Jokes Thread [3]

[ICIT2LOL]

A Christmas Story :



When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.


Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

:roflmao:Fully sik

 

[COMPUTIAC]

Blonde Joke
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a six foot tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is six foot two, weighs 225, and he’s a football player. The fella to your right is six foot five, pushing 300, and he’s a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times." [/FONT]

 

[COMPUTIAC]

Popular Guy


Bill and Ned go out to lunch and nearly everyone in the the restaurant stops to say hello to Ned.


"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill.


"I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned.


"Now Ned," says Bill, your pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world."


"Oh yeah," Ned replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!"


"That so?" answers Bill, "How about the President of the United States?"


"Let's go!" says Ned.


The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave.


"That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!"


"Let's go!" says Ned.


The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. ''Hello Ned, my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave.

Frustrated, Bill says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!"


"Benny!" says Ned, "Let's go!"


When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Ned, when the Pope came out,
Ned's arm was wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and see's Bill passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up.


"Bill! Bill! Wake up!" Bill opens his eyes and says,


"Ned. You're the most popular man in the world."


"I told you that, Bill," says Ned, "but you didn't faint when I knew the President! You didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"


"Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Ned?

 

[Borg 386]

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

 

[jadinolf]

Quick--paint it and sell it!

 

[Britton30]

:roflmaod)
Good one Borg! I used to drive a cab and the damn police would stop us anyway.

 

[whs]

Computers make good jokes. The last one may come in handy with certain threads.

 

[ICIT2LOL]

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

Moonlight with it LOL!!

 

[COMPUTIAC]

Changing Resolutions
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]2010: I will get my weight down below 160 pounds.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]2011: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 180 pounds.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]2012: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]2013: I will work out every day.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]2014: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week and eat fewer cookies[/FONT]

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Changing Resolutions
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]2010: I will get my weight down below 160 pounds.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]2011: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 180 pounds.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]2012: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]2013: I will work out every day.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]2014: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week and eat fewer cookies[/FONT]

Promise not to eat more than 30% of the Pizza's that I am suppose to deliver.
Look for another delivery job like...delivering diet meals. hehehe
Happy New Year!

 

[COMPUTIAC]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A New Year Prayer for the Elderly[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]And the eyesight to tell the difference.[/FONT]

 

[COMPUTIAC]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Resolutions You Can Keep[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]1.) Gain at least 30 pounds.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]2.) Read less.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]3.) Stop exercising. It's a waste of time.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]4.) Watch more TV. [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]5.) Procrastinate more.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]6.) Start being superstitious.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]7.) Spend more time at work.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]8.) Stop bring lunch from home and eat out more.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]9.) Sleep more.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
10.) Start a new bad habit.[/FONT]

 

[Layback Bear]

New year resolution.

Do the same as the year before and see if you get the same results.

 

[COMPUTIAC]

New year resolution.

Do the same as the year before and see if you get the same results.

It would be a good idea, if I could remember what it was.

 

[Dinesh]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Resolutions You Can Keep[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]1.) Gain at least 30 pounds.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]2.) Read less.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]3.) Stop exercising. It's a waste of time.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]4.) Watch more TV. [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]5.) Procrastinate more.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]6.) Start being superstitious.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]7.) Spend more time at work.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]8.) Stop bring lunch from home and eat out more.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]9.) Sleep more.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
10.) Start a new bad habit.[/FONT]

:roflmao:

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

I've kept only one resolution: I resolve to stop making resolutions.

 

[Phone Man]

I've kept only one resolution: I resolve to stop making resolutions.

You made a resolution to stop making resolutions. :banghead:
Years ago when working for ATT they formed a committee to look at all the forms we used and wanted to eliminate outdated forms. Their first act was to create a new form to tell them what forms were not needed.

Jim

 

[richnrockville]

I found this on another site and Hope that it is not to raw for this forum.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices
the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

The first guy says "Wow, that's a huge lighter...where did you get it?"
The guy replies "A genie from this bottle granted me one wish."

"Great, can I try it?" ...

"Sure."

The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish" says the genie.

The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"
"Done" says the genie and disappears.

A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and pouring in come ducks.
Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?"

rich

 

[jadinolf]

i found this on another site and hope that it is not to raw for this forum.

a guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices
the guy has a very large bic cigarette lighter.

The first guy says "wow, that's a huge lighter...where did you get it?"
the guy replies "a genie from this bottle granted me one wish."

"great, can i try it?" ...

"sure."

the first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "you are granted one wish" says the genie.

The guy says, "i want a million bucks!"
"done" says the genie and disappears.

A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and pouring in come ducks.
Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

"i can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "i asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

the second guy then says, "do you really think i wished for a 12 inch bic?"

rich

good one!!:d:d:d:d

 

[ICIT2LOL]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Resolutions You Can Keep[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]1.) Gain at least 30 pounds.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]2.) Read less.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]3.) Stop exercising. It's a waste of time.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]4.) Watch more TV. [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]5.) Procrastinate more.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]6.) Start being superstitious.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]7.) Spend more time at work.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]8.) Stop bring lunch from home and eat out more.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]9.) Sleep more.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]10.) Start a new bad habit.[/FONT]

Like that and the best part about senility is you get to meet new people every day