Jokes Thread 2

[profdlp]

...Girl Falls In Mall Fountain While Texting...http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...s-security-guards-laughing.html#ixzz1BbBL1L5e

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[A Guy]

YouTube - Girl Falls In Mall Fountain While Texting (BuzzFeed.com)



Now she is suing the mall. Texting shopper who fell in mall fountain sues security guards for laughing | Mail Online

Lol, I posted this in the youtube dump a little while ago, was on the Comcast homepage. Got to admit, if you are walking without watching where you are going, you get what you deserve. People are so engrossed in texting, no one has that much interesting to say. It's all about not being able to just be quiet and concentrate on what you are doing. A Guy

 

[A Guy]

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows

up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island..

The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into

ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,

"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor

made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.

She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.

You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes..

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"You've built a Golf Course?"

A Guy

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

YouTube - Girl Falls In Mall Fountain While Texting (BuzzFeed.com)

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[CarlTR6]

YouTube - Girl Falls In Mall Fountain While Texting (BuzzFeed.com)

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[pebbly]

Two women playing golf. One tees-up hits the ball and slices it. The ball streaks across the course and slams into a groundsman standing nearby. He collapses in a heap, hands between his legs and starts thrashing about on the grass.
One of the women runs across and says " it's alright, I'm a doctor". She unfastens his belt, sticks her hand down his trousers and starts massaging his private parts.
After five minutes she asks how that feels. The groundsman, pulling his hands from between his legs and holding his thumb up says,

" great, but do you think I'll loose the nail ?".

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

Two women playing golf. One tees-up hits the ball and slices it. The ball streaks across the course and slams into a groundsman standing nearby. He collapses in a heap, hands between his legs and starts thrashing about on the grass.
One of the women runs across and says " it's alright, I'm a doctor". She unfastens his belt, sticks her hand down his trousers and starts massaging his private parts.
After five minutes she asks how that feels. The groundsman, pulling his hands from between his legs and holding his thumb up says,

" great, but do you think I'll loose the nail ?".

:roflmao:
​

 

[Hopalong X]

Sex and Good English Grammar

On his 78th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,'This is a powerful medicine, and it must be respected.
You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged.
As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

 

[Kari]

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[CarlTR6]

Sex and Good English Grammar

On his 78th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,'This is a powerful medicine, and it must be respected.
You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged.
As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[kronckew]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.
They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"

 

[Joan Archer]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me' said one boy.. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..'

He just knew what it was.. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the Boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard , 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord..'

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me.. That's all.... Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done..'

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

 

[pebbly]

:roflmao: Very good Joan

 

[Kari]

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Joan Archer]

I'd just picked it up from another forum I belong to and thought it funny.

 

[profdlp]

I'd just picked it up from another forum I belong to and thought it funny.

Oh, you're seeing other forums?

And here I thought we had something special...

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Hey profdlp,

She is seeing me....I am the other forum.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis &Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.

"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.."

Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.



They're overseeing the Economic Recovery Program..

 

[pebbly]

very good THW :roflmao:

 

[pebbly]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years and breaks into a house to look for money.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While the convict's in the bathroom, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist,
don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets
angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife replies, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had
any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too.'