Jokes Thread [3]

[Layback Bear]

A Touching Story on How Men Think...

View attachment 277016

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?


You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."

A friend sent this to me...

Great joke. Thank your friend for me.

 

[Layback Bear]

Wifes birthday coming soon and she wants to know what her loving husband was going to get her. She starting asking for hints about the gift.

He finally gave up and gave some hints.
1. It's long but not to long.
2. One end is nicely rounded but not to round.
3. The other end is a little bushy but not to bushy.
She is having nice thoughts of here upcoming birthday. She wants more hints.
4. It will be for your use only; no other woman will be granted permission to use it.
She is thinking what a loving and faithful husband.
5. You will use this everyday and sometime more than once a day.
She thinking the blue pills are working.
With her eyes closed on her birthday her loving husband hands her a broom.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Marriage..

Two men, one American and a Hindu Indian were sitting in a bar and
discussing about their family problems. Shot after shot. The Indian man
said to the American: "We have problem in India . We can't marry the
one whom we love. You know my parents are forcing me to get married to
this so called homely and domesticated girl from a village whom I
haven't even met once. We call this an arranged marriage. I don't want to

marry a woman whom I don't love. I told my parents that openly and
now have a hell of a lot of family problems."


The American said: "Talking about love marriages, in America we can
marry the one we love. Let me tell you my story. I married a widow whom I
deeply loved and dated her for three years. After a couple of years,
my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my
father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.
Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife is my grandmother. More
problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and
so he is my uncle. The situation turned worse when my father had a son.
Now my father's son, my brother, is my grandson. Ultimately, I have
become my own grandfather and I am my own grandson.


And you say you have family problems?"



The Indian fainted.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Marriage..

Two men, one American and a Hindu Indian were sitting in a bar and
discussing about their family problems. Shot after shot. The Indian man
said to the American: "We have problem in India . We can't marry the
one whom we love. You know my parents are forcing me to get married to
this so called homely and domesticated girl from a village whom I
haven't even met once. We call this an arranged marriage. I don't want to

marry a woman whom I don't love. I told my parents that openly and
now have a hell of a lot of family problems."


The American said: "Talking about love marriages, in America we can
marry the one we love. Let me tell you my story. I married a widow whom I
deeply loved and dated her for three years. After a couple of years,
my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my
father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.
Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife is my grandmother. More
problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and
so he is my uncle. The situation turned worse when my father had a son.
Now my father's son, my brother, is my grandson. Ultimately, I have
become my own grandfather and I am my own grandson.


And you say you have family problems?"



The Indian fainted.

Lady Pink,
So that makes you and I brother and sister or are you my mother's uncle sister?
I know we are related in some fashion as I keep getting your Playboy magazines with my name on the mailing sticker.(d)(d):roflmao::roflmao:

 

[lindamartin123]

Marriage..

Two men, one American and a Hindu Indian were sitting in a bar and
discussing about their family problems. Shot after shot. The Indian man
said to the American: "We have problem in India . We can't marry the
one whom we love. You know my parents are forcing me to get married to
this so called homely and domesticated girl from a village whom I
haven't even met once. We call this an arranged marriage. I don't want to

marry a woman whom I don't love. I told my parents that openly and
now have a hell of a lot of family problems."


The American said: "Talking about love marriages, in America we can
marry the one we love. Let me tell you my story. I married a widow whom I
deeply loved and dated her for three years. After a couple of years,
my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my
father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.
Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife is my grandmother. More
problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and
so he is my uncle. The situation turned worse when my father had a son.
Now my father's son, my brother, is my grandson. Ultimately, I have
become my own grandfather and I am my own grandson.


And you say you have family problems?"



The Indian fainted.

haha, this has made my day A big nice one, so Indians doesn't have that many problems as we do, eye-opener

 

[thudpucker]

Woman sues hospital for husband’s lack of sex drive.

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her​

husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied,

"Mr. Maynard was actually admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight."​

 

[Britton30]

 

[Kari]

   Note

What follows is a rant, a complaint against strict policy of GEMA, the local German copyright organization. Individual members of the Seven Forums mentioned in this post are not guilty of anything, it is not their fault I am not able to see the content they post. This rant is not in any way intended against these dear virtual friends of mine.

