Jokes Thread [3]

[seavixen32]

Agree with the lot - I'm old enough to have all of them happen to me.

 

[seavixen32]

The Irish Bingo Caller


Paddy lost his job on a building site and went to the job centre to see what was going.


The first card he read was asking for a bingo caller so he thought he'd have a crack at it.


"Have you had any experience?" asked the bingo hall manager.


"No," replied Paddy, "but I'm a quick learner."


"It's quite simple," said the manager. "Here, I'll give you a demonstration. Six and six, all the sixes, clickety-click. Two and two, all the twos, two little ducks."


"Oi, that's easy," replied Paddy. "Let me show show you. Six and six, all the sixes, clickety-click. Two and two, all the twos, two little ducks. Six and two, sixty-two, clickety-duck!"

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department..............
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect ..'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble?'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type..'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator?'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Opera tor: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall..
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? '
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer..'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No...'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't..'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!'

 

[A Guy]

Lol, that's a oldie, not apparently true, but a good read none the less

A Guy

 

[Maguscreed]

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds..
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car..

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it?

'Heavens no, we bought it.'

'Then why don't you drive it away.'

We can't drive.'

Then why did you buy it?'


'We were told that if we bought a Used car here
We'd get screwed ......so we're just waiting.

 

[seavixen32]

^^^^

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist asked, "Yes Sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that!"

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused embarrassment in front of the other patients in the waiting room. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people personal questions, if the answer could embarrass anyone".

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had obviously taken her advice. "And what's wrong with your ear Sir?"

"I can't pee out of it."

 

[seavixen32]

A wife texted her husband: "windows freezing."

Husband texted back: "use a bucket of warm water then."

Wife texted in return: " Well, that's the computer f****d!"

 

[The Howling Wolves]

A wife texted her husband: "windows freezing."

Husband texted back: "use a bucket of warm water then."

Wife texted in return: " Well, that's the computer f****d!"

At least he got his Windows cleaned!:shock:

 

[Joan Archer]

:roflmao:

 

[seavixen32]

On the other hand, it could be curtains for Windows................I'll get my coat.

 

[profdlp]

NOT a joke:

[NOW AVAILABLE] TigerDirect.com - INTRODUCING THE WORLD'S FIRST HOME MINI-NUCLEAR GENERATOR

I swear.

 

[Maguscreed]

NOT a joke:

[NOW AVAILABLE] TigerDirect.com - INTRODUCING THE WORLD'S FIRST HOME MINI-NUCLEAR GENERATOR

I swear.

hello, april 1st.
geez.

 

[A Guy]

1.21 Jiggawatts? A Guy

 

[profdlp]

1.21 Jiggawatts? A Guy

And that's before you overclock it!

 

[A Guy]

Where is the show us your reactor thread?

A Guy

 

[Hopalong X]

NOT a joke:

[NOW AVAILABLE] TigerDirect.com - INTRODUCING THE WORLD'S FIRST HOME MINI-NUCLEAR GENERATOR

I swear.

BORG technology. That is exactly what I figured before I clicked the link.

"I dare you to come one step closer."

 

[The Howling Wolves]

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an
Australian.

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and
children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This
is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster
and
General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his
military Headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young
boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:!
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be
teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline
before they even touch a firearm.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one,
are you?




The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the
interview was over.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Cardiologist and Motor Mechanic

A motor mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a BMW M3 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the BMW.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is that I make $40,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.....



"Try doing it with the engine running."

 

[Dwarf]

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.....



"Try doing it with the engine running."

Good one.

 

[XxBRADxX]

What do you feed a gay horse?

Haaaaay!