Jokes Thread [3]

[pebbly]

A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'

The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'

 

[pebbly]

A man in Tesco's tries to buy half a cauliflower. The young produce
assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man
persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager
about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager 'Some prat out
there wants to buy half a cauliflower.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy
the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.



Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on
their feet here.

Where are you from, son?'

'Liverpool, sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Liverpool?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up
there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Liverpool.'

'You're kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who did she play for?'

 

[M1GU31]

The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

"No way, no needles. I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.

"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection" the patient says. "I'm fine with pills"

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow", I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold onto
When I pull your tooth."

:roflmao:

LMAO that one is good

 

[Hopalong X]

Britton30 emailed me this. I did not see it posted so here it is.


This says it all...about getting older & the whole aging thing.

An elderly couple are attending church services. About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It said, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

 

[The Howling Wolves]

This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said,
"Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare." So I explained to her that my dogs
are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging
clue who their Daddy's are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with
housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes
to qualify. My dogs get their first checks Friday.

Damn, this is a great country.

 

[A Guy]

Adam and Eve

God said, 'Adam, I want you to do something for me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a valley?'

God explained it to him. Then God said, 'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a river?'

God explained that to him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a hill?'

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, 'On the other side of the
hill you will find a cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained, He said, 'In the cave you will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do I do that?'

God first said (under His breath), 'Geez.....' And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God His patience wearing thin, said angrily, 'What is it now?'

And Adam said....


*

*

*

*


*

*

*

'What's a headache?'

A Guy

 

[profdlp]

AaaaaaaHaaaaaaaHaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!

:roflmao:

 

[pebbly]

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.'
He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says,
"Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS. "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping”.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals.
I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed.
He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10 ! ! ? … But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying b*****d. He's never been out of the garden."

 

[pebbly]

What do you call a computer that can sing ?

A Dell


I'll get my coat

 

[Hopalong X]

What do you call a computer that can sing ?

A Dell


I'll get my coat

 

[seavixen32]

What do you call a computer that can sing ?

A Dell


I'll get my coat

For anybody who doesn't know, Adele is a great singer with a powerful voice and for the record I think Pebbly's play on words was pretty good.

 

[A Guy]

What do you call a computer that can sing ?

A Dell


I'll get my coat

~Rimshot~ She'll be here all week folks...

A Guy

 

[profdlp]

What do you call a computer that can sing ?

A Dell


I'll get my coat

~Rimshot~ She'll be here all week folks...

A Guy

Not if she tells another joke like that... :sarc:

(I'm just sore because I didn't get it. Thanks for explaining it, seavixen32.)

 

[The Howling Wolves]

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

 

[seavixen32]

Reminds me of the two friends who met while out shopping.

"What are doing here?" asked one of the other.

"Getting a HD TV for the wife" came the reply.

"Not a bad swap" rejoined his friend.

 

[Joan Archer]

Shampoo Warning
I just discovered this important info - I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!
It's the shampoo I use in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body,
and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning:
"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY".
No wonder I have been gaining weight!!!
Well!
I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead.
Its label reads:
"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE".
Problem solved!
If I don't answer the phone... I'll be in the shower!

 

[MWRed]

Shampoo Warning
I just discovered this important info - I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!
It's the shampoo I use in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body,
and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning:
"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY".
No wonder I have been gaining weight!!!
Well!
I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead.
Its label reads:
"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE".
Problem solved!
If I don't answer the phone... I'll be in the shower!

Hahaha.

 

[seavixen32]

I was out shopping last week and saw that 'Wash & Go' shampoo was on offer so I bought some.

Yep, you've guessed it, I washed my hair and it went.

Now I'm as bald as a coot!!

 

[Hopalong X]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that day after school.

The son says, "I did some homework."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching a movie."

Dad asks, "what movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!"

The robot slaps the dad.

Mom laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son!"

The robot slaps the mom ..... :devil:

 

[Britton30]

I believe we’ve all experienced these at one time or another.







1. Law of Mechanical Repair -
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity -
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers -
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi -
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law -
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath -
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result -
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics -
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena -
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are also the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law -
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers -
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument -
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance -
If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

17. Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking -
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors’ Law -
If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.