Jokes Thread [3]

[pebbly]

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Johnny said: 'Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs up in the air and she was saying:
'Oh God! I'm coming!'
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her."

 

[The Howling Wolves]

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]I forgot my glasses.[/FONT]














[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. [/FONT]







[FONT=&quot]Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. [/FONT]







[FONT=&quot]She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. [/FONT]






[FONT=&quot]I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. [/FONT]





[FONT=&quot]I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 72 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. [/FONT]





[FONT=&quot]She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! [/FONT]





[FONT=&quot]This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." "I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her. [/FONT]





[FONT=&quot]She fainted. [/FONT]





[FONT=&quot]Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.[/FONT]

 

[Imperfect1]

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
.

NOT funny, aninabbas!!!! Really sad!

 

[pebbly]

The largest condom factory in the States burned down. President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."

Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico .."

Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK ?"
Obama: "Okay, I'll call Cameron and tell him we need fifty million condoms, ten inches long and three inches wide. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."

Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches wide, exactly as requested... all coloured with Union Jacks with small writing on each one:

MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL

 

[Layback Bear]

Made in england - size: Small

In the U.S.A. we just call them Ticklers.

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

Here in the US, those are just training condoms.

 

[Layback Bear]

Yes they are for training. You can by them at Toys R Us. I hear tell.

 

[richnrockville]

Dodging and ducking from the blondes but this was received from a blonde.

1. Why don't blondes eat pickles? They get their heads stuck in the jars.
2. How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? One, and the world revolves around her.
3. How do you keep a blonde busy for a week? Give her a package of M & M's & have her put them in alphabetical order.
4. What does TGIF on a blonde's shoes stand for? Toes go in front.
5. How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle? Shine a flashlight in her ear.
6. What do you call nine blondes standing in a straight line? A wind tunnel.
7. What does a blonde do first thing in the morning? Goes home.
8. Why are blondes not allowed to take coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.
9. Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory? She threw out all the "W's".
10. How do you get a blonde to laugh on Friday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
11. How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? Five. Four to mix the batter, and one to peel the M & M's.

 

[indianacarnie]

A hot air balloonist had drifted off course. He saw a man on the ground and yelled,"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" "Yes", the man said. "You're in a balloon". "You must work in I.T.", the balloonist said. "How did you know that?" "What you told me was technically correct, but of no use to anyone." "And YOU must be in management", the man on the ground retorted. "Yes indeed." "Figures.You don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to help.And you're in the same position before we met, but now its MY fault"!

 

[A Guy]

Dodging and ducking from the blondes but this was received from a blonde.

1. Why don't blondes eat pickles? They get their heads stuck in the jars.
2. How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? One, and the world revolves around her.
3. How do you keep a blonde busy for a week? Give her a package of M & M's & have her put them in alphabetical order.
4. What does TGIF on a blonde's shoes stand for? Toes go in front.
5. How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle? Shine a flashlight in her ear.
6. What do you call nine blondes standing in a straight line? A wind tunnel.
7. What does a blonde do first thing in the morning? Goes home.
8. Why are blondes not allowed to take coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.
9. Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory? She threw out all the "W's".
10. How do you get a blonde to laugh on Friday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
11. How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? Five. Four to mix the batter, and one to peel the M & M's.

Good ones Rich

A Guy

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

A hot air balloonist had drifted off course. He saw a man on the ground and yelled,"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" "Yes", the man said. "You're in a balloon". "You must work in I.T.", the balloonist said. "How did you know that?" "What you told me was technically correct, but of no use to anyone." "And YOU must be in management", the man on the ground retorted. "Yes indeed." "Figures.You don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to help.And you're in the same position before we met, but now its MY fault"!

That's funny because it's true.

 

[pebbly]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne,too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.

 

[richnrockville]

And I like Peanut Butter..

We recently invested $2500 on a young Black Angus bull.They put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that's possible with a bull. Anyhow, the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

Holy crap. The bull started to service the cows within two days. Every cow! He even broke through the fence and bred all theneighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"

I don't know what in heck was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they kinda taste like peanut butter..

Rich

 

[Layback Bear]

A young woman gave birth to a baby boy. Health 7 pounds. The doctor came in for a little chat and things were going good.

The doctor wanted to know who to register as the father, so started asking questions.

The young woman replied she was not sure. Well the doctor said, lets see if I can help.
The baby has curly kinky hair, blue eyes,a tan yellow skin color. What nationality was the father.

The young woman replied; well I don't really know but just answer me one question doctor.


Does my new baby bark or wimpper like a puppy.

 

[pebbly]

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember which I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are four stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly, Try Weakly and Try.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

14. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

15. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

16. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

 

[Britton30]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.





WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet ,I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

 

[indianacarnie]

:roflmao:

 

[Borg 386]

A cop is sitting outside a bar around 2AM waiting to catch someone.

A man comes out of the bar, staggering his way towards his car. He can barely walk & the cop focuses on him. Other patrons start to come out & leave, but the cop continues to watch the man as he fumbles with his keys, dropping them twice as he tries to open the car.

The lot is now empty & the man finally gets into his car, starts the engine and the cop zooms in behind him.

The cop administers a breathalyzer test...and there is no trace of alcohol. He administers it again...no trace of alcohol in his system. He asks the man to perform some sobriety tests...which he does perfectly.

The cop looks at him in confusion...and the man says:

"That's right...I was the designated decoy"

 

[BlackSparrow]

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember which I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are four stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly, Try Weakly and Try.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

14. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

15. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

16. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

:roflmao: Are you getting a more dirtier mind Miss Pebbly?

 

[BrightBlessings]

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you get to have a brief audience with God." So St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "OK, so you were the one who made the motorcycles, eh?
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me."
God commented, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes, that would be me."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion; it chatters constantly at high speeds; most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much; the intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; and the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God. "Hold on." God went to his Celestial Supercomputer, typed in a few words, and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur. "But according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."