Jokes Thread [3]

[LADYPINKtomato1]

.......Chicken Surprise ...
I hope this hasn't been posted back earlier

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the “Chicken Surprise”... the waiter brings the
meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.


Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little
eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.


“Good grief, did you see that?” she asks her husband. He hadn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.


“Please sir,” says the waiter, “what you order?”


The husband replies, “Chicken Surprise”.


(You’re going to love this, and you’re going to hate yourself for loving it!...)



“Ah! So Solly,”says the waiter,“I bring you Peeking Duck .”



(SOMETIMES I PRETEND TO BE NORMAL

But it gets boring, so I go back to being me!)

 

[jdXp610]

.......Chicken Surprise ...
I hope this hasn't been posted back earlier

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the “Chicken Surprise”... the waiter brings the
meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.


Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little
eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.


“Good grief, did you see that?” she asks her husband. He hadn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.


“Please sir,” says the waiter, “what you order?”


The husband replies, “Chicken Surprise”.


(You’re going to love this, and you’re going to hate yourself for loving it!...)



“Ah! So Solly,”says the waiter,“I bring you Peeking Duck .”



(SOMETIMES I PRETEND TO BE NORMAL

But it gets boring, so I go back to being me!)

Awesome Lady :roflmao:

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

~~ Two Farmers ~~ College Classes


Two farmers, Jim and Mick, are sitting at their favourite bar, drinking whiskey.

Jim turns to Mick and says, "you know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes."

Mick thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes; Maths , English, Irish and Logic.

..."logic?" Jim says. "Whats that?"

The dean says "I'll give you an example. Do you own a lawnmower?"

"Yeah" said Jim.

"then logically speaking , because you own a lawnmower, I think that you would have a yard."

"Thats true, I do have a Yard"

"I'm not done" said the Dean. "because you have a yard , I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes I do have a house."

"And because you have a house , I think that you might logically have a family."

"Yes, I have a Family."

"Im not done yet, Because you have a family, then you must have a wife and because you have a wife , then logic tells me you must be heterosexual."

"Iam a heterosexual. Thats amazing, you were able to find out all that because I own a lawnmower."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Deans hand and leaves to go meet Mick at the bar . He tells him about how he is signed up for Maths, English, Irish and Logic.

"logic?" said Mick. "whats that?"

Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a lawnmower?"

"No."

"Then your a queer"

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Purchased vs. Homemade

View attachment 275856




Six year old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first family planning lesson at school.





Her mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go?"



"I nearly died of shame!" she answers. "Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."





Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed."



"No, but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"

 

[A Guy]

Probably a repeat here, and probably familiar to many, but...

The Pope is walking around the Vatican, Poping about, doing whatever a Pope does in his spare time. Suddenly, he feels a tugging at his leg above the knee and he turns around.

Standing behind him is Dopey of the Seven Dwarfs. The other 6 Dwarfs are standing behind him with slight grins on their faces and they're all on vacation.

Dopey looks a bit nervous and so The Pope decides to try to reassure him.

"Yes, my son? What can I do for you? Do you need guidance of some sort?

"Mr. Pope!" Dopey exclaims. "Are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?"

The Pope looks down at him sadly and says, "I'm sorry my son but there are no dwraf nuns in Italy."

Dopey starts to sweat and the other Dwarfs chuckle to themselves.

"Mr. Pope, Mr. Pope!"

"Yes, my son?"

"Are there any dwarf nuns...in Europe?"

The Pope is starting to wonder what's wrong with the poor wee fellow but he simply says "No my son, I'm sorry to say there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

Dopey is starting to tremble and the other Dwarfs are smirking behind him.

"Mr. Pope, Mr. Pope, Mr. POPE!"

"Yes, my son?"

"Are there ANY dwarf nuns...ANYWHERE in the WORLD?"

The Pope sighs and says "I'm truly sorry, my son but there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

Dopey starts crying and the other Dwarfs begin laughing out loud, slapping their bellies with tears rolling down their cheeks.

The pope sees this and admonishes them, "Now what is the meaning of this? This poor young man has come to me seeking his own form of spiritual guidance and all you can do is mock him? Explain yourselves at once!"

Finally, Grumpy pulls himself together long enough to exclaim in a sing-song voice, "Do-pey screw-ed a pen-guin! Do-pey screw-ed a pen-guin!"

A Guy

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Man's Age, as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot

You are in the middle of a few projects at your home: putting in a new fence, painting the basement walls, putting in a new garden. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of these projects you realize you need to run to Home Depot for supplies.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20s:
Stop what you are doing Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line.

And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else.
Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.

The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute is almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.

The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's spicy.

In your 50s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.

The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember -- the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms '

In your 60s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.

The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.

In your 70s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.

The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize something is hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead.
You went to school with the old lady greeter.

You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you f**t out loud and think someone called your name.

In your 90s & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you? Who f**ted?

 

[Phone Man]

Enjoy,
Jim

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Good one PM.. hope you have a great day.

 

[COMPUTIAC]

True Story


Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."


Customer: "Ok."


Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."


Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"


Customer: "No."


Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"


Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

True Story


Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."


Customer: "Ok."


Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."


Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"


Customer: "No."


Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"


Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

Rant alert:

I overheard an otherwise worthless boss give out some advice I have found extremely useful over the years. When writing something, assume the person to be reading it is a total idiot (his words, not mine). A pet peeve of mine on some forums (fortunately, rarely here) is people trying to help someone assume the person being helped (usually me) already has a certain level of knowledge and will leave out or gloss over certain key points of information. I remember being sent to a computer class at work when the company was switching from main frame dumb terminals to PCs in the department I worked in at the same time the company was switching from NT to XP. About half of us in the class, including me, had never had any experience with computers other than the dumb terminals (although I did have a Commodore 64). About fifteen minutes into the four hour class, I finally raised my hand and said I was totally lost. The instructor asked, in an annoyed tone, what did I not understand? I told her she lost me when she said to left click on something (I, along with half the class, had never used a mouse before). The instructor started griping that we were supposed to have a basic knowledge of computers so why were we there. I replied that our management sent us there. That got her down from her high horse somewhat although we drove her nuts because she had trouble comprehending we didn't know as much as she felt we should.

At least the tech in this probably apocryphal story had the good sense to back up and ask exactly what the customer had been doing. Most Tech Support Agents I've dealt with aren't that bright.

Rant over. You are now being returned to your regularly scheduled, frivolous but funny thread.

 

[DocBrown]

Husband and wife in bed.

Wife asks "Honey, do I do anthing that pleases you?"

Husband responds, "Why yes, that thing you do with your mouth!"

Wife says, "Oh, and what is that?"

Husband answers,
>
>

>

"you close it when you fall asleep"


:roflmao:

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

Husband and wife in bed.

Wife asks "Honey, do I do anthing that pleases you?"

Husband responds, "Why yes, that thing you do with your mouth!"

Wife says, "Oh, and what is that?"

Husband answers,
>
>

>

"you close it when you fall asleep"


:roflmao:

And then the fight started...

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

And the fight lasted and lasted.. women NEVER seem to forget much of anything.
Better yet.. they need to learn what's important when picking a fight.

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

And the fight lasted and lasted.. women NEVER seem to forget much of anything.
Better yet.. they need to learn what's important when picking a fight.

Traitor!

 

[COMPUTIAC]

Why pick a fight ?
Wouldn't life be much easier ?

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

Umm...this is the Jokes thread. We're jokin'. Notice the winking smilies?

Btw, a common kind of joke presents the scenario where someone does something funny to someone else, such as a husband zinging his wife, as in LPT's joke, and the standard punch line is, "And then the fight started." or something similar.

 

[Phone Man]

Women always get the last word in an argument.
Anything a man says after that is a new argument.

Jim

 

[thudpucker]

Be careful what you buy on Ebay.
A guy paid $60 for a Penis Enlarger.
He got a Magnifying glass and instructions saying: "Do not use in bright sunlight!"

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

A Touching Story on How Men Think...



As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?


You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."

A friend sent this to me...

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

And the fight lasted and lasted.. women NEVER seem to forget much of anything.
Better yet.. they need to learn what's important when picking a fight.

Traitor!

the DEVIL made me do it !!!!