Jokes Thread [3]

[LADYPINKtomato1]

I may have to hunt up JIM.. after that photo showed up.. he promised to never bring it
out in public.. now see what he's done ???

 

[pebbly]

What kind of Pee'er are you ?

EXCITABLE - Runs in, grabs for zipper, zipper is stuck; finally gets it down, finds shorts have twisted around his leg, can’t find hole, rips button off in rage, pees in pants.
SOCIABLE - Joins a friend in a pee whether he has to or not.
CROSS-EYED - Looks in one on left, pees in one in middle, flushes one on right.
NOSEY - Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
TIMID - Cannot urinate when someone is watching. Flushes urinal as if he has already used it, sneaks back later.
INDIFFERENT - All urinals being used, pees in sink.
CLEVER - No hands, shows off by fixing tie, looks around, pees on floor.
WORRIED - Is not sure of what he has been into lately; makes quick inspection.
FRIVOLOUS - Plays stream up and down and across urinal, tries to hit fly, never grows up.
ABSENT-MINDED - Opens vest, pulls out tie, pees in pants.
DISGUSTED - Stands for a while, gives up, walks out, goes a few paces, turns and charges back. Doesn’t make it.
SNEAKY - Farts silently while peeing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will be blamed.
CHILDISH - Looks directly into bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
PATIENT - Stands for a very long time, reads paper with free hand.
DESPERATE - Waits in long line, teeth grinding, pees in pants.
EFFICIENT - Waits until he has to sh*t and then does both jobs at once.
TOUGH - Bangs penis against side of urinal to dry it.
FAT - Has to back up and take a long blind shot at urinal, misses, pees on shoes.
LITTLE - Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
DRUNK - Holds left thumb in right hand, pees in pants.

 

[pebbly]

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles one day. Sid asks Al, "Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico ?’

Al replies, "I don’t know, let’s ask our waiter.’

When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?’

The waiter says, "I don’t know senor, I ask the cooks.

"He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senor,the cook say no Mexican Jews.’

Al isn’t satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?’

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies, "I check once again, senor!’and goes back into the kitchen.


While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere.’

The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Tom say there is no Mexican Jews.’

"Are you certain?" Al asks again.

"I just can’t believe there are no Mexican Jews!’

"SENOR, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter, "All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

BUD LITE DRUNK

The Bud Lite drunk....A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ....
Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea.
I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

 

[panais]

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles one day. Sid asks Al, "Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico ?’

Al replies, "I don’t know, let’s ask our waiter.’

When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?’

The waiter says, "I don’t know senor, I ask the cooks.

"He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senor,the cook say no Mexican Jews.’

Al isn’t satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?’

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies, "I check once again, senor!’and goes back into the kitchen.


While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere.’

The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Tom say there is no Mexican Jews.’

"Are you certain?" Al asks again.

"I just can’t believe there are no Mexican Jews!’

"SENOR, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter, "All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews.

Juice!!
:roflmao:

 

[NecroticisM666]

Implements of Math Destruction


At New York's Kennedy airport today an individual, later discovered to be a
public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

The Attorney General believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra
movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed", the Attorney General said.
"They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a
tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures,
with names like "x" and "y", and, although they are frequently referred to as
"unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of
medieval with coordinates in every country.

"As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better
weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

 

[pebbly]

A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.

It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.' So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her
before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £32.

Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.'

'F*** me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the raffle as well !!

 

[pebbly]

Oh the joys of getting old - One minute you're playing on your Wii and the next you're sitting in it

 

[Joan Archer]

:roflmao:

 

[panais]

Oh the joys of getting old - One minute you're playing on your Wii and the next you're sitting in it

Good\clever one!

:roflmao:

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Bass Boat.....
A good old Missouri boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."

He says, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it."



His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is.

She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand.

He yells out to him, "What are you doin'?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishin'. What does it look like I'm a doin'?"

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Missouri a bad name, makin' everybody think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your a**!"

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Oh the joys of getting old - One minute you're playing on your Wii and the next you're sitting in it

Good\clever one!

:roflmao:

Pebbly you get the Jewel Crown for this comment !!!..

 

[Britton30]

For the Lone Stars.

A new priest, born and raised in Texas , comes to serve in a city parish and is nervous

about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.


The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out

of the confessional for a few suggestions.


The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one

hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'


The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.


The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee
and saying, "No shit, what happened next?"

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Hahahaha.. good one.. Texas style.:roflmao:

 

[panais]

Hahahaha.. good one.. Texas style.:roflmao:

Yep,pray or else i'll use my 6 bullet.

 

[Everlong]

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

 

[A Guy]

Good one Harry

A Guy

 

[pebbly]

The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

"No way, no needles. I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.

"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection" the patient says. "I'm fine with pills"

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow", I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold onto
When I pull your tooth."

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Pebbly you get this naughty girls tag today.. lol
View attachment 202812
Go to the steps right now young lady !!!!!

 

[panais]

The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

"No way, no needles. I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.

"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection" the patient says. "I'm fine with pills"

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow", I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold onto
When I pull your tooth."

:roflmao: