Jokes Thread [3]

[jadinolf]

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were very close, the lucky number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up.

Again Paddy asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3, you were very close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.. My wife won twice last week.

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Britton30]

GOODBYE DADDY
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:

'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.'
The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy
and goodbye Grandma.'
The next day the grandmother died.
'Holy s***' thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:

'God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.'
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the
day he stayed there drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?'
He said 'I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life.'
She said, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

 

[richnrockville]

Last night while watching the tv show Pickers, This old Texan said:

Yankees are like Hemorrhoids,

If they go down and then back up, they are good
If they go down and stay down, they are a pain in the ass.

Rich

 

[COMPUTIAC]

Upgrade


Last year a friend of mine upgraded from BoyFriend 1.0 to Husband 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving very little system resources available for other applications.

She is now noticing that Husband 1.0 is also spawning Child Processors which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed her that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Husband 1.0 installs itself such, that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. She's finding that some applications such as SpendingSpree 2.4, GirlsNight 3.5 and CocktailNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).

During installation, Husband 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-ins such as MotherInLaw 5.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

A perfect example why I'm glad I'm single and a Lesbian.

 

[Everlong]

My mate asked me, "What's the sexiest thing a Woman has ever said to you?"

"How did you get in to my house?", I replied.

 

[Phone Man]

Football Quiz

Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."
___________________________________________

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?

So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
___________________________________________

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?

Drool.
___________________________________________

How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a sophomore course.
___________________________________________

How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?

The cow fell on him.
___________________________________________

Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods.

One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."

The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
___________________________________________

A University of Cincinnati football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident.

He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death.

Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse. ___________________________________________ ___________________________________________

What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "

"Will the defendant please rise."
___________________________________________

If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?

The police officer.
___________________________________________

How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?

There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
_________ __________________________________

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?

A full set of teeth.
___________________________________________

University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week;


the other half will have to dress themselves.
___________________________________________

How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?

They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
___________________________________________

Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?

He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
___________________________________________

How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.
___________________________________________

What are the longest three years of a University of Kentucky football player’s life?

Freshman I, Freshman II, and Freshman III.

 

[Phone Man]

 

[richnrockville]

Phone Man, :roflmao:

Rich

 

[A Guy]

A good-looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood.

“I want to be a movie star,” he told the agent. Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked: “What’s your name?”

“Penis van Lesbian,” he replied.

“Sir, I hate to tell you,” said the agent, “but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.”

“I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old. I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Never!”

“Now listen: I have worked in Hollywood for years and I’m telling you that will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. Change your name – or I won’t be able to put you on our books.”

“So be it! I guess we will not do business together,” the guy said, and left the agent’s office.

Five years later

The agent opens an envelope sent to his office – inside is a letter and a check for $50,000.

Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

After I left your office, I thought about what you said and, eventually, decided you were right: I had to change my name. I’m afraid I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.

But I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

A Guy

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Wine Taster..






At a wine merchant the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.


A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.


The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They gave him a glass to drink.


He tried it and said, "It's a Muscat , three Years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers". Low grade but acceptable.


"That's correct", said the boss.



Another glass....




"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.."




"Correct."




A third glass...




''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.




The director was astonished.




He winked at his secretary to suggest something.




She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.




The alcoholic tried it.



"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father.."

 

[COMPUTIAC]

Test Flight

NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.

British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.

When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot's backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.

The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."

 

[gladson1976]

Not sure of this can be considered a joke, but the comments for this are just tooooo good

Justin Bieber could be banned from US, if found guilty in assault case - Entertainment - DNA

 

[Phone Man]

An old Texas rancher walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he's going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the ol' man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. He provides the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the ol' man for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground parking garage. Three weeks later, the ol' man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to less than $40.

The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very well, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire, with several PhD's. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5000?" The ol' man replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for 3 weeks for 40 bucks?!!"

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Heavens Adimitting Clerk

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination
to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk
who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or
her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explained that his last day was not a
good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.

She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.

"Well, her hair was dry, so I checked the shower and it was completely
dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky, and I began to look for
her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and
found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I
began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but
his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.

On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our
antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man
and killed him. At this point the stress got to me, and I suffered a
massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on
the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I
stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab
onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment, but some idiot came
rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I
fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up
I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way
but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directed the man to the next room.

He was still giggling when his third customer of the day entered. He
apologized and said, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as
the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know," replied the third man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding'
in this cedar chest----"

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

GREAT one Phone man !!!!

 

[Borg 386]

Did you hear about the flasher who thought about retiring?

He decided to stick it out for another year

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

Did you hear about the flasher who thought about retiring?

He decided to stick it out for another year

Eww!

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Did you hear about the flasher who thought about retiring?

He decided to stick it out for another year

Eww!

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[NavM]

I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich