Jokes Thread 2

[mafhh]

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"
"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

Source: 3jokes

I feel cheated...
It was 2 guys on safari and a lion.
Originally told by Billy Connolley, I believe...

Dunno.

 

[smsff7]

Mathematics:
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.


Now you know why some people are where they are!

 

[xarden]

Science and mathematics

 

[Hopalong X]

Hypothesis - Females require Time and Money

Females = Time + Money

Time = Money

Females = Money + Money

Money = Evil

Females = Evil + Evil

Theory- Females are 2 (too) Evil

:roflmao:

Just kidding ladies of the forum!

 

[The Howling Wolves]

I like EVIL women!!!
they don't like me as I have NO Money!!

 

[simmo]

We need a funny thread..

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: “Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.
3. In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.
4. In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.
6. In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.
7. In the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent

 

[simmo]

Greenie Revenge

The chief woman “Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist”, who was responsible for getting horses banned from National parks and State forests, was climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.

In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest doctor, told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters.

The doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for3 hours before the doctor reappeared. Angry, the woman demanded, “What took you so long?”

“Well...” replied the doctor, “I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency; the Forestry Service; the National Parks and Wildlife Service; the Wilderness Society and the Department of Conservation and Land Management before I could remove “old growth timber” from a “recreational area” . . . I’m sorry but they all turned me down.”

 

[Kari]

Have you seen this: http://www.sevenforums.com/chillout-room/106614-jokes-thread-2-a.html

 

[simmo]

Mods can you pls move to chillout room...linked to this page by mistake

 

[simmo]

Have you seen this: http://www.sevenforums.com/chillout-room/106614-jokes-thread-2-a.html

Ummm yeah i have now..IE9 has the gaming thread area w/e in history and i linked to that by mistake

 

[Dinesh]

The last point has nothing to do with the question. Looks more like arrogance!!!

 

[simmo]

The last point has nothing to do with the question. Looks more like arrogance!!!

your entitled to your opinion...however wrong it may be...

 

[BrightBlessings]

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all."
She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this!
She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up in front of her house. A man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it!"

 

[pebbly]

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next
to an American on an overseas flight. After a
few cocktails, the men began discussing their
home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times,"
the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning
she made me delicious crepes, and she told
me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,"
the Italian responded, "and this morning she
made me a wonderful omelet and told me
she could never love another man."
When the American remained silent, the
Frenchman smugly asked "And how many
times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.
"And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."

 

[Hopalong X]

Excellent Pebbly!


Reality.
The evening before when each husband persued his wife the wife gave them that special loving glance :mad2:and said "Don't start"! :haha:

 

[boogieboy]

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next
to an American on an overseas flight. After a
few cocktails, the men began discussing their
home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times,"
the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning
she made me delicious crepes, and she told
me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,"
the Italian responded, "and this morning she
made me a wonderful omelet and told me
she could never love another man."
When the American remained silent, the
Frenchman smugly asked "And how many
times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.
"And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."

:roflmao:

 

[Kari]

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next
to an American on an overseas flight. After a
few cocktails, the men began discussing their
home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times,"
the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning
she made me delicious crepes, and she told
me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,"
the Italian responded, "and this morning she
made me a wonderful omelet and told me
she could never love another man."
When the American remained silent, the
Frenchman smugly asked "And how many
times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.
"And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."

:roflmao::roflmao:

The same American once arrived in Florence, Italy. He stepped out of the plane and started laughing, pointing the big sign saying Aeroporto di Firenze over the airport terminal and telling his co-passengers: "Look, no wonder the Italian economy is what it is. They are almost illiterate, can't even spell two simple words like Florence and Airport!".

 

[pebbly]

Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer caused by his cigarette. His body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body, so they called his two close friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to come and try to I.D. the body.
Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yep, he's got burnt up purdy bad. Roll 'im over." So, the mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, dat ain't Bubba." The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was a little bit strange.
Then, he brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body. Billy-Joe looked at him and said' "Yep, he's burnt up sumpin' real bad. Roll 'im over." The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "Nuh-uh, 'at ain't Bubba. The mortician said, "How can you tell?"
Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two ass holes, ya know." "What? He had two ass holes? Impossible!" said the mortician. "Yep. Everyone in town knowed he had two ass holes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two ass holes.' "

 

[boogieboy]

Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer caused by his cigarette. His body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body, so they called his two close friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to come and try to I.D. the body.
Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yep, he's got burnt up purdy bad. Roll 'im over." So, the mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, dat ain't Bubba." The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was a little bit strange.
Then, he brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body. Billy-Joe looked at him and said' "Yep, he's burnt up sumpin' real bad. Roll 'im over." The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "Nuh-uh, 'at ain't Bubba. The mortician said, "How can you tell?"
Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two ass holes, ya know." "What? He had two ass holes? Impossible!" said the mortician. "Yep. Everyone in town knowed he had two ass holes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two ass holes.' "

HAHAHAHA :roflmao::roflmao:

 

[pebbly]

Dear Doctor,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.

After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.

My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way.

Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious.

I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.

My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.

The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child resulted.

You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don't mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing.

Yours faithfully,

Ray Jackson