Jokes Thread [3]

[Layback Bear]

Senility can be helpful.
You never loose things because you can't remember you ever had them in the first place.

You can hide your own easter eggs.

Their is no such thing as a rerun on T.V.

All news is new news.

All food is great because you can't remember what foods you don't like.

The good news is most of the time you can remember where the bathroom is located and what it's used for.

 

[jadinolf]

The grade on this post is A+

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

What post? I didn't see a post. Did you see a post?

 

[Borg 386]

This is an old one from the late 90's I believe...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to start, in which case you have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither needed nor wanted them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become the target of investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM would introduce a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "Start" button to shut off the engine.

 

[Phone Man]

A Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer and a Software Engineer were driving to a meeting when their car broke down. The Mechanical Engineer got out and checked the car and said it's not a mechanical problem. The Electrical Engineer got out and checked the car and said it's not an electrical problem. The Software Engineer said lets close all the windows, get out of the car, get back in the car and open all the windows. The car started up and away they went.

Jim

 

[Britton30]

Two dung beetles are sitting on a turd. One farts, the other one says, "Hey, do you mind, I'm trying to eat here!"

 

[ICIT2LOL]

Two dung beetles are sitting on a turd. One farts, the other one says, "Hey, do you mind, I'm trying to eat here!"

:roflmao:

 

[The Howling Wolves]

May have been around before but hey it's 2014 so here goes...

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants
and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why
they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest
of the game, all they kept screaming was...
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

 

[Kari]

Happened back in my native Finland, Lapland:

Two police officers were patrolling the streets in the capital of region Lapland, walking around downtown Rovaniemi at Arctic Circle. A tourist stopped them, apparently needing help.

Tourist: Sorry, do you speak English?
Officer 1: Ei, puhu suomea. (Translation: No, speak Finnish)
Tourist: Parlez-vous français?
Officer 2: Ei
Tourist: Sprechen Sie Deutsch?
Officer 1: Ei.
Tourist: Parli italiano?
Officer 2: Ei.
Tourist: ¿Habla usted español?
Officer 1: Ei.

The tourist looked at the officers, said nothing more and went away.

Officer 1 (in Finnish, of course): I think he needed help. A shame that we both dropped out of college, again a good example that it had been better for both of us to study more.
Officer 2: You are not often right but this time you are totally wrong. Look at that poor tourist; clearly an educated man, could speak 5 languages but all his studies were of no help to him!

 

[COMPUTIAC]

Desert Island

A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years.

One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.

Man: "Hi! I am so happy to see you."

Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

Man: "It's been 10 years!"

With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.

Man: "Thank you so much!"

Girl: "So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?"

Man: "It's been 10 years!"

The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of 12 year old malt whisky and gives the man a drink.

Man: "Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"

Then the girl says, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"

Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too...!"

 

[UsernameIssues]

Desert Island

~~~

Then the girl says, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"

Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too...!"

She was teed off

 

[Phone Man]

How does a golfer protect himself during a lightning storm?

Holds a 2 iron over his head.

Even God can't hit a 2 iron.

Jim

 

[thudpucker]

When it reached -20 outside and the wind was blowing constantly, all her husband could do was stare at the window.

She thought: "If it get's any colder, she might let the Drunkun Bum inside!"

 

[The Howling Wolves]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cops expense!!

Irish cop says,"License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop,that's the law. License and registration,please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cops expense!!

Irish cop says,"License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop,that's the law. License and registration,please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

Curious. An Irish cop with a Scottish accent.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

The Editor was Scottish

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cops expense!!

Irish cop says,"License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop,that's the law. License and registration,please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

Curious. An Irish cop with a Scottish accent.

 

[COMPUTIAC]

Red Light Runner

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

 

[Britton30]

At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy .... then they turned the page. On the second page was written...




For 95 points: Which tire? _________

 

[thudpucker]

Early one morning, an elderly retired gentleman yelled to his wife.... ​

"Honey....! Come see what I created....! ​

It's an 'abstract panorama' depicting the five years of the Obama presidency!"​

She yelled back, "Flush the damn toilet and come eat your breakfast."​

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

Curious how people forget that much of the mess Obama is having to deal with is a result of the previous administration.