Jokes Thread [3]

[ICIT2LOL]

Rear View

My nephew works at a copy shop that provides a variety of computer services. Once, a customer brought in a snapshot he had taken of the front of his house.

"Would you scan this picture onto a computer screen"? he asked my nephew.

"Then rotate it 180 degrees. I need a photo of the back of my house."

Yep reminds me of a funny incident that happened to me a few years ago.
An older lady was told by her doctor to collect and bring in three consecutive days stool specimens - as one does for bowel cancer screening.
She came to the window of the nurses station and announced that she had done this and I politely said she could leave it with me and it would go to the lab the next day.
She fished around inside an old plastic carrier bag and brought out a 2 LITRE ice cream container packed to the brim with errrr her three days of stool.
I had to really restrain myself from laughing out loud at her naivety and the look on her face was just dead pan serious.LOL!! The doctor for a change thought this hilarious too!!

PS On a more serious not for those not in the know there are special small pots with scoops on the underside of the lid for collecting said specimens on three consecutive days and should be done by everyone over 40 -4 years old or if there is a history of familial bowel or any cancer.

 

[richnrockville]

Thought youall might like this.

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story....
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded.
"Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,


"Does she still have the hiccups?"

Rich

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

That's a great one.. made me laugh out loud !!!!

 

[UsernameIssues]

It made me laugh too.

It brought to mind this 71-year-old woman who was cured of her hiccups via other means.

More info here: BBC - Future - Which hiccup remedies really work?
At least read/scan until you find the reference to the 71-year-old woman

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Well as long as it works, most could care less. I read every one listed,
it could well be they get distracted and forget to hiccup.....

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Too much of a good thing , it's looking like.,

 

[gladson1976]

View attachment 305919
Too much of a good thing , it's looking like.,

Too true

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

No phones allowed at the dinner table, eating and conversation is all that's Allowed.

 

[richnrockville]

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them sh*t in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird sh*t."

"It was my first day with the hook.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Paper is dead !!!

 

[Borg 386]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing I did," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them:

"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!!"

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

 

[Redneck Hermit]

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

 

[COMPUTIAC]

That's My Story And I'm Sticking To It

A man got really drunk one night in his local bar.

The bartender refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home.

The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again. He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be fine.

So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more, he decided to crawl home.

When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again. He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep.

When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him why he was drinking all night at the bar.

He denied it but she said, "I know you were there..." he maintained his innocence until "...the bartender called to say you forgot your wheelchair again...."

 

[Britton30]

Good come-backs

I especially like the last one.

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility.....
Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No, sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes, sir.'
Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
____________________________________________________________________________________
　
Now We Know Why He Was a General -----
In an interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America. His answer was classic Schwarzkopf. The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."
_____________________________________________________________________________________
　
Dana Perino (FOX News) describing an interview she recently had with a Navy SEAL. After discussing all the countries that he had been sent to, she asked if they had to learn several languages?
"Oh no ma'am, we don't go there to talk."
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
Conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai .
　
Iranian Air Defense Site: 'Unknown aircraft, you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Site: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace, we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 Fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Air Defense Site: (... Total silence)

 

[indianacarnie]

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao: Me too!

 

[Ranger4]

This is based on a true story.
The attorney representing the insurance company being sued by Mr Smith, for personal injury, damages & loss of income, rose & approached Mr Smith in the witness box.
“Is it true, Mr Smith that you stated to Police Sergeant Jones, & I quote, “that you had never felt better in all your life.””
“Yes that is correct.” Replied Mr Smith.
“Well Mr Smith, would please explain that for the benefit of the court.”
Mr Smith replied. “I was moving a mob of sheep along a quiet country road, taking them from one part of my property to another, when I heard a vehicle approaching at high speed, so I quickly moved as many sheep off the road as I could, but the driver lost control of the vehicle on a corner & knocked my horse out from under me & that is the last thing I remember. I don’t know how long I was unconscious, but I did hear another vehicle approaching, which was Sergeant Jones. After he arrived he walked over to my dog that was badly injured & nudged it with his boot, then removed his .38 revolver from its holster & shot it between the eyes. Then he checked my horse that was also in a very bad state & shot it between the eyes as well. He then walked over to where I was, still carrying his .38 & said to me. “And how are you?”
“That’s when I replied. “I have never felt better in all my life.””

 

[Layback Bear]

View attachment 307332

I love it.
A wise one once said: When you think bad of someone at least you are thinking of them.

 

[COMPUTIAC]

Breakfast Order
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The hotel guest called room service, "I want a breakfast of two eggs burned black around the edges, undercooked bacon, weak coffee, watery orange juice, and cold, hard, unbuttered toast."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The room service clerk asked, "Why in the world would you want a terrible breakfast like that?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"I'm homesick[/FONT]."