Jokes Thread [3]

[BlackSparrow]

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you get to have a brief audience with God." So St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "OK, so you were the one who made the motorcycles, eh?
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me."
God commented, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes, that would be me."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion; it chatters constantly at high speeds; most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much; the intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; and the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God. "Hold on." God went to his Celestial Supercomputer, typed in a few words, and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur. "But according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

:roflmao: oh god xD

 

[Britton30]

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.









MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wifeLinda listened to the instructor,

'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'

He addressed the man,

'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you get to have a brief audience with God." So St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "OK, so you were the one who made the motorcycles, eh?
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me."
God commented, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes, that would be me."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion; it chatters constantly at high speeds; most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much; the intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; and the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God. "Hold on." God went to his Celestial Supercomputer, typed in a few words, and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur. "But according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

:roflmao: oh god xD

Was that a pun?

 

[BlackSparrow]

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you get to have a brief audience with God." So St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "OK, so you were the one who made the motorcycles, eh?
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me."
God commented, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes, that would be me."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion; it chatters constantly at high speeds; most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much; the intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; and the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God. "Hold on." God went to his Celestial Supercomputer, typed in a few words, and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur. "But according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

:roflmao: oh god xD

Was that a pun?

Don't think so, I rarely ever do pun's Lady Fitzgerald. But if it was, then i never noticed it until you asked.

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

:roflmao: oh god xD

Was that a pun?

Don't think so, I rarely ever do pun's Lady Fitzgerald. But if it was, then i never noticed it until you asked.

Don't feel bad; I'm always catching people making unintentional puns.

 

[Joan Archer]

A friend from Texas just sent me this one.



Siamese twins walk into a bar in Toronto. They place two bar
stools side by side and park themselves on the stools.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; as you
can see, we're joined side by side at the hip. I知 John, he's
Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make
polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday
yet, boys"?

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England
every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?"

Jim nods his head in agreement.

"Ah, England !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country...
the history, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John.
"Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't
stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England ?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."








​

​

​

 

[richnrockville]

The Blonde After Surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient -- a pretty blonde -- after an operation. "You'll be fine," he said after checking her out.

"Doctor? I have kind of a personal question," she said.

"Certainly -- doctors are trained to be discreet. What's your question?"

"Well," she asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

"Well yes, you'll be fine!" he replied. "It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."


Rich

 

[BlackSparrow]

Was that a pun?

Don't think so, I rarely ever do pun's Lady Fitzgerald. But if it was, then i never noticed it until you asked.

Don't feel bad; I'm always catching people making unintentional puns.

One of your many perks eh?

 

[BrightBlessings]

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week.


One Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"


"Why yes, that would be nice", the lady responded. Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck.


On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"


"Oh, no," said the fine example of southern womanhood, "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"


Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?"


"Oh my goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did !"


Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh ... mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?"


"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.


The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast u-turn right then and there, and drove back to the motel and checked in !
The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible love making imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darlin lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, What the hell have I done?


He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, what ever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"


The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them, you don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time.."

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

Don't think so, I rarely ever do pun's Lady Fitzgerald. But if it was, then i never noticed it until you asked.

Don't feel bad; I'm always catching people making unintentional puns.

One of your many perks eh?

Oh yeah, I'm quite perky.

 

[pebbly]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

 

[Phone Man]

A very rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sports car.
She drives the car perfectly well during the day,
but at night, the car just won't go at all.
After trying to drive the car at night for a
week (but without any luck), she furiously
calls the Jaguar dealer, and they send out a
technician to her.
The technician examines the car and finds
nothing wrong with it.
So he turns to the blonde and asks:
"Ma'am, are you sure you are using the
right gears?"

Full of anger, the blonde replies:

"You nut, you idiot, how on earth you could ask
such a question? I'm not stupid you know!
Of course I am using the right gears;

I use "D" during the day

and "N" at night."

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Ha aha... 'phone man... a good one

 

[BlackSparrow]

Boy, if you don't shut up I'm gonna slap you so hard Google ain't gonna be able to find you!

 

[indianacarnie]

:roflmao:

 

[BlackSparrow]

What happened to the boy who drank 8 cokes? He burped 7-Up.

Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one.

 

[richnrockville]

Rich

 

[Gary]

HELL EXPLAINED By a Chemistry Student

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. True,
or not, it's funny as hell (no pun intended)!

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared
it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now
have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can
safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering
Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world
today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as
they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and
pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,'
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then
number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic
and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct.........leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of
a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting
'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

 

[richnrockville]

Gary, loved that one..

rich

 

[whs]

Helpful Spouse​

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."​

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it".​

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really screwed up now."​