Jokes Thread [4]

[A Guy]

I haven't changed much in all my years. Ugly doesn't wear off with time.

I can attest to that.

So you've seen him then?

A Guy

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

I haven't changed much in all my years. Ugly doesn't wear off with time.

I can attest to that.

Welcome to the club!

 

[jadinolf]

I haven't changed much in all my years. Ugly doesn't wear off with time.

I can attest to that.

So you've seen him then?

A Guy

No, Bill, I've seen me. Been forced to look at myself for 80+ years.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

I can't wait till tomorrow...as I get better looking each day!(d):roflmao:

till I put on my glasses.
THW

 

[A Guy]

A dog goes into a grocers with a basket in its mouth. In the basket is a shopping list and a purse. The grocer reads the list, puts the goods requested into the basket, takes some money from the purse and puts back the change. The dog then runs off home.

This happens every week for months and the grocer becomes extremely impressed by the animals intelligence and its dedication to its task. One day he decides to follow the animal home and see if its owner would be willing to sell it.

The dog eventually leads the grocer to a run-down house where it puts the basket on the doorstep and rings the door-bell with its nose. After a few seconds an old woman opens the door and starts hitting the dog with a stick.

‘Stop!’ shouts the grocer. ‘What are you doing? That’s the most intelligent dog I’ve ever seen in my life.’

‘Intelligent, my arse!’ shouts the old woman. ‘That’s the third time this week he’s forgotten his keys.’

A Guy

 

[jadinolf]

Love it!

 

[BugMeister]

If I was going to get a dog, I wouldn't choose a Labrador..
- have you seen how many of their owners go blind..?!!

 

[Callender]

So you apply for a job and...

If you've applied for a job and get a rejection letter from the prospective employer , just send them the following:

Dear [name of the person who signed the rejection letter],
 Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. 
 After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable
 to accept your refusal to offer me [employment with your firm].
 This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
 large number of rejection letters.

 With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible
 for me to accept all refusals.

 Despite [name of the company or agency that sent you this letter]'s outstanding
 qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that
 your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.

 Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately
 following [graduation/job change, etc. -- get creative here].

 I look forward to working with you.
 
 Best of luck in rejecting future [candidates].
 Sincerely,
 [your name]

 

[jadinolf]

I wish I had this letter when I was out job hunting.

I showed them- haven't worked in 21 years.

 

[shstudent]

With me being a citizen of a third world country with:

• a bad economy with not much going on
• high unemployment
• high migration levels
• many applications with "no vacancy" responses (if any at all)

and with me:

• not being able to get a job for many years now (not even online)
• being handicapped by being from the middle age range
• not having resources to start a business here

I think something drastic might work. I might as well try a new approach by using that letter.
Thanks Callender. This might come under a joke thread, but I am going to use it in a very serious way. Desperate times call for desperate measures. This might be the joke that uplifts me for many years to come.

Wish me well and I will update you all soon.

 

[DocBrown]

Computer Problem Report Form

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem:
__________________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
__________________________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Shot__
6. Is your computer plugged in?
Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on?
Yes__ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself?
Yes__ No__
9. Have you made it worse?
Yes__
10. Have you read the manual?
Yes__ No__
11. Are you sure you've read the manual?
Yes__ No__
12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual?
No__
13. Do you think you understood it?
Yes__ No__
14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself? __________________________________________
15. How tall are you? Are you above this line?
__________________________________________
16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
__________________________________________
17. If "nothing" explain why you were logged in.
__________________________________________
18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem?
Yes__ No__
19. How does this problem make you feel?
__________________________________________
20. Tell me about your childhood.
__________________________________________
21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem?
Yes__ No__
22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me?
Yes__

Thank you for taking the time to fill out our Computer Problems Form. Please allow 1-week response time so that the problem will resolve its self or you will reboot your computer, most likely resolving the issue.

:roflmao:

 

[Borg 386]

Things you never want to hear from a computer support tech guy:

"Pentium? Gigabyte? Try speaking English man"

"Hello, my name's __________, and I'm an alcoholic."

"Me learn English goodly. Talk you do about problem."

"So you say it is plugged in? Well, I'm stumped."

"Well, did you ever consider that the screen is supposed to freeze up for 10 minutes?"

"Let me consult with my supervisor - hmmm...Results hazy, try again later."

"I'm sorry, but the word "byte" always makes me laugh"

 

[alikhan]

3 logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks "Do all of you want a drink?"
The first logician says "I don't know."
The second logician says "I don't know."
The third logician says "Yes!"

 

[HarriePateman]

Im printing this off for work

 

[Callender]

All in one Windows repair tool

Windows Repair Tool:

 

[HarriePateman]

No Virus is going to get past that!

 

[Phone Man]

I just call my technician to handle my problems.



Jim

 

[Layback Bear]

I wondered where my sledge hammer went.

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

I wondered where my sledge hammer went.

I'm surprised you saw the hammer.

 

[andrew129260]

I just call my technician to handle my problems.

View attachment 333508

Jim

She aint getting anywhere near my pc. lol