Jokes Thread [3]

[COMPUTIAC]

Things Not To Say When You're Pulled Over


I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer

 

[pebbly]

At the end of a long work week, a group of coal miners discovered that one of them, young Billy, was a virgin. Well, they decided this wasn’t right, and pooled their money to remedy the situation. They talked him into going out for a night on the town, got him all cleaned up, and drove to the local brothel. Upon entering, the ring leader went to the madam, explained the situation and gave her $100. She assured him she would sort Billy out and they all left Billy there to enjoy himself. Being naive, Billy asked the madam what was going on. She explained to him that he was about to become a man, courtesy of his friends. “All you have to do is choose one of my girls and she will take care of you.” Well, Billy looked around at the group of women before him and, after several minutes of pondering, picked a likely looking girl to take upstairs. Once they were in their room, the girl said to Billy, “I hear you’re a virgin boy. So what’s your
pleasure? You want missionary, Greek, doggy style, ‘round the world’, 69 or what?” Billy said, “Gosh, ma’am, give me what you think I ought to have.” “No, boy, I’m a professional. You need to tell me what you want.” Billy decided a 69 sounded pretty good, so they settled into the proper position. After several minutes of missing the target, Billy finally got it right and was starting to enjoy it. Sadly, the whore had beans for dinner and let loose a little fart in his face. Billy shook his head, thinking it was part of the fun, and continued licking away. A little while later, she passed wind again. Billy still thought it was part of the fun and dived back in with a vengeance, licking like there was no tomorrow. A few minutes later, she really let loose with a fart that curled Billy’s eyebrows. He pushed her off his face and said, “I don’t want you to think I’m not enjoying myself or anything, but I’ll be dammned if I can take another 66 of those

 

[pebbly]

A man goes along to the Patent and Trademark Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, “I’d like to register my new invention. It’s a folding bottle.” “OK,” says the clerk. “What do you call it?” “A fottle,” replies the inventor. “A fottle? That’s stupid! Can’t you think of something else?” “I can think about it. I’ve got something else though. It’s a folding carton.” “And what do you call that?” asks the clerk. “A farton,” replies the inventor. “That’s obscene. You can’t possibly call it that!” “In that case,” says the inventor, “you’re really going to hate the name of my folding bucket.”

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

...He pushed her off his face and said, “I don’t want you to think I’m not enjoying myself or anything, but I’ll be dammned if I can take another 66 of those

:roflmao:

 

[Layback Bear]

Thank you pebbly's. Keep them coming. Three is about my limit also.

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

Thank you pebbly's. Keep them coming. Three is about my limit also.

Amateur!

 

[pebbly]

Thank you pebbly's. Keep them coming. Three is about my limit also.

Amateur!

:roflmao::devil2:

 

[pebbly]

In a small town the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it? “Heavens no, we bought it,” said the old ladies. “Then why don’t you drive it away?” “We can’t drive.” “Then why did you buy it?” “We were told that if we bought a car here we’d get screwed, so we’re just waiting.

 

[Layback Bear]

Amateur is good. You have to keep practicing to improve.

 

[pebbly]

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man’s penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window. Driving behind the couple was a man and his six-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away to her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windscreen, stuck for a moment, then flew off. Surprised, the daughter asked her father, “Daddy, what the heck was that?” Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, “It... it was only a bug, honey.” The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said, “Sure had a big d**k, didn’t it?”

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

Amateur is good. You have to keep practicing to improve.

Honey, even the pros have to keep practicing. :devil2:

 

[Phone Man]

Thank you pebbly's. Keep them coming. Three is about my limit also.

Amateur!

:roflmao::devil2:

Well 77 is better than 69 - you get 8 more.

 

[ICIT2LOL]

Young hot blooded fellow always on the look out finds a gorgeous brunette and takes her home after dinner and they get down to it when suddenly his pet parrot says
"Someone's gonna s*****d tonight!"
Immediately this puts the girl and him off any romantic intentions so he takes her home.

Few days later he meets wines and dines a beautiful redhead same thing on the sofa really getting hot and steamy when the parrot pipes up
"Someones gonna get s******d tonight" with the same result as before.
This goes on for the blond , the black haired girl another brunette and before long the young bloke realises he is never going to get his wicked way and gets real peed off.
He then comes up with an idea "I know " he thinks "I'll get a female parrot - bingo that will keep him quiet!!"

Off to the pet shop and he asks the owner if he has a female parrot he can buy. The owner says no but I tell you what I do have - is a female owl!
Young bloke thinks for a bit thinking what the dickens am I going to do now? and finally says "Ok I'll take the owl" - thinking any port in a storm!

Takes the owl home and puts her on the perch alongside the parrot who looks at the owl with a bewildered sort of stare.

That night he meets a real honey and thinks tonights the night - yes!!

Wines and dines her takes her home start getting very romantic on the sofa and soon things are getting very steamy when suddenly the parrot pipes up
"Someone is going to get s*****d tonight!"

The owl turns to the parrot with eyes bulging out and goes "HOO HOO!"
Parrot looks round at the owl and says "Yes and it ain't going to be you - you ugly flat faced bugger!!"

I have "toned" it down tad for the ladies.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

I am in room #317 at Fairview Southdale Hospital( was a guy )







This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.
I was staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please press 1?"
So I did..... I don't remember much after that.

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

I am in room #317 at Fairview Southdale Hospital







This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.
I was staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please press 1?"
So I did..... I don't remember much after that.

Gee, I didn't know you are family.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

S U R P R I S E D ya huh ????... just from a different kind of family. !!!

 

[ICIT2LOL]

Get into it gals LOL!!

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

I am in room #317 at Fairview Southdale Hospital( was a guy )







This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.
I was staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please press 1?"
So I did..... I don't remember much after that.

Get into it gals LOL!!

YOU are sooo bad, I mean bad to the bone bad !!!!:devil2:

 

[ICIT2LOL]

I am in room #317 at Fairview Southdale Hospital( was a guy )







This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.
I was staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please press 1?"
So I did..... I don't remember much after that.

Get into it gals LOL!!

bad !!!!:devil2:

Just call me George and this is just for you Pinky

 

[Britton30]

You're getting into Bad Company John.