Jokes Thread [3]

[Britton30]

How Trends start.

Jim noticed his co-worker, normally a conservative sort had been wearing an earring of late. It kind of bothered him so he thought he'd ask Tom about it.
Tom, I notice you're wearing an earring.
Tom, sheepishly, said, it's no big deal, lots of guys are wearing them nowadays. Jim said, no problem just wondered.

This still got his curiosity aroused so he asked Tom how long he'd been wearing it.
Tom said since my wife found it in my pickup.

 

[Phone Man]

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

View attachment 284305

That's known as Destinesia.

 

[kf10]

how do we know that humans evolved from apes and not the other way round

 

[COMPUTIAC]

A Man Walks Into A Bar...


A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"


The bartender considers it, and then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.


After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?"


The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, which begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his free drinks, a stranger confronts him and offers him $400 for the bullfrog.


"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $500 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $700 cash.


The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $700"

"Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

 

[Britton30]

how do we know that humans evolved from apes and not the other way round

If we did, the apes would be gone.

 

[Britton30]

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
****************************
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it..
****************************
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
****************************
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
****************************
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
****************************
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer..
****************************
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
****************************
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?
****************************
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
****************************
And last but not least!
Tech support: 'Okay Tom, let's press the control and escape (Esc) keys at the same time.
That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Tom: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Tom.
Tom: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Tom.
Tom: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!​

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Romantic Restaurant Scene‏


A man and a woman were having a
quiet, romantic dinner in a fine
restaurant.


They were gazing lovingly at each
other and holding hands.


A waitress working a table a few
steps away, suddenly noticed the
man slowly sliding down his chair and
under the table while the woman
stared straight ahead.



The waitress watched as the man
slid all the way down his chair and
out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman stared straight
ahead.



The waitress, thinking this
behavior a bit risqué and that it
might offend other diners, went over to
the table and, tactfully began by
saying to the woman, "Pardon me,
ma'am , but I think your husband
just slid under the table."



The woman calmly looked up at her
and said, "No, actually he didn't.
He just walked in the door."

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
****************************
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it..
****************************
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
****************************
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
****************************
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
****************************
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer..
****************************
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
****************************
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?
****************************
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
****************************
And last but not least!
Tech support: 'Okay Tom, let's press the control and escape (Esc) keys at the same time.
That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Tom: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Tom.
Tom: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Tom.
Tom: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!​

Gary.... this is soooo funny.. I snagged it to share with my brother and friends.:roflmao:

 

[Phone Man]

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.

My work is done here.

------------------------------------------------------



Water in the carburetor

WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?

WIFE: "In the pool"

===========================================



THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYSOME IN RECENT YEARS.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary.

It means 75% are running around untreated.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------



A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.

Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.

"Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



HE MUST PAY

Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=



Today's Short Reading from the Bible...

From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."

Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

 

[Britton30]

Thanks Georgia.

A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart store and asks,in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, where do you keep the widdle wabbits?"As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice
　
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

 

[Phone Man]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or p...leasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston"
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men,
when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

 

[NavM]

I know a guy, the only clothes he has is a pair of pants, he works at a fast food restaurant and his co-worker makes fun of him, he can't tell his boss because he would just cut his already sucky pay, and his only friend is a mentally retarded kid.

Do you want to know whats worse? He live in a pineapple under the sea.

 

[BlackSparrow]

One evening, a wife drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to," the husband replied, "But I don't know her well enough."

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

PASSPORT

THIS IS PRICELESS:

I'M POSTING THIS AS IT ARRIVED IN MY MAIL TODAY, THOSE WHO WISH TO READ THIS, MUST NOT LAUGH UNTIL YOUR TUMMY HURTS.

ACTUAL PASSPORT APPLICATION LETTER SENT BACK TO STATE DEPARTMENT


Dear Mrs. Ms. Or Sir:


I'm in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987 (23 years ago), and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date? For Christ's sake, do you guys do this by hand? Ever heard of computers?


My birth date you have in my social security file. It's on EVERY income tax form I've filed for the past 35+ years. It's on my Medicare health insurance card and my driver's license, it's on the last eight damned passports I've had, it's on every stupid customs declaration form I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane for the last 30+ years. And it's on all those census forms that we have to do at election times.


Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert, and I'm reasonably confident that neither name is likely to change between now and when I die.


Between you and me, I've had enough of this bureaucratic bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my #*&#%*& address. What is going on? You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal morons working there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? And "No," I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.


And would someone please tell me, why would you give a damn whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!


Well, I have to go now because I have to go to the other end of the city and get another #*@&#^*% copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $100. Would it be so difficult to have all the services in the same area so I could get a new passport the same day? No-o-ooo, that would require planning and organization. And it would be too logical for the @&^*^%@% government. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off. < v>


Then I have to find some asshole to confirm that it's really me in the damn picture - you know, the one where I'm not allowed to smile. Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!



Signed- An Irate Citizen.


P.S. Remember what I wrote about getting someone to confirm that the picture is me? Well, my family has been in the United States of America since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 35 years, and have had security clearances up the yingyang. However, I have to get someone important to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor, WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA!


And you a**holes want to run our health care system??

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

The Black Bra

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.




Engaged friend:



The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:



Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:


When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said:



(You are going to love this...)











"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

 

[COMPUTIAC]

Ya gotta stop this, my face hurts from the first one,
now I'm crying from the second one !

No more , please
(well maybe 1 more)

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

~~~ NUNS~~~

Two nuns sat at traffic lights in their car when a car load of rowdy young lads pulls up alongside.

"Oi, get your tits out you penguins!" shouts one of the lads.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata,
"I don't think they know who we are, show them your cross".

So Sister Immaculata winds down her window and shouts,

"F’k off you little wankers, before I come over there and rip your balls off"!


"There, was that cross enough, Mother Superior ? "

 

[Britton30]

That's cross enough for me.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

LOL@You, you bugger... :roflmao::roflmao::roflmao: