Jokes Thread [3]

[COMPUTIAC]

Budget Meeting


A couple realize they are spending too much and decide to go through the bills together.


"Look at this", demands the wife, “$60 on beer.”


Husband replies, "Well, what about this? $50 on makeup?"


The wife looks at him with a smile and says, "Darling I have to have the make up so I can look young and attractive for you."


The husband shouts back, "That's what the beer was for!"

 

[Dinesh]

Budget Meeting


A couple realize they are spending too much and decide to go through the bills together.


"Look at this", demands the wife, “$60 on beer.”


Husband replies, "Well, what about this? $50 on makeup?"


The wife looks at him with a smile and says, "Darling I have to have the make up so I can look young and attractive for you."

The husband shouts back, "That's what the beer was for!"

:haha:

 

[Phone Man]

Budget Meeting


A couple realize they are spending too much and decide to go through the bills together.


"Look at this", demands the wife, “$60 on beer.”


Husband replies, "Well, what about this? $50 on makeup?"


The wife looks at him with a smile and says, "Darling I have to have the make up so I can look young and attractive for you."


The husband shouts back, "That's what the beer was for!"

The meeting was adjoined when the ambulance arrived.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

This may be a re-run...still quite cute.
FORGOT MY GLASSES ....



Yesterday, my daughter again asked me why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation. She said that she was "only thinking about me", and suggested that I go down to the senior center, and hang out with the other old men. I did this.



When I got home last night,I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said, "Are you nuts? You're nearly 70 years old, and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even had a membership card. She looked at it and said, "Good grief Dad, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." I told her, "Then I'm in real trouble because I've signed up for five jumps a week". She fainted.



Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can really be fun!

 

[A Guy]

It's just dawned on me !!

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.

For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick .......

I think he must be a member of Congress!!!

A Guy

 

[jdXp610]

This may be a re-run...still quite cute.
FORGOT MY GLASSES ....



Yesterday, my daughter again asked me why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation. She said that she was "only thinking about me", and suggested that I go down to the senior center, and hang out with the other old men. I did this.



When I got home last night,I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said, "Are you nuts? You're nearly 70 years old, and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even had a membership card. She looked at it and said, "Good grief Dad, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." I told her, "Then I'm in real trouble because I've signed up for five jumps a week". She fainted.



Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can really be fun!

So I am retiring before the end of the year, the the question I am asked most by the folks at work is "what will you do with all of your time?"

The next person who asks is in for a shock lol

 

[Borg 386]

Male Logic

Woman: How many beers do you drink a day?

Man: Usually about 3.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 including a tip.

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your
spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately
$5400.

Man: Correct.

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the
past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money
could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after
accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have
now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: Where’s your Ferrari?

​

 

[COMPUTIAC]

Bad Dream


A couple was in bed one night and the woman woke up from a bad dream. She was scared and panicking.


Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her. He asked what was wrong.


She said "I had a dream that I died and you got remarried. If I died tomorrow would you get remarried?"


He said, "Sure, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life lonely.”


She asked, "Well would you two live in this house?"


He replied "Sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage.


"Well, would she sleep in this bed?"


He thought a while and said "Yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive, there's no reason to rid of it.”


She asked irately, "Well, would she use my golf clubs?"


He replied with a straight, serious face "No. She's left handed."


(oops)

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each
month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have
been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No.

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?

 

[Kari]

Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes
...
...

My dear Lady, although a good joke deserves reposting every now and then, too soon is always too soon. Your joke was posted here only two posts before yours.

 

[jdXp610]

Male Logic

Woman: How many beers do you drink a day?

Man: Usually about 3.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 including a tip.

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your
spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately
$5400.

Man: Correct.

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the
past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money
could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after
accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have
now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: Where’s your Ferrari?

​

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Waiting
One Of The Funniest Comedy Sketches Of All Time - YouTube

 

[Anak]

The custom in these parts is to mail the Summer taxes the week of July 4th.
I'll be going up in a few hours to pay them, and was reminded of a short story, you can replace the President with your favorite Representative.


Post Turtle:

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 70-year-old Texas rancher (whose hand had caught in a gate while working cattle), a doctor and the old man were talking about the President being in the White House.

The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, the President is a 'post turtle'."

Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.

The old man said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor stupid guy get down."



I know I'll be poorer in a few hours, but wiser?

 

[BrightBlessings]

Waiting
One Of The Funniest Comedy Sketches Of All Time - YouTube

I really liked the Dave Allen show. He was a very funny man indeed.

 

[Layback Bear]

Anak Thank you for the Post Turtle.

 

[Anak]

Your welcome Layback Bear, my pleasure.

 

[Britton30]

​

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

 

[Layback Bear]

Britton30 that makes more sense to me the more I drink. It must be true.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

The more I drink the prettier Gary begins to look.
Probably take another keg for me to get the courage up to ask him out for a date! (d)(d):roflmao::roflmao:

Your old bud,
THW

 

[BrightBlessings]

two stuffed dogs ...

Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Road show'.

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists, who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"Sticks?" Paddy replied.