Jokes Thread [3]

[The Howling Wolves]

Californians

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this:

You know you're from California if...

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 a year and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5.. You can't remember . . . is pot legal or illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . . is pot legal or illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike anywhere else in the world, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13 You can't remember . . . is pot legal or illegal?

14 It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: 'STORM WATCH.'

15 You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.

16 It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17 HEY!!!! Is pot legal or illegal????

18 Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator was your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're in the United States illegally, they give you one ...

 

[BrightBlessings]

In the north of Australia is a place called Queensland which is very hot, humid and the pubs are rough. This posh pommie (English) bloke is travelling through Queensland in the middle of summer by bicycle and is caught in a huge tropical storm. He sees a sign which says there is a pub 18 miles up the road. So he rides his bike to the pub and when he finally gets there, his appearance resembles that of a drowned rat.
Anyway, the locals hardly even look up from their beers as he walks in, dripping wet, heads up to the bar and orders a scotch on ice. The barman gives him the worst scotch he has ever tasted but the pommie drinks it down and asks the barman where the dunny (toilet) is. The barman tells him it is outside.
So the pommie trudges outside into the rain and all he can see in the rain is two big piles of poo, one much bigger than the other. So the pommie walks over to the smaller pile, relieved that someone had the sense to start a new pile since the larger one was clearly unmanageable. He has his pants around his ankles and is in the process of relieving himself when a gunshot rings out and a bullet smacks into the heap just beside his head.
Well the poor pommie turns around, in a somewhat vulnerable position, and sees this huge Aussie guy standing at the door of the pub with his still smoking gun in his hand.
"What...What's going on?" stammers the poor pommie.
The huge Aussie responds, "You bloody *******; get the hell out of "the Ladies'!"

 

[BlackSparrow]

Oh dear god, poor posh pommy boy...

 

[Trucidation]

lol, ok that was gross

You know you're from California if...

19. The Terminator was your governor.

I don't know how much you guys (still) like him, but I really, really enjoyed young Ahnold in Conan The Barbarian. Really.

With that embarrassing admission out of the way...

Marathon
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets "It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" She replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems."

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window. As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.

So he started running along beside the others despite being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, trying to blend in as best he could.

After a little while, a small group of runners who had been studying him with some curiosity jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Only if it's raining."

 

[A Guy]

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a
show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts
going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and
starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What
makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What
does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human
being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at
work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as
people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are
dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against
not only blondes, but women in general pathetically all in the name of
humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little chap on your lap."

:roflmao:

Californians

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this:

You know you're from California if...

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 a year and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5.. You can't remember . . . is pot legal or illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . . is pot legal or illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike anywhere else in the world, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13 You can't remember . . . is pot legal or illegal?

14 It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: 'STORM WATCH.'

15 You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.

16 It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17 HEY!!!! Is pot legal or illegal????

18 Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator was your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're in the United States illegally, they give you one ...

Funnier if it wasn't so true!

A Guy

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Quote of the Day from Larry the Cable Guy
Larry

"Even after the New Orleans Saints' Super Bowl victory, I have noticed a large number of people, implying with bad jokes and anecdotes, that Louisiana Cajuns ain't smart.
I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment. Anybody who would build a city five feet below sea level, in a hurricane zone, and fill it with Democrats who can't swim is a damn genius!"
Go ahead , it's funny no matter your choice of party. LOL.

 

[Trucidation]

Did you hear about the corduroy pillow? It made headlines.

/deadpan

 

[Borg 386]

An old lady is walking down the road with two large sacks. One of them has a hole in the back & occasionally a $20 bill falls out. A policeman, seeing this, scoops up the money & says "Are you aware that you're dropping money out of your sack mam?"

"Thank you sonny..." Says the old lady

"If you don't mind my asking..." says the Policeman "Where did you get all this money?"

The old lady say "Well, you see, I live right next to the ball park. Some of these guys, while waiting in line like to take a quick leak, so they stick it through the knotholes in my fence. It was starting to kill my roses, so when I know there's a going to be a game, I wait out there & when they stick it though, I put my pruning shears on it & I say "Throw $20 over the fence or I whack it off!""

The Policeman starts laughing hysterically & when he's done, he says "Well, it's sounds like you have a good thing going there & I certainly can't blame you for doing that. There must be a lot of people doing that, being you've got two sacks full of money."

The old lady say's "Oh, the other sacks not full of money. You see, not all of 'em pays up...."

 

[Layback Bear]

Very true

Quote of the Day from Larry the Cable Guy
Larry

"Even after the New Orleans Saints' Super Bowl victory, I have noticed a large number of people, implying with bad jokes and anecdotes, that Louisiana Cajuns ain't smart.
I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment. Anybody who would build a city five feet below sea level, in a hurricane zone, and fill it with Democrats who can't swim is a damn genius!"
Go ahead , it's funny no matter your choice of party. LOL.

Their still trying to find that tool that checks the sea to make sure it's level. The sea might need adjusted.

 

[Hopalong X]

Their still trying to find that tool that checks the sea to make sure it's level. The sea might need adjusted.

BP oil company borrowed the level checker a couple of years ago.
Something about it disappearing on an oil rig... or was it with the oil rig? :shock:

 

[Phone Man]

Kari got a new iPad.

So papa, how do you like the iPad we got you? - Snotr

Jim

 

[Phone Man]

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.

She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'

He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.

I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'

She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'

Jim

 

[Trucidation]

...what.

 

[Wandering one]

Two drops please

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says,"I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue

Cut&paste from an RV forum Art.

 

[A Guy]

http://www.sevenforums.com/chillout-room/191540-jokes-thread-3-a.html

A Guy

 

[Hopalong X]

Almost as poetic as Romeo and Juliet.

 

[BlackSparrow]

Heart touching and sort of brings a tear to your eye...
---
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
---
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

 

[beauparc]

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?' '
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it
under your Robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

Found on another forum

 

[beauparc]

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and e-mails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse."



Is everybody clear on that?

 

[Hopalong X]

Is everybody clear on that?

5% of us are clear.

25%- Clear on what?

25%- Who is Uncle Jack?

25%- My uncle has a horse named Jack?

20%- Someone fell off a horse?