Jokes Thread

[derekimo]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[CarlTR6]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat

:roflmao::roflmao:

+1 Hilarious

 

[Arc]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat

OOPS Oh bad timing

 

[Fluffy]

I woke up bald this morning...........

The missus totally got the wrong idea when I asked her to shave her tw@*

 

[acurasd]

This is a bit sick so read no further if you are easily naused out.

Guy works day shift in a railway signal box.
One morning he arrives at work to find his usually miserable night shift colleague grinning from ear to ear.
Guy: "You're happy this morning"
Night shift guy: "I just had the best shift ever, you won't believe it"
Guy: "Tell me"
Night shift guy: "Well it was about 2am and there hadn't been a train for a while so I was just having a read when I looked out of the window and saw this naked woman tied to the track"
Guy: "Wow, what happened"
NSG: "I went outside and untied her and carried her in here"
Guy: "Yeah, what happened then"
NSG: "We made love on that very table! What do you think of that for a shift eh?"
Guy: "Amazing, you lucky devil. Was she like, good looking and stuff?"
NSG "Dunno, never found her head"

*lol*
Those are the best... the quiet ones!

 

[steve-pressman]

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

 

[steve-pressman]

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that they'd developed a new machine and asked if the couple would like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father to ease the mother's burden.

Well, they thought that was a good idea, and decided to give it a try. The doctor initially set the machine on 10 percent, telling the man that even 10 percent was probably more pain than he'd ever experienced. But the husband was surprised at how little pain he was feeling, and asked the doctor to raise the level.

The doctor increased it to 20 percent, and when the man still felt fine, he raised it to 50 and finally 100 percent.

After it was all over, the man stood up, and stretched a little. Both he and his wife felt fine, and they shortly left the hospital to take the baby home.

It was then that they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.

 

[derekimo]

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that they'd developed a new machine and asked if the couple would like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father to ease the mother's burden.

Well, they thought that was a good idea, and decided to give it a try. The doctor initially set the machine on 10 percent, telling the man that even 10 percent was probably more pain than he'd ever experienced. But the husband was surprised at how little pain he was feeling, and asked the doctor to raise the level.

The doctor increased it to 20 percent, and when the man still felt fine, he raised it to 50 and finally 100 percent.

After it was all over, the man stood up, and stretched a little. Both he and his wife felt fine, and they shortly left the hospital to take the baby home.

It was then that they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.

Another good one Steve!:roflmao:

 

[CarlTR6]

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[noobvious]

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that they'd developed a new machine and asked if the couple would like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father to ease the mother's burden.

Well, they thought that was a good idea, and decided to give it a try. The doctor initially set the machine on 10 percent, telling the man that even 10 percent was probably more pain than he'd ever experienced. But the husband was surprised at how little pain he was feeling, and asked the doctor to raise the level.

The doctor increased it to 20 percent, and when the man still felt fine, he raised it to 50 and finally 100 percent.

After it was all over, the man stood up, and stretched a little. Both he and his wife felt fine, and they shortly left the hospital to take the baby home.

It was then that they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.

:roflmao:

 

[sevenshotzzzz]

I don't know if this has been said already... I'm not gonna read 103 pages =)


"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" "Watson, you idiot!" He exclaims, "Somebody's stolen our tent!"

 

[ryo]

Monster inc...

 

[MattRainier]

Nice one Sevenshot.

 

[kucing13]

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'.

 

[steve-pressman]

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust.


The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'? She slams the door again later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.


The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. 'Do you have a vagina'? 'Yes' she says. The man replies: Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?


The husband is currently in in intensive care

 

[Arc]

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust.


The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'? She slams the door again later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.


The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. 'Do you have a vagina'? 'Yes' she says. The man replies: Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?


The husband is currently in in intensive care

:roflmao: OOH Steve .... What a joke :roflmao:

 

[DocBrown]

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She called Four Horses".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.


What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean...​

NAG, NAG,NAG, NAG!" ​

​

 

[MattRainier]

Ouch, Doc! :roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:I think I'm gonna break something!

 

[ryo]

Mi - 3

 

[Arc]

Mi - 3

View attachment 73779

The producer Found the perfect name of the movie .... The screenshot is the proof