Jokes Thread [3]

[ICIT2LOL]

You're getting into Bad Company John.

Hey ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ all the way that is just what I thought when I saw the post and put it in what are you listening to

 

[BrightBlessings]

Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.
They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'
Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.
'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.
Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.
'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'
'Aye 'tis,


NOW hand me dat shovel.'

 

[ICIT2LOL]

Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.
They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'
Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.
'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.
Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.
'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'
'Aye 'tis,


NOW hand me dat shovel.'

:roflmao:

 

[COMPUTIAC]

Fastest Dad


Three kids argue, whose father is the fastest.


One says, "My father is the fastest, he can overtake an arrow he shot with a bow."


The second one says, "My father is even faster - when he hunts, he can shoot a deer with a gunl and run up to it before it falls down."

The third kid says, "You actually don't understand what speed is. My father works for the city. He finishes work at 4:30 pm, but he's back home by 3:45 pm almost every day."

 

[BrightBlessings]

An Australian, an Irishman & an Englishman were sitting in a bar.

The only other person in the bar was a bearded man.
The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.

They stared & stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out: ''My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!''
The others looked again & sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman called out: ''Hey! You! Are you Jesus?''
The man looked over at him, smiled & nodded his head: ''Yes, I am Jesus.'' he said.
The Irishman called the bartender over & said to him: ''I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me.''

So the bartender poured Jesus a Guinness & took it over to his table.
Jesus looked over, raised his glass, smiled thank you & drank.
The Englishman then called out: ''Errr, excuse me, Sir, but would you be Jesus?''
Jesus smiled & said: ''Yes, I am Jesus.''
The Englishman beckoned the bartender & told him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus.

This the bartender duly did.
As before, Jesus accepted the drink & smiled over at the men.
Then the Australian called out: ''Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?''
Jesus nodded & said: ''Yes, I am Jesus.''
The Australian was mighty impressed & had the bartender send over a pot of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, which he accepted with pleasure.
Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus left his seat & approached the three men. He reached for the hand of the Irishman & shook it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he let go, the Irishman gave a cry of amazement: ''Oh my God, the arthritis is gone,'' he exclaimed. ''the arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!''
Jesus then shook the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale.

Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widened in shock: ''By Jove,'' he exclaimed, ''the migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a miracle!''
Jesus then approached the Australian, who had a terrified look on his face.
The Aussie whispered: ''Piss off mate, I'm on Workers Comp.''

 

[ICIT2LOL]

An Australian, an Irishman & an Englishman were sitting in a bar.

The only other person in the bar was a bearded man.
The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.

They stared & stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out: ''My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!''
The others looked again & sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman called out: ''Hey! You! Are you Jesus?''
The man looked over at him, smiled & nodded his head: ''Yes, I am Jesus.'' he said.
The Irishman called the bartender over & said to him: ''I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me.''

So the bartender poured Jesus a Guinness & took it over to his table.
Jesus looked over, raised his glass, smiled thank you & drank.
The Englishman then called out: ''Errr, excuse me, Sir, but would you be Jesus?''
Jesus smiled & said: ''Yes, I am Jesus.''
The Englishman beckoned the bartender & told him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus.

This the bartender duly did.
As before, Jesus accepted the drink & smiled over at the men.
Then the Australian called out: ''Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?''
Jesus nodded & said: ''Yes, I am Jesus.''
The Australian was mighty impressed & had the bartender send over a pot of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, which he accepted with pleasure.
Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus left his seat & approached the three men. He reached for the hand of the Irishman & shook it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he let go, the Irishman gave a cry of amazement: ''Oh my God, the arthritis is gone,'' he exclaimed. ''the arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!''
Jesus then shook the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale.

Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widened in shock: ''By Jove,'' he exclaimed, ''the migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a miracle!''
Jesus then approached the Australian, who had a terrified look on his face.
The Aussie whispered: ''Piss off mate, I'm on Workers Comp.''

:roflmao:isn't that the truth eh??

 

[beauparc]

Sean and Michael go fishing one day.

All day long they sit there in the boat and catch nothing. Not one damn fish comes anywhere near them.

Finally, just as they were about to pack up and row back to shore, they come upon this enormous shoal of fish. They pull fish in until the boat is full and then start off home.

Sean says "Mike, be sure and mark this place so we can come back tomorrow"

"Right so" says Mike.

They reach shore and Sean says "Did you remember to mark the place, Mike?"

"I did" says Mike, "Sure and I put a big cross on the bottom of the boat"

Silence......

"You feckin' great eejit" says Sean, "What if we don't get the same boat tomorrow?"

 

[COMPUTIAC]

Let's Pretend

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping compartment of a train.


After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.


In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."


The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."


"Why not?" giggles the woman.


"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

 

[COMPUTIAC]

We're In Trouble Now


Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood. The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys.


So the boys parents decided to have their priest talk to the boys.


The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the youngest first. The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from the priest.


The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, asks, "Where is God?"


The boy looks around the room and back at the priest and says nothing.


Again, the priest points at the boy and in a louder voice asks, "Where is God?" The boy says nothing.


The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boy’s face and asks again, "Where is God?"


The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out the door.


The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, "We are in BIG trouble!"


His brother replies, "We haven't done anything!"


The younger brother replies, "God's missing, and they think we did it!"

 

[COMPUTIAC]

 

[COMPUTIAC]

Peanuts


A policeman brought four boys before a judge. "They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said.


"Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency. Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."


"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."


"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."


"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."


"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.

 

[jadinolf]

heh heh :roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Tews]

Got this email from my dad and it made me laugh

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world,
I realized that at my age , I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, mainly eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while
A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,
the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU??

 

[jadinolf]

Got this email from my dad and it made me laugh

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world,
I realized that at my age , I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, mainly eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while
A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,
the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU??

How old is your dad?

The reason I ask is that he sounds like me and I'm older than dirt.

 

[COMPUTIAC]

Very good, saving this one.

 

[Yard Dog]

Yes.. quite good.. I enjoyed this one.

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

...I'm older than dirt.

You're older than dirt? I invented it.

Btw, #18 is also known as Destinesia.

 

[jadinolf]

...I'm older than dirt.

You're older than dirt? I invented it.

Btw, #18 is also known as Destinesia.

Oh yeah?

I'm older than the Pyramids. So there!

 

[COMPUTIAC]

...I'm older than dirt.

You're older than dirt? I invented it.

Btw, #18 is also known as Destinesia.

Oh yeah?

I'm older than the Pyramids. So there!

Ha !

You're both youngster's to me.

 

[jadinolf]

Urban Dictionary: Destinesia