Jokes Thread [3]

[thudpucker]

I make sure my Cousin, the NUN, get's all those Catholic jokes.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

This may have been posted in here before.. It's worth sharing it again.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(written by kids)


You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10


2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then..
-- Camille, age 10


3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8


4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8


5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10


6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7 ( Love her )

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8


7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )


8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favourite is .......


9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

 

[COMPUTIAC]

Hospital Chart Bloopers


1. The patient refused autopsy.


2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.


3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.


4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.


5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.


6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.


7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.


8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.


9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.


10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

 

[Layback Bear]

Good call by the patient.
Procrastination has it good points.
1. The patient refused autopsy.

 

[thudpucker]

He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates & having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower & the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him. Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,... yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say Yes or did she say No?
He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall.
He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response. With fear & trepidation he picked up the phone & called her.

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?

"Why you silly man, I said Yes. Yes I will. And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!

 

[Phone Man]

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
... Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the
bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut

 

[thudpucker]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica]Police in Detroit announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 200 pounds of heroin, 5 million in forged US banknotes and 25 trafficked prostitutes -- all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library on Woodward Avenue.
Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said: "We're all shocked; we never knew we had a library."
[/FONT][/FONT][/FONT]

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

How many more doctors does it take to change a lightbulb.


HOW MANY MORE DOCTORS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB? | TROPFEST AUSTRALIA

 

[derekimo]

How many more doctors does it take to change a lightbulb.


HOW MANY MORE DOCTORS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB? | TROPFEST AUSTRALIA

Here ya go LPt,

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[DocBrown]

That was Great!

 

[COMPUTIAC]

Question and Answer


A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.


He asked his father, "How does this boat float"?


The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."


The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breathe underwater"?


Once again, the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."


A little later, the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue"?


Again, the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."


Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind me asking you all of these questions"?


"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

" Theater Tickets For Seniors "

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,

"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The old man just groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the disheveled man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked,

"All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,

"The balcony."

Why didn’t you say so?

He never asked.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

thudpucker... GREAT Joke.. I loved it.. bring on more..:roflmao:

 

[Dinesh]

 

[BrightBlessings]

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Qantas from Sydney to Auckland.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,
“If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs,
and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did”.

"Well then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Qantas always pulls out on time,
and ask her to explain that to you."

 

[thudpucker]

This is from Last season.

20% OF THE U. OF ALABAMA PLAYERS HAVE BEEN ARRESTED DURING THE PAST YEAR
AND
THE JOKES ARE FLOWING:





____________________________________________________

A lady in Tuscaloosa calls 911. Hysterically, she says, 'Someone's just
broken into my house, and I think he's going to rob me!' The police
officer
says, 'We're really busy at the moment. Just get the guy's jersey number
and
we'll get back to you.'
____________________________________________________



Q: What is Nick Saban's biggest concern?

A: Does the NCAA still count bail money as a recruiting violation?
____________________________________________________



Q: What do you call a drug ring in Tuscaloosa?

A: A huddle
_______________________________ _____________________



Q: Four Bama players in a car, who's driving?

A: The police
____________________________________________________



Q: Why can't most of the Bama players get into a huddle on the field?

A: It is a parole violation to associate with known felons.
____________________________________________________



The Bama team has adopted a new Honor System.

'Yes, your Honor; No, your Honor'.
____________________________________________________



The Tide is expecting a 7-6 season this year.
7 Arrests, 6 convictions.
____________________________________________________



Q: How will the Tide spend the first week of Spring Training?

A: Studying their Miranda Rights

 

[Layback Bear]

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Qantas from Sydney to Auckland.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,
“If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs,
and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did”.

"Well then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Qantas always pulls out on time,
and ask her to explain that to you."

I want to hear the answer the mother gives explaining that.

 

[thudpucker]

A Ronald Reagan Joke.

A farmer had some bad bottom land and decided to clean it up and make it grow some stuff.
So he worked and got it all going.
One Sunday after the morning church the farmer asked the Preacher to come by and look.

The Preacher was really impressed. Such big Tomatoes, and look at that tall Corn...such a Heavenly place.
The Farmer said to the Preacher: "You should have seen it before, when God was doing it all by himself!"

 

[ThrashZone]

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Qantas from Sydney to Auckland.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,
“If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs,
and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did”.

"Well then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Qantas always pulls out on time,
and ask her to explain that to you."

I want to hear the answer the mother gives explaining that.

+2 lol