New
#121
Jokes Thread 2
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New #122
Carl hi.. that's exactly what I thought .. I love little boys they are so funny.. you never know what's going to come out of them next....or what they might say..
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New #123
Bloke went into a tailor-shop and asked for 96 pockets to
be sewn into his jacket.
Then he went around the pet shops till he had bought 96 budgies.
He climbed up onto a roof, put a budgie into each pocket,
then jumped!
Someone nearby where he landed with a terrible thump
heard him moan,
"Well that's the end of that budgie jumping for me!"
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New #124
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances ….
While attending a Marriage Encounter weekend, Ray & his wife Charlotte listened to the instructor declare: “It is essential that husbands & wives know the things that are important to each other.”
He then addressed the men, asking: “Can you name & describe your wife's favourite flower?”
Ray leaned over, touched Charlotte's arm gently & whispered: “It's self- raising, isn't it?”
And thus began Ray's life of celibacy.
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New #125
Why Superman dresses the way he does...
Once upon a time, when he was very young, Superman wore nothing but romper suits. One day, he asked his mother if they could go and get some new clothes for him as he was beginning to feel embarrassed about the way he dressed. Well, he was 10 years old at the time. So his mother agreed. They went to the big department store and bought some clothes. They bought pants and shorts.
Superman was very excited. He'd never had clothes before, and now he had pants and shorts. There was just one problem. Neither he nor his mother knew in what order he should put them on. So they asked the assistant who sold them the clothes. She smiled at them and said "Pants on first, and then the shorts" (we need to remember that Superman is American, but the shop assistant is British). So Superman did as he was told, and put his pants on first followed by the shorts.
So now we know why Superman dresses the way he does.
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New #126
A bloke is driving down the street.
A cop pulls him over and says, "Sir, were you aware that your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?"
The bloke says, "Oh, thank God!
The cop says "Thank God?"
The bloke says "Aye...I thought for a moment I went deaf."
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New #127
“Hello?”
"Hi Honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute." A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?"
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he Jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he Didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the Bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
No, this is 486-5713.....
Sorry, wrong number!!!!!!!!
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New #128
Good news and bad news
A guy from Saskatchewan went out duck hunting in the fall and a gust of wind blew, his gun fell over and discharged shooting him in his private parts.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to refer you to my sister."
"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Regina Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye.”
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New #130
Some jokes cant be told, you have to see them at work.
Artisanal Pencil Sharpening
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