

A chap asks a prostitute for business and she tells him it’s $20. "Fine" he says, "but I’m a bit kinky". She agrees that this is OK as long as he doesn’t do anything violent.

They get back to her flat and he gets out four big springs attached to some straps.

"I want you to put one of these on each elbow and one on each knee" he asks.

The prostitute is worried that she’s getting into something a bit heavy, but she goes along with his request. Then she is told to get down on all fours, naked, in front of him which she does grudgingly.

Then he asks her to start bouncing up and down on the springs and finally he takes duck call whistle from his pocket. "Blow on this while I’m shagging you" he tells her.

So he’s banging away at her from behind while she’s bouncing on the springs blowing the duck whistle. Suddenly she starts to enjoy the screwing, so much so in fact that she experiences the most fantastic orgasm she’s ever had.

After they’ve finished she says "Wow, that was the most fantastic sex I’ve had in 25 years on the game, how the hell did you make it so good?"

"Ah," he replies, "Four spring Duck Technique"

 

[Layback Bear]

Lucky dwarf.
----------------------
Just for information, the knee springs should be a little longer that the elbow springs.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

UPDATE.. the Queen has her new wheels.
View attachment 198948
This is just a joke.. not to offend anyone.

 

[Qdos]

"Thought he was having his picture taken," replies the coroner.

"It’s Keith, the dwarf."

"Four spring Duck Technique"

Who on earth thinks up all these quips...

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Phone Man]

A young kid went to the the local house of prostitution and asked for the skankest whore. The Madam didn't ask why and fixed him up. A Month later the Madam ran into the kid walking down the street and asked him why he had wanted a skanky whore. He said the whore gave him VD, he went home and did his older sister and gave her VD, she did his dad and gave him VD, his dad did his mom and gave her VD and his mom did the postman and gave him VD. And that SOB kicked my dog.

Jim

 

[panais]

New . . . For Senior Travel and over crowded nursing homes.

I did not know this...

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart
problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Warn all your friends.
I have mine ordered.
View attachment 198917

Good one!!

 

[gladson1976]

"Thought he was having his picture taken," replies the coroner.

"It’s Keith, the dwarf."

"Four spring Duck Technique"

Who on earth thinks up all these quips...

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

Earth ???
http://www.sevenforums.com/chillout-room/212756-do-you-believe-aliens.html

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Some guy with nothing to do.. so he sits around making these thing to make us all laugh .:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Layback Bear]

What do you mean nothing to do. Making up jokes is a important thing to do. We need them.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

lol ... LBBear... your comment made me laugh out loud !!!
YOU know what I meant....

 

[Layback Bear]

I know, it was a joke. Happy smiles.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

i know, it was a joke. Happy smiles.

ty... I love the joke thread.

 

[richnrockville]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

Rich

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

~~~SEX WITH A COWBOY...
Prior to her trip to Oklahoma, USA , Carol (a blonde chick from England ), confided to her co-workers and friends she had three goals for her trip;
1. She wanted to taste some real western Bar-B-Q.
2.. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo...And...
3. She wanted to have sex with a local cowboy.

Upon her return, the girls were curious as to how she fared.
'Let me tell you, they have beef to die for, and when they Bar-B-Q it, the taste is unbelievable!'
'And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes...Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!'

Then came the big question,
'Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?'
'Are you kidding me? When I saw the size of the condoms they carry in their back pockets, I changed my freakin' mind!!!

View attachment 199280