Jokes Thread 2

[lorddenis]

YouTube - Madtv - Apple I-rack

This is so funny.

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[LauraM]

Little bunny goes to a bakery and says:
Hello, do you have loaves small small ?
Baker responds that he has no small small loaves.
Next day same story. On the third day, the baker felt sorry for the bunny and makes small small loaves. Rabbit appears, as usual, and ask about loaves small small.
The baker said : - Yes , little bunny, I have loaves small small.
- And who buy them? said the little bunny.

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

I guess one has to be from Bucharest.

 

[UKDingo]

Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

 

[UKDingo]

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

 

[profdlp]

Those were great, UKDingo! :roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[lorddenis]

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[BrightBlessings]

Idle Thoughts.


I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it…


I had amnesia once—or twice…


I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?


Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.


All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.


If the world was a logical place,
men would be the ones who ride horses’ sidesaddle.


What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?


They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.


Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.


One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.


My weight is perfect for my height—which varies.


I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.


The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.


If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?


Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,
and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.


Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

 

[profdlp]

You've done it again, BB!

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[spinifex]

That's excellent, BB.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

BB....I think it's all of the ABOVE... lol ... that's a real goodie. !!!:roflmao:

 

[CarlTR6]

Idle Thoughts.

:roflmao:

 

[LauraM]

I guess one has to be from Bucharest.

Why, in California you do not have little bunnies?

 

[DocBrown]

I guess one has to be from Bucharest.

Why, in California you do not have little bunnies?

I think in California, everybody thinks of Playboy Bunnies

 

[LauraM]

I guess one has to be from Bucharest.

Why, in California you do not have little bunnies?

I think in California, everybody thinks of Playboy Bunnies

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:Perverted People

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Where are you in the line?


A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver,
and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.


The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the
ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their
underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then
apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils
so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination."

"The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings ,
Montana , which is about 550 miles from here."


"Good grief, is that where the job is?"



No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now

 

[gladson1976]

Where are you in the line?


A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver,
and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.


The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the
ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their
underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then
apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils
so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination."

"The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings ,
Montana , which is about 550 miles from here."


"Good grief, is that where the job is?"



No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now

:roflmao:

 

[BrightBlessings]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him
My elbow hurts like hell.Iguess I'd better go see a doctor
Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, Mike replies
There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a
urine sample
and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than
a doctor.

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for
the urine sample...He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:


"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco.

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,Joe began
to wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his
wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars,
pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints out the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.(Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.. Get a lawyer.
5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping at Costco!

 

[CarlTR6]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him
My elbow hurts like hell.Iguess I'd better go see a doctor
Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, Mike replies
There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a
urine sample
and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than
a doctor.

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for
the urine sample...He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:


"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco.

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,Joe began
to wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his
wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars,
pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints out the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.(Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.. Get a lawyer.
5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping at Costco!

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Techymike]

Funny thing about bunnies. My 2 year old son saw some Llamas this weekend at the circus and he kept calling them bunnies due to the ears and no matter what, he could not get past they looked like bunnies to him. It was very cute.