Jokes Thread [3]

[The Howling Wolves]

Curious how people forget that much of the mess Obama is having to deal with is a result of the previous administration.[/QUOTed

During the previous administration both the House and Senate was run by the Democrats.
He has a lot to deal with but refuses to deal with anything. IMHO

 

[thudpucker]

Yes, Obama spent his whole first term, blaming it all on Bush.
Now, in his second term, who's he gonna blame it on?

 

[thudpucker]

Who needs Congress? Obama is writing new laws.

 

[A Guy]

OK folks, let's get back on subject please.

   Note

8) No discussions on religion, politics, or firearms.

A Guy

 

[thudpucker]

I agree! Thanks for jumping in here.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

HONESTY

Job Interview:

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Man: "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Old Man: "I don't really give a shit what you think."

 

[Phone Man]

Saw the below on Facebook and it makes a lot of sense. DO NOT wash your hair in the shower!! It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!! IT INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT. WARNING TO US ALL!!! Shampoo Warning! I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, "FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME." No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dishwashing Soap. It's label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE." Problem solved! If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower!

Jim

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

JIM that's a gem you shared!!!... I may try the Dawn one on myself..

 

[thudpucker]

DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.'
(I want this line used at my funeral!)

 

[boohbah]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cops expense!!

Irish cop says,"License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop,that's the law. License and registration,please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

that irish cop has a scots accent

 

[thudpucker]

Pilots work hard at landings and Takeoffs. The Navigator tells us where to go.
And if we get to the right place, a hand comes out from the Navigators Dash Board and hands him a banana!

 

[thudpucker]

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway." ​

 

[thudpucker]

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. ​

​

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway." ​

Might get more for the bike if he decided to trade it in!

 

[thudpucker]

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

 

[indianacarnie]

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[COMPUTIAC]

Trouble

A man walks into a bar, and tells the bartender to pour him a 12 year old single malt scotch "before the trouble starts." The bartender pours his drink and quietly moves away.

After finishing his drink, the man calls the bartender back and tells him "pour me a 15 year old scotch before the trouble starts." The bartender thinks this is very strange but pours him the 15 year old scotch.

After finishing that drink, the man tells the bartender to pour him an 18 year old scotch "before the trouble starts." The bartender is becoming a little worried, but pours him the 18 year old scotch.

Before the man finishes his 18 year old scotch, the bartender finally gets up the nerve to ask: "Say friend, when this trouble is going to start?"

To which the man replies: "The trouble starts, when you find out that I don't have any money."

 

[COMPUTIAC]

Actual Quotes From Office Memos
[FONT=Arial, serif]
"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, serif]
[/FONT][FONT=Arial, serif]"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." [/FONT]

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
[FONT=Arial, serif]
[/FONT][FONT=Arial, serif]"This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, serif]
[/FONT][FONT=Arial, serif]"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant manager, Delco Corporation)[/FONT]

 

[Ranger4]

The Convents Mother Superior rose from the dinner table & tapped a spoon loudly on the table to quieten the dining room at the end of evening dinner.

“It has been brought to my attention that 3 cases of gonorrhoea have been discovered in the convent.”

That resulted in dead silence, until one very young Nun said to her colleague in a voice far louder then she intended.

“Thank goodness for that, I was getting so sick of the Chardonnay.”

 

[COMPUTIAC]

Signs You Have A Bad Lawyer

[FONT=Arial, serif]You met him in prison.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, serif]
During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, serif]He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, serif]When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, serif]He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, serif]During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, serif]
He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, serif]
A prison guard is shaving your head.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, serif]
Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, serif]
He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, serif]
He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, serif]
He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, serif]
Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, serif]
Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, serif]
The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, serif]
Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, serif]
He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."[/FONT]