Jokes Thread [3]

[BlackSparrow]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little *******. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

 

[A Guy]

I swear, I have never been in a bar with my monkey!

A Guy

 

[profdlp]

Now we're on to monkey jokes, huh?

So this hippie is walking down the sidewalk and sees a guy manually turning the rotisserie on a barbecue grill. He says "Look, man, I don't want to bring you down or anything, but like, your music's stopped and your monkey's on fire".

 

[A Guy]

I don't remember any of these things!

A Guy

 

[chennyalan]

You are one of three people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react?

Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.

Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.

Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.

Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.

Computer Scientist: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.

Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.

Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.

Psychoanalyst: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.

Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.

Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.

Judge: after reminding them of their constitutional right to have a parachute, you take it and jump out.

Economist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person.

Statistician: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.

IRS auditor: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.

Manager: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard and not expect handouts.

Consultant: you tell them not to worry, since it won't take you long to learn how to fix a plane.

Salesperson: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.

Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.

Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.

Teacher: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.

English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.

Comparative Literature major: you read the parachute instructions in all four languages.

Dramatist: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.

Modern Painter: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.

Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.

 

[BlackSparrow]

Well, i WAS going to do some Yo Mama jokes, but i decided not to, just in case i offend someone :3

 

[profdlp]

Yo Mama's so fat that she caught that flesh-eating bacteria and the doctor gave her only 40 years to live!

(banned in 3-2-...)

 

[BlackSparrow]

xDDD! Not so funny... hows about this one? Yo mamas like a roller coaster, she has her ups, she has her downs, and 20 people or more can ride her at a time

(time to wait... i should be banned in 5...4...3...2...- )

 

[boohbah]

NOT a joke:

[NOW AVAILABLE] TigerDirect.com - INTRODUCING THE WORLD'S FIRST HOME MINI-NUCLEAR GENERATOR

I swear.

someone wasnt amused :devil:

 

[profdlp]

I've got two of them in my basement.

 

[XxBRADxX]

I've got two of them in my basement.

Call me old fashioned but im still running a flux capacitor

 

[A Guy]

Lucky guys!



A Guy

 

[profdlp]

Lucky guys!

...

A Guy

That's the ugliest-looking dog I ever saw. :sarc:

 

[BlackSparrow]

Now that picture you put up A Guy is cute and funny!

Now for my next bar joke... hmm... which one to use... AH! Here's one!

A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't give beer to bears in bars."
The bear replies, "If you don't give me a beer, I'll eat that lady over there."
The bartender says, "Go ahead."
So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't give beer to bears on drugs."
"What do mean," asks the bear. "I'm not on drugs."
"Yes, you are, that was the bar bitch you ate."

 

[Hopalong X]

MexicanOysters
​

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a dayroaming around in Mexico .
​

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

​

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served ?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste ! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy !'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.

Sometimes the bulls win !!!
​

 

[The Howling Wolves]

mexicanoysters
​

a big texan stopped at a local restaurant following a dayroaming around in mexico .
​

while sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

​

he asked the waiter, 'what is that you just served ?'

the waiter replied, 'ah senor, you have excellent taste ! Those are called cojones de toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy !'

the cowboy said, 'what the heck, bring me an order.'

the waiter replied, 'i am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

the next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'these are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones i saw you serve yesterday.'

the waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'si, senor.

sometimes the bulls win !!!
​

and that's no bull!

 

[BlackSparrow]

mexicanoysters
​

a big texan stopped at a local restaurant following a dayroaming around in mexico .
​

while sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

​

he asked the waiter, 'what is that you just served ?'

the waiter replied, 'ah senor, you have excellent taste ! Those are called cojones de toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy !'

the cowboy said, 'what the heck, bring me an order.'

the waiter replied, 'i am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

the next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'these are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones i saw you serve yesterday.'

the waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'si, senor.

sometimes the bulls win !!!
​

and that's no bull!

Agreed!

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Lucky guys!

...

A Guy

That's the ugliest-looking dog I ever saw. :sarc:

DAWG ??? ....that aint no dog.. looks mightly like a guina pig to me.. but whatta I know.

 

[profdlp]

Well, it was an honest mistake...

 

[Hopalong X]

Lucky guys!

...

A Guy

That's the ugliest-looking dog I ever saw. :sarc:

DAWG ??? ....that aint no dog.. looks mightly like a guina pig to me.. but whatta I know.

Pit bull / hamster mix. :shock: