Jokes Thread [3]

[The Howling Wolves]

Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:

"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."

"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property? Tthe schmuck has a paper route!"

 

[jadinolf]

Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:

"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."

"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property? Tthe schmuck has a paper route!"

NOW THAT'S FUNNY!!:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[COMPUTIAC]

Dang, very funny.

 

[Layback Bear]

Who got Morris Schwartz dog?

 

[BrightBlessings]

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand & orders a shandy.

All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.
The barman says: "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says: "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says: "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says: "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says: "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins & yells: "It’s OK boys. He's one of us."

 

[Layback Bear]

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand & orders a shandy.

All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.
The barman says: "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says: "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says: "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says: "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says: "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins & yells: "It’s OK boys. He's one of us."

I love it. It's great. If only I can remember it.

 

[COMPUTIAC]

Federal Inspection


A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher: "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."


The rancher said: "Okay, but don't go into that field over there --" The DEA Agent interrupted, saying: "Look mister, am a government authority! See this badge? This badge means I can go wherever I want!"


The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later he heard screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers bull.


The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs...

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

 

[Phone Man]

Jim

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Indian Just Want Coffee


An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:



"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.....

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal
to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter:


"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says,


"Training for position in United States Congress.
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, Disappear for rest of day."

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Finally, a word to describe our Future. Ineptocracy

This is not yet found in the Oxford dictionary, so it was "Googled" and discovered to be a recently "coined"
new word found on T-shirts on eBay: Read this one over slowly and absorb the facts that are
within this definition!
I love this word and believe that it will become a recognized English word.
View attachment 288541

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Great group of funny jokes recently, thanks for keeping the thread moving alone .

 

[Britton30]

I take offense at the media describing the administration "spending money like a drunken sailor". As a former drunken sailor, I quit spending when I ran out.

 

[richnrockville]

Gary, me too..

Rich

 

[Layback Bear]

I take offense at the media describing the administration "spending money like a drunken sailor". As a former drunken sailor, I quit spending when I ran out.

Me to.
Also no one would loan me any more money. They were very smart. I never did try getting money from the Federal Reserve; who knows that might of worked.

 

[Frank1]

Doctor to elderly woman in for checkup: "You are doing great since your last checkup. As a matter-of-fact, you are doing so well that I'm happy to tell you that you can start climbing steps again."
The woman: " Thank God! I'm so damned tired of shinnying up and down that damn drain pipe to get to my bed room."

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Redneck magic



A black guy and a redneck go into a pastry shop.


The black guy whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn't notice.



The black guy says to the redneck:



"You see how clever we are?



You rednecks can never beat that!"



The redneck says to the black guy:



"Watch this, any Redneck is smarter than a roundhead, and I'll prove it to ya."



He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I'll show you a magic trick!"



The baker gives him the cookie, which redneck promptly eats.
Then he says to the baker: "Give me another cookie for my magic trick."



The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him.



He eats this one too.



Then he says again: "Give me one more cookie..."



The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one anyway.



The Redneck eats this one too.



Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: "And where is your famous magic trick?"



The redneck says, "Look in the black guys pocket!"

 

[Britton30]

Kids say the darnedest things

The Ocean – ALL you Need to Know!!






Children Writing About the Ocean….








1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better
off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and
I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is
always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has






just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think






they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't






go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right
up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown
I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

I take offense at the media describing the administration "spending money like a drunken sailor". As a former drunken sailor, I quit spending when I ran out.

That's how I was taught .. NO money then don't spend any, same as when I finally got my CC..
no money I don't buy on the CC either. I pay up the total when I get my statement .

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Gary that's too cute..
I'm guessing they better have a few lessons on oysters .. as well as pearls... lol

 

[Layback Bear]

This child is a future I.T. person.

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)