I think I have more experience in using the Internet in different foreign countries than an average net user, I use Internet quite regularly around the Europe.

Be it The Netherlands, or my native Finland or Italy or UK or whatever, I am normally able to see any content I want to. But back home in Germany, whenever for instance a YouTube video contains some music, I can be fairly sure I will not be able to see it, at least not without some proxy circus.

Bill (A Guy) is leading my "Videos posted on SF & EF I will not see" statistics as I am able to see maybe one out of ten videos he posts, now you Britton are moving upwards in the ranking.

I can understand copyright laws, myself being an anti piracy advocate. However, I cannot understand why these copyright organizations follow the rules so differently in every country. I can be close to Dutch border, trying to see a video, being not able to it using the hotel WiFi, so I switch to my mobile modem and manually select roaming using a Dutch carrier across the nearby border instead of local German carrier and voilá, I can see the video.

Irritating.

​

 

[Borg 386]

In the middle of a city park, two statues sat across from each other. It appeared that they were eternally looking into each others eyes and even their hands seemed to reach out for the loving embrace of one another.

One evening an angel appeared before them and with the wave of her hand granted them life. She told them: "I have seen you for many years, yearning to be together. Although I cannot grant you permanent life, I will give you life for one hour to do as you please."

The two statues giggled as they held each other and ran off into the bushes. There was much laughing and giggling. They emerged half an hour later and their faces were filled with smiles as they held each other.

The angel looked at them and said: "I'm glad you are happy, but do you know you have half an hour left?" The two statues smiled and once again ran off into the bushes.

As the laughing and giggling started up once again, the angel leaned over to listen in for just a moment. It was then that she heard:

"This time I'll hold the bird down & you can crap on his head"

 

[Britton30]

How about this link Kari, same crap?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=rXU-ZdmzNmo

 

[Kari]

how about this link kari, same crap?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=rxu-zdmznmo

​

 

[A Guy]

Someone posted a link to a great YouTube video on Facebook, Twitter, Reddit or any other site but you cannot play it because you get the dreaded "this video is not available" message when you try to watch it on your system? You may or may not be affected by this on a daily basis depending on where you live.

If you are living in Germany for instance, chance is that many popular music videos won't simply play because of Google's ongoing struggle with the GEMA.

Source

A Guy

P.S. Everything I post is really crap anyway Kari, you aren't missing anything

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

Someone posted a link to a great YouTube video on Facebook, Twitter, Reddit or any other site but you cannot play it because you get the dreaded "this video is not available" message when you try to watch it on your system? You may or may not be affected by this on a daily basis depending on where you live.

If you are living in Germany for instance, chance is that many popular music videos won't simply play because of Google's ongoing struggle with the GEMA.

Source

A Guy

P.S. Everything I post is really crap anyway Kari, you aren't missing anything

Here you go:

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.

I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets.

A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.

Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

His theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.

His theory was right.

The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location,

confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; ( I always call him "honey" in times like these.)

"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.

"Are you kidding' me", he barked, "I dropped you off"!!!

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."

Yep, it's the golden years................

 

[Phone Man]

1. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"Your room looks like a tornado hit it."

2. My mother taught me about RELIGION.
"You better pray that comes out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

4. My mother taught me about OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

5. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, I can take you out."

6. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in the world who don't have wonderful parents like you."

7. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when we get home."

8. My mother taught me about GENEOLOGY.
"Shut that door... You think you were raised in a barn?"

9. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids... I hope they turn out just like you!"

10. My mother taught me about LOGIC.
"Because I said so, That's why."

11. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until your spinach is gone."

12. My mother taught me about IRONY.
"Keep crying. I'll give you something to cry about."

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

Must be pretty bad because it didn't come through.

 

[thudpucker]

It was awful. Probably the monitor caught it. Good for the Monitor. I'm glad some one is watching!

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Whole In One

A church Pastor woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to preside over the services for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, the Pastor headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.

This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his church. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then the Pastor hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.

IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"


The Lord smiled and replied, Who is he going to tell?

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Blonde Adding a Quart of OIL