Jokes Thread 2

[pebbly]

father was very anxious to marry off his daughter so he wanted tried impress her first date. "Do you like to screw?" he asks.
"Huh?!" replied the surprised young man.
"My daughter, she loves to screw and she's very good at it. You and she should go screw." carefully explained the father.
Now very interested, the boy replied, "Yes, sir!" Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left.
After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed, "Dammit, Daddy, get it right, it's the TWIST!"

 

[boohbah]

Bloke goes to the doctors with a rash on his testicles
the doctor sends him down the hall to the nurses room for treatment
the nurse has him take down his pants and underware
after a minute she says to him
"your going to have to stop masturbating"
"why " he says to the nurse
" because im trying to examine you" she says

 

[The Howling Wolves]

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."
The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!"
To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind lady, I'll have to adjust the chair!"

source: Hot Woman Jokes - page 2

 

[seavixen32]

A little girl became very curious as to how the human race came into existence and one day she asked her mother: "Mummy, how did the human race start out?"

Her mother replied: "Well, in the beginning God created Adam and Eve, and then they had children, and their children had children, and so on, and son, and here we are today."

The little girl was not entirely satisfied with her mother's answer, so she decided to ask her father as well. "Daddy, do you know how humans came into existence?"

Her father explained: "Well, we started out as monkeys. After a long time their bodies began to change shape and they began to lose their hair. Gradually, they became more like humans, and here we are today."

The little girl was by now totally confused by the two different answers so she went back to her mother and said: "Daddy just said we came from monkeys. Do Adam and Eve fit anywhere in there?"

Her mother quickly replied: "Oh, when I told you that we came from Adam and Eve, I was telling you where my side of the family came from."

Source: Daily Mail

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Newfie Password

The Bank of Montreal was running a recent Password Audit and found Stevie O'Toole from Conception Bay (Newfoundland) using the following password:

MickeyDonaldMinnieGoofyDaffyBugsElmerPlutoOttawa

When Stevie was asked why he had such a long password, he replied, 'Lard t'underin geesus! Are yez blind er' stupid?
I wuz told me password had to be at least 8 characters long wit' one capital

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."
The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!"
To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind lady, I'll have to adjust the chair!"

source: Hot Woman Jokes - page 2

Dennis that's a good one !!!!...:shock:

 

[Hopalong X]

"MoeLarryCurlyABCDEFGH"

How about 3 characters and 8 Capitals.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Mike that'll work also.... don't you mess up my joke... lol...:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Hopalong X]

That was a joke?

I thought you were giving out passwords so I was trying to help.

:roflmao:

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

That was a joke?

I thought you were giving out passwords so I was trying to help.

:roflmao:

lol .....Sure it was a JOKE.. you didn't get ???... Thanks kindly for your help !!!...
:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[The Howling Wolves]

That's my password!!!
How did you get it?

 

[BugMeister]

 

[pebbly]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, then shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Life Explained In Just One Email... Listen Up!!

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."


The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......


On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

 

[Dwarf]

And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

And here's the proof!

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Fable of the porcupine
It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions. After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the warmth that came from the others. This way they were able to survive. Moral of the story: The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.
The real moral of the story......LEARN TO LIVE WITH THE PRICKS IN YOUR LIFE.

 

[wilywombat]

Luv it Howlin Wolves... so true!! And boy, do I know a load of porcupines...

 

[BugMeister]

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Beware of older men....

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds'

 

[Dwarf]

Beware of older men....

'I was behind you at McDonalds'

Dennis! That's the last time we're letting you go to McDonalds on your own.