Jokes Thread 2

[Layback Bear]

DreemWarrior Must of slipped several times, you know how clumsy those laptop thieves are.

 

[DreemWarrior]

DreemWarrior Must of slipped several times, you know how clumsy those laptop thieves are.

LOl right

 

[beauparc]

If women are so good at multitasking, why can't they have a headache, and sex, at the same time?

 

[Hopalong X]

If women are so good at multitasking, why can't they have a headache, and sex, at the same time?

The young and naive!

That isn't multitasking.
That is delegation of power to you and will encourage your self motivation.

Two step process.
1) Remove yourself to remove her headache.

2) Add the other to YOUR to-do-list.

:roflmao:

 

[DreemWarrior]

If women are so good at multitasking, why can't they have a headache, and sex, at the same time?

The young and naive!

That isn't multitasking.
That is delegation of power to you and will encourage your self motivation.

Two step process.
1) Remove yourself to remove her headache.

2) Add the other to YOUR to-do-list.

:roflmao:

LMAO:haha:

 

[Kari]

Here's a tip for you, Beauparc:

If you feel "romantic" tonight, bring a glass of water and two Aspirins to your wife in bedroom, saying "Here's for your headache, sweetheart". When she looks you and says "But I have no headache!", unwrap a condom and praise God!

Kari

 

[Hopalong X]

Here's a tip for you, Beauparc:

If you feel "romantic" tonight, bring a glass of water and two Aspirins to your wife in bedroom, saying "Here's for your headache, sweetheart". When she looks you and says "But I have no headache!", unwrap a condom and praise God!

Kari

Might help the headache.

It won't cure Frostbite!

 

[beauparc]

This is an actual extract from a Home Economics text book published in the early 60s

The Good Wives Guide

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready for your husband on his return from work. This is a nice way of letting him know that you have been thinking of him and are concerned about his welfare.

Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking.

He has just been with a lot of work weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up school books, toys, papers etc. and then run a duster over the furniture. Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival eliminate the noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. Remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late, or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

Make him comfortable. Have him lie back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange the pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Always speak in a low soothing voice.

Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness.


Where the hell have we gone wrong lads?

 

[beauparc]

The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they always shared everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered

(Continue below - This is great)







'THE TEETH.'

 

[beauparc]

Love these older people.





"LORD.... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER" ...



Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.


She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.


Judy *again*, remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.


Judy finally died, after having 25 children.


Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.


He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."


Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:


"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:....



"I think he means her LEGS, Ethel...."

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

Margaret replied:....



"I think he means her LEGS, Ethel...."

:roflmao:
​

 

[DreemWarrior]

True Fisherman >-))))-’>


A Letter to the Men's Helpline:

Hi Andy, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been
cheating on me.
The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller
hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to
look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the
boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car, buttoning her
blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

Sincerely,
Pete

 

[pebbly]

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous Destinations around the world.

The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop: 'I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.'

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. 'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.

'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said. 'I've come to thank you but, one thing puzzled me.

Who was that old bu@@er I had to share the room with?'

 

[pebbly]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed. They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure; she was shaking and foaming at the mouth.
Our uninformed male thought this was incredible - best sex he'd ever had. He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure.
He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room. A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think her orgasm's stuck!" [/FONT]

 

[pebbly]

A man from Texas buys a round of drinks for everyone in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced "A typical Texas baby boy weighing twenty pounds." Congratulations shower all around, and many exclamations of 'wow!' are heard. Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth, aren't you? How much does the baby weigh now?' The proud father answers, 'fifteen pounds.' The bartender is puzzled. 'Why? What happened? He already weighed twenty pounds at birth.' The Texas father takes a slow sip from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans over to the bartender and proudly announces, 'Had him circumcised.'

 

[DreemWarrior]

A small zoo in Louisiana had a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla wasin heat.
To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the zoo keeper thought of Boudreaux, a coon-ass part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Boudreaux had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The zoo keeper thought they might have a solution. Boudreaux was approached with a proposition.
Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Boudreaux showed some interest, but said he would have to tink the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions.

"First all", Boudreaux said, "Me, I ain't kissin' no gorilla on de lips." The zoo keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Number two", he said, "You cain't never tell nobody 'bout this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Turd Ting" Boudreaux said, "If dere's chilren I want dem all raised Catlic". Once again it was agreed.

And last of all, Boudreaux stated,
"You gotta gimme jus' one more week to come up with de $500.00."

 

[Hopalong X]

"A typical Texas baby boy weighing twenty pounds." + Boudreaux said, "If dere's chilren I want dem all raised Catlic"


Daddy was Texan soooo baby was Texan....

.......soo blame it on someone from Louisiana.
Typical Texans!:roflmao:

 

[xarden]

...Should I... uh, get the banjo out now or later?

 

[MWRed]

True Fisherman >-))))-’>


A Letter to the Men's Helpline:

Hi Andy, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been
cheating on me.
The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller
hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to
look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the
boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car, buttoning her
blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

Sincerely,
Pete

Hahaha....that would probably totally be me.

 

[Hopalong X]

...Should I... uh, get the banjo out now or later?

Cue music! time!

:roflmao